


Become More or Less Calm (Two Person Pov)

by purplegoose



Series: Boyf Riends and Loveb Irds [2]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz (Two River Cast) Actor RPF
Genre: Angst, Anxious Jeremy Heere, Be More Chill - Freeform, Child Abuse, Depressed Michael Mell, Edgy, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jeremy Heere's Squip Looks Like Michael Mell, Musicals, Sad, Slow Burn, The SQUIP is a dick, follows plot of play, i will put tw warnings, jeremy and mikey get together at the end, michael in the bathroom really didn't have to go that hard but ok, nothing is very graphic but still
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:08:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 69,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25080655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purplegoose/pseuds/purplegoose
Summary: So, this is a weird one. This is the same storyline of the musical "Be More Chill" with a few exceptions. I changed the gender identity and sexuality of some of the characters, as well as some ethnicities because that is how I envisioned them while listening to the soundtrack. And obviously, Jeremy and Mikey get together in the end because they had way more chemistry and why else would you be here?If this isn't your style, I made the same fanfiction but had the characters stay the same as in canon. (Except for Jeremy and Michael getting together because why else would you be here?) That is the other book in this series.So, this is really just for fun, enjoy if you want!I also hope that you enjoy how I turned musical numbers into paragraphs.Jeremy Heere is a junior in high school, and all he wants is to survive. After a peer tells him about a pill he can take to help him, Jeremy takes it and it goes downhill from there.Mikey Mell is a junior in high school, and all she wants is to be happy. After Jeremy gets into drugs, Mikey has to decide if she will follow her friend and try to save him from himself, or if she will continue to be stuck in this cycle of terrible that is her life.
Relationships: Jeremy Heere/Michael Mell
Series: Boyf Riends and Loveb Irds [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1815283
Kudos: 9





	1. Jeremy I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my boy jeremy is hella anxious
> 
> rip mikey
> 
> (side note, I have tried uploading this five times, if ao3 messes with my formatting when I click preview one more time, Imma have a back alley fight)

“Come on…..come on, I need this right now! Come on!” I hit the refresh button over and over again as my porno failed to load. 

Stupid Comcast.

After what felt like thirty minutes of trying, I glanced at the time in the lower right hand corner of my screen. 6:15am. 

“Good morning, time to start the day.” 

With a sigh, I hopped off of my messy bed, careful not to get my feet tangled in the sheets. The hardwood creaked underneath my steps as I walked into the bathroom connected to my room and my dad’s.

He should have been at work already, so I would’ve had the house to myself, right?

Or at least, that’s what I thought as I took off my shirt to judge my own muscles in the mirror. 

Incandescent light bounced off my pale and freckly skin. Just flesh and bones, nothing special. I didn’t know why I thought it would be different this morning, I was never anything special.

At least it was going to be a more normal day. If I didn’t feel weird or super strange towards my body or myself, my life would be in utter disarray. 

Suddenly, the bathroom door flew open, and my father waltzed in. 

No pants. 

I fumbled for my shirt, desperate to cover my stickly body. 

“Dad! Haven’t you heard of privacy?” My voice cracked as I protested.

“We’re all men in this house, pretend we’re in the army,” My father said as he faced the toilet. 

A familiar drizzling sound started ringing in my ears. 

“Just-” I scrunched up my nose in a poor attempt to wipe this conversation from my mind. “When I get home, please have some pants on. Ok?”

In the mirror, I saw my father give me a salute while he faced the checkered tile wall. “Ten hut!”

I groaned and walked back to my room. Maybe today wasn’t going to be nice and normal after all.

The old mattress creaked underneath me as I sat down on the mess of blue flannel comforters and sheets. I threw my shirt towards the hamper and missed. 

Great.

My phone buzzed in my pocket. After retrieving it from my gym shorts, I saw that it was a text from Mikey.

Player One: Hey, I can’t give you a ride today. Stuff with the step mom and she-demon. I hope that you’re awake so that you don’t blame me for you being late :)  
Me: haha  
Me: Yes, I actually got up on time today, and thx for the heads up  
Player One: No prob  
Player One: See you at lunch?  
Me: Yep!

I threw my phone at my pillow and stood up to get changed. Jeans, striped blue shirt, navy blue cardigan, and plain socks with converse had to be safe, right?

It seemed not offensive, so I changed and checked my phone again. 

Mikey had given me a ride to school almost everyday since she bought her car. Today already seemed like it was going to be terrible.  
I was a junior now. Riding the bus was like, social suicide and if I walked to school. Oh god. If I walked, when I arrived I would have straight up reeked. My boxers would have been all bunchy, and my pits would have leaked. 

The black comb on my dresser raked through my wavy hair as I contemplated to myself which option was worse. The more I thought about it, the more stressed out I got. 

Bus or walk. Bus or walk. Bus or walk.

I slammed the comb down on the dresser and sighed. 

“Dude weigh the options calmly and be still,” I muttered to myself. 

The bus was better, I could just hide behind my backpack and listen to some music.

...

The ride itself wasn’t terrible. Only the pot holes, children screaming about overdue papers, and the loud pop music blasting from the front made me feel queasy. If I could look past all of that, it was actually nice just staring out the window and attempting to ignore the outside world. 

The outside world was too weird. Everyone had to be this main character, or leader. To do anything, you had to be the best at it. You had to be the hero of your story.

I didn’t want to be a hero. I just wanted to stay in the line. I was never the type to be like Robert DeNiro. I was more of a Joe Pesci kind of guy. For me, that was fine.

As long as I followed the set of rules I gave myself: don’t be offensive, don’t cause a scene, don’t get caught up in drama, and don’t be a dick, then I would be fine. 

I just had to use these rules to stay alive. I just had to survive.

The bus stopped and I hopped off, not wanting to be seen riding with all of the underclassmen. My earbuds stayed all balled up in my jeans’ pocket the entire time I walked to my dinghy locker. 

I was impressed with myself. 

“6-26-15. Come on, just-” My locker popped open with a force strong enough to knock out Bowser in Super Smash Bros.

I totally didn’t flinch.

While shoving my textbooks back into my faded blue backpack, I couldn’t help but overhear a conversation some of the popular kids were having.

“So Jenna Rolan said Madeline told Jake ‘I’ll only have sex with you if you beat me at pool.’ Then she lost at pool, deliberately.” Chloe Valentine said as she flipped her brown hair extensions over her shoulder. 

Next to her, Brookes Losht pushed back his hair while murmuring to himself “That is so awesome.”

“Brookes!”

“Erm, I mean, uh, slutty!” 

He continued to fiddle with his newly bleached and straightened hair. The warm blond color matched well with his darker skin tone and choice of neutral clothing, but it was weird seeing him without his coily hair. 

I was so used to seeing him move down the hallway with his faded sides and floppy mass of kinky hair on top. I couldn’t help but wonder if Chloe had made him change it. 

“And then, Madeline was all-” Jenna squeezed in front of the bickering teens with a huge smile threatening to split her cheery face in half. 

This was my cue to leave. I didn’t want to hear about how Madeline got pounded by the resident player of the school. I was just about to go past the group unnoticed when Chloe yelled.

“I’M TELLING THE STORY, JENNA.” 

I couldn’t help but cringe. Her voice was just so high pitched and grating. It felt like I was about to be slapped with a cheese grater. 

My fingers squeezed my backpack straps as I tried to get my breathing back under control. No one was going to slap me with a cheese grater. It was going to be fine. It was all going to be just fine. 

I looked over to see Chloe steering Brookes and Jenna away with her pointy pink manicure. She didn’t get far enough before I heard her say, “Oh my god, he was like, totally getting off on that,” 

A groan escaped me before I could stop it. Great. Just a gangly pervert walking around the school. Not like I was just trying to avoid them altogether. 

My trek to my Algebra II class was interrupted when someone’s bare, buff shoulder jammed into me. 

“Don’t touch me, Tall Ass!” Rich Goranski sneered.

“Sorry, I was just trying to get to my, uh-” 

Rich used his meaty hands and flipped me around. My face felt cold against the rough, texture wall of the staircase. 

A weird pop noise and then the smell of Sharpie filled the air as students rushed past us. 

Was no one going to help? Was I that pathetic?

“Wash that off, you’re dead.” Rich shoved the Sharpie back in his pocket before turning around to see the one and only Jake Dillanger gracefully come down the brown stairs. 

“Jakey D! What’s the story with Madeline?”

Jake leaned down and wrapped his tan arm around Rich, smiling like he had won the lottery.

“I shouldn’t say, but it’s a good thing I rock a pool.” He winked, and Rich punched him in the side enthusiastically.

I rolled my eyes and continued navigating the dangerous hall to Algebra when I saw a poster hanging on the wall. 

After checking to make sure that the coast is clear, I got closer. It was a sign up sheet for the after school play.

A smile broke out on my face. Acting was something that I always wanted to try. Mikey and I had seen the play in our previous years, and it looked like so much fun to get up there and just pretend to be someone else for once. Anyone else. 

The smile on my face fell. It was a sign up sheet for being called gay. I didn’t need to get teased anymore than I did already. Gay shouldn’t have even been an insult, but something about how mean people said it hurt. 

I turned left and walked down the upstairs hallway to see Chrissy close their locker. 

Oh God. It was Chrissy. 

Chrissy Canigula was the one of the most wonderful people I wanted to meet. Their black hair was always fluffy and soft looking, and their smile always complimented their choice of overalls.

Today, it was a light denim one with large metal buttons over a yellow turtleneck. I was enthralled. Everything they wore looked amazing on them. Adrongenous makeup, bare face, suit and tie, skirt and blouse, sweatshirt and cuffed jeans. It didn’t matter what Chrissy wore or said or did, everything they did was just magical. 

They floated through the hallway with such breeze and total lack of self doubt. A Chinese pride pin was secured onto their black messenger bag. The bag bounced against their leg as Chrissy started walking towards me. 

Oh God. Chrissy was walking towards me. Should I say something? Should I move? Should I-

“Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice, did someone write ‘LOVEB’ on your backpack?” 

I slid a strap off of my shoulder and turned the bag around to see what they were talking about. 

"LOVEB" was written in all caps and fat black Sharpie across my backpack. 

What did that even mean?

I looked back up at Chrissy. Their head came up to about my chest. Their dark eyes looked so full of concern and care.

I couldn’t do it.

“I, uh-” I ran down the hallway and sat down in my seat for math.

The final bell rang and class started. My teacher droned on about exponents and integers, but all I could think about was how stupid I must have looked.

It was also all I could think about for Government, and Computer Science, and Physics, and Spanish, and Study Hall. It also was what I thought about as I walked to lunch. 

Second to last period of the day, thank God.

The lunch lady slapped some meaty slop onto my green tray and sent me along my way. Half rotten apples and expired smelling milk didn’t seem that appealing, so I just paid for the meat and bottled water and left. 

Third table to the right, back section. My safe haven. I sat down in my usual spot and let the self deprecating thoughts swirl around in my head a little longer. 

I just had to accept that I was one of those guys that would be a virgin until he dies. I didn’t want to be a baller, I just wished that I had some skills to count on.

My eyes glanced down at my jeans for a second. If my nuts were any smaller, they would be totally gone. If I continued at this rate, the only thing that I’d ever date was my Macbook Pro hard drive.

I sighed.

I didn’t want to be like George Clooney. I just wanted to survive.

Was that too much to ask for?

I let my head thunk against the round, wooden table. My eyes closed, and the chatter of the room filled my head. It was nice to only listen to that noise.

That noise was interrupted by the tapping of someone’s shoes that sounded suspiciously familiar to Bob Marley’s “I Shot the Sheriff.”

“Mikey?”

I looked up. There she was in all her red hoodied glory. 

Mikey tapped the thin fingers on her right hand against her white headphones in tune with the beat, using her other hand to gesture her slushy around like she was dancing in a club. 

“Jeremy! How’s it hanging? I got my sushi and my slushy and more!” She sat down in her chair and let her worn out, red backpack hit the floor. 

“What’s the roll today?” I asked, letting her smile infect me.

“The roll is negimaki, and I must say-” She leaned in and held her hand up to her face to shield her whisper from the rest of the lunch hour. “-I’m feeling pretty cocky because this cute girl at Seven-Eleven gave me a generous pour.”

I rolled my eyes and laughed. 

If a girl looked at Mikey, she was instantly head over heels. Or when guys did too. At least, that’s what she always told me. 

“You’re listening to Bob Marley again, aren’t you?” I shook my head. 

My friend looked like an idiot dancing in her chair in the middle of lunch, but at least she was a happy idiot. 

“Oh, but of course. I am listening to Marley, and it is hella gnarly!” 

I was about to reply when she put a finger up to my mouth to shush me. 

“And we’re almost at the end of the song-” She moved her shoulders in tune to the last few beats before sliding the white headphones down to the base of her neck. “-yeah,  
that was the end. Now, tell me, My Dear Friend. How was class, you look like ass, what’s wrong?” 

Mikey grabbed her cherry slushie and took a sip. She already knew that this was going to be a long one. 

“You need to help me with this one. What the hell does ‘LOVEB’ mean?” I grabbed my backpack from off the floor and set it on the table. 

I didn’t care that it almost flipped over my tray, the food was even edible. Maybe Mikey would share her slushie since she was never one to let me starve.

She bit her stained lip and pushed her rectangular glasses up her face. 

“Damn it,” She groaned. 

Mikey pulled her backpack from up off the floor and pushed it against mine. Hers said “IRDS.”

“Loveb Irds? Lovebirds. Oh! It’s Lovebirds! Oh, it’s Lovebirds,” I said.

I slid back down in my chair, letting my forehead rest against the table once more. 

“I hate this school.”

Mikey patted me on the back. “It’s ok, Jer, at least it’s not a slur or anything.”

I sat back up with a heavy sigh. She was right. 

“Yeah, well anyway. I wrote Chrissy a letter telling them how I feel.” 

Mikey gave me a look of intrigue as she continued to drink her slushie. 

After a brief pause, she said, “That’s progress,”

I shrugged. “I tore it up and flushed it.”

Mikey rolled her eyes and set her slushie back down on the dark wood before glaring at me. 

“It’s still progress.”

She shook her head and put her hand on my shoulder. “Hey, it’s all good.”

Mikey’s eyes then lit up like she remembered something. Those brown eyes had a mischievous glint to them behind her light brown bangs. “I saw on Discovery that man has stopped evolving!”

I frowned. “That’s good? I thought our Bio teacher freshman year went on a whole thing about how we need evolution cause it’s important or whatever?”

“No. Evolution is survival of the fittest, right? But now, thanks to technology, you don’t have to be strong to survive!” 

She smiled and did a little dance in her seat, making her long ponytail sway behind her. “Which means there’s never been a better time in history to be a loser. So own it! Who cares about being cool or whatever when you can be-”

“Signing up for the school play.” 

My eyes zeroed in on a short person with overalls and a yellow turtleneck across the lunchroom. There was a sign for play sign ups when I walked in, and Chrissy was putting their name at the top of the list. 

“Um, I was gonna say ‘getting stoned off of the prescribed weed I have in my basement’, but-”

“No, Mikey. Look who’s signing up for the school play!” 

“Oh. Chrissy.”

“Yeah-” I let out an airy sigh. “-Chrissy Canigula.” 

“Jesus, either get a room or get your ass up there. Don’t make me listen to the world’s tiniest violin playing.” Mikey stood up and threw her half-eaten sushi out before walking to our English class. 

I wondered what was bothering her.

Thoughts of my friend fell away as I looked back at Chrissy. This was my chance. I had always wanted to join the play. Chrissy signed, I could totally do the same. 

My hand plucked the pen from the clipboard, and my signature appeared in shaky writing as I filled out my slot. 

I jumped when two, meaty hands plopped down on my bony shoulders, and a raspy voice yelled in my ear. 

“GAY!” Rich pushed me into the wall and walked away laughing. Other people joined him. 

I turned around and slid to the floor against the wall as I heard Jenna Roland laugh and say, “I like gay people,”

At least I had that going for me. 

With a sigh, I let the back of my head thunk against the dirty, off white wall. 

“I’m never going to be the cool guy. Why can’t someone just help me out? Or teach me how to thrive,” I muttered to myself as I put my head in my hands. 

I just wanted someone to teach me how to thrive in the high school scene.

I wanted someone to help me do more than survive.

I picked myself up off of the floor and trudged to my last class of the day. English with Mikey.

It was just a standard pop quiz off of the chapter of the book we were supposed to read last night and that Mikey totally didn’t just text me the summary of. I turned it in and sat down in my seat, staring at the clock for the rest of class. 

No phones were allowed on test days, so I just pondered over my day. My embarrassing moment with Chloe and her goons. My embarrassing moment in the hallway with Rich. My embarrassing moment with Chrissy. My embarrassing moment in lunch when the entire cafeteria laughed at me. 

But it was in that moment, staring at the clock at the wall, when I realized that maybe I didn’t care. If this suddenly became an apocalyptic setting, I wouldn’t need any of these  
people to stay alive. 

Even though the zombie army had yet to descend, the period was going to end soon. Mikey texted me before class saying that she would walk with me to drama practice.

All I had to do was pass that pop quiz and make it to the final bell. 

I was just trying my best to survive. And I was going to survive, goddammit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also: please feel free to comment on anything. Constructive crit, questions, theories, to call me out on my bullshit, anything. i love hearing from people and reply as soon as i am able. :)


	2. Mikey I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: child abuse
> 
> poor bb

When your day starts with your crazy mother screaming at you to get your lazy ass up at 4:30 in the morning, it is very easy to tell what kind of day it’s going to be. 

I yawned and fumbled around for my black glasses on my nightstand. The sun hadn’t even begun to stream through my sad excuse for blackout curtains yet. 

“MICHELLE MELL, IF YOU DON’T GET YOUR SORRY ASS UP HERE RIGHT THIS SECOND, I SWEAR TO DIYOS I WILL BEAT YOUR ASS.” 

Good morning. Time to start the day. 

I let my long hair fall over my shoulders as I trudged up stairs. No time to change out of my baggy sweatshirt and grey sweatpants with the she-demon screaming for my head. 

Just before I opened the door at the top of the staircase, I heard my step-mother say something to the she-demon. 

“Baby, just calm down. I’m sure that she didn’t mean to forget to set the coffee maker. You can just pop it in yourself. I gotta get to the gym before the office opens, but I’ll see you later.” 

The soft click clack of Nadia’s heels against the hardwood floor led themselves out of the house through the front door. After the door closed, the yelling started again. 

“UNGRATEFUL CHILD, GET UP HERE.” 

I opened the door to see my mother standing in front of me in a fit of rage. “Yes, Ma’am?”

“Why did you not have the coffee set up for me? You knew that I had a long drive to New York today for the company meeting, and I can’t function without my coffee.” 

I tugged at the floppy cuff of my sleeve, looking at all of the creaky floorboards. “I must have forgot to set it before I went to bed. I’m sorry.” 

She marched up to me and grabbed a fistful of my black hoodie. I looked up to see her dark brown eyes locking with mine. Her hatred seeped into my bones. 

“You’re lucky that you’re father isn’t here. He would have given you a black eye for that. I’ll give you a second chance, because I’m so generous.” My mother sneered.

Her hand unfurled, almost pushing me down the stairs. “Now, go make the coffee. Hopefully, I won’t be late. It’s my job that pays for most of your expensive bills. Be grateful that you have money to fuel your ‘illness’. God, children are so needy these days.”

I walked over quietly to the coffee maker and started putting the grounds in. A small sliver of early morning sunlight caught my pale hand as I pressed a few buttons to get it to the “correct” setting. 

The only thing, besides overwhelming, impulsive thoughts and trust issues, that my father ever gave me was passing white skin and features. No one believed me when I said that my biological mother was Filiopino-Ecuadorian. Just Jeremy believed me because he had met both of my biological parents. 

But that was before the restraining order. Before the court settlement. Before the police reports. Before the angel known as Nadia Mell came into my life. 

When she married my mom after the dust had settled, I gladly let her adopt me and change my last name. That lady was a ray of hope in the dark and empty house. 

After staring off into space for a good long while, the timer beeped. I rushed to pull the pot out and get it in the she-demon’s favorite pink travel cup so she could go about her day. 

Her pointed flats stomped down the creaky, carpeted steps from upstairs as she waltzed down to the main floor. My mother’s long, black hair was pulled back into a sleek ponytail. At least she had gotten a good dye job last time. You couldn’t see the grey hairs peppering her scalp anymore. She always hated being seen as old. 

“Oh good, you didn’t seem to mess this one up. This time.” The she-demon ripped the cup out of my hand and took a sip. 

She spit the scalding hot coffee in my face. 

I ran to the sink to try to wash the burning liquid out of my eyes. Despite my lovely glasses that weren’t the right prescription covering them, some drops got in. 

“This tastes like dirt. You didn’t do it right. Get your soggy head out of my sink and make it again.” My mother grabbed my hood and yanked me back from the faucet, my forehead scraping against the metal.

“Ow!” 

She stopped. Her dark, cruel eyes staring blankly at me. 

“What was that?”

“Um, n-nothing.” I looked down. 

“That’s what I thought. Now, make it again.”

She let me go, and I ran back over to the coffee maker. The little timer on it read 5:43am. It was going to take forever to make the second cup, and I was sure that she would only give me more grief about it. Hopefully, I could have made it downstairs to text Jeremy and give him a heads up. 

The PT Cruiser wasn’t going to be able to stop by the Heere House that morning. 

Yeah, today was going to be just great.

Finally, at 6:30 she was satisfied enough to let me get ready for school. Only after saying that it tasted like horse manure, that I was the scum of the Earth, and that the sole reason she wasn’t making me do it all over again was because she was going to be late. 

Once the door closed, I ran downstairs to get to my phone. Jeremy was gonna lose his mind if I didn’t text him.

I forgot to text him that I couldn’t drive him one time, and he had a panic attack in the middle of his driveway. I felt so bad, he thought I had abandoned him. 

The last thing Jeremy needed was another person abandoning him.

Me: Hey, I can’t give you a ride today. Stuff with the step mom and she-demon. I hope that you’re awake so that you don’t blame me for you being late :)  
Player Two <3: haha  
Player Two <3: Yes, I actually got up on time today, and thx for the heads up  
Me: No prob  
Me: See you at lunch?  
Player Two <3: Yup!

I sighed and sank back down into my lumpy bed. Crisis averted. 

My bleary eyes wandered over to my alarm clock. There was time to shower, but not to dry my hair. Well, there was time to dry my hair, but I wouldn’t have been first to Pre Calc.

Brookes and I always raced to get to the class first, and I didn’t really want to lose my two week streak, but sacrifices had to be made. 

I hopped in the shower, only wincing slightly this time. I was impressed with myself. 

The water droplets clung to me as I shoved on my clothes. Nerdy shirt, black skinny jeans, geeky socks I had gotten from Jeremy for Christmas, (He still got me gifts even though he believed that Hanukkah was the superior holiday.) my red hoodie, and checkered vans. 

Safe clothes. I could hide from the world in these today, and that would be perfectly fine. 

The blow dryer was hot and loud, but it worked. The long strands of dripping wet hair became shiny and dry after a little while. 

Maybe today wasn’t going to be quite so bad after all. 

I picked my phone up off of the ceramic countertop, 7:15. I could make it to first hour. The drive wasn’t that long, parking was the only thing that sucked. 

I sighed and shoved the device in my back pocket. 

Before I could leave the bathroom, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. 

Sure, my ombre-esque hair looked ok in this lighting, and my bangs were nice and fluffy today, (And they covered where the majority of the coffee hit me. It was only one or two red spots, but still.) but the she-demon would have thrown a temper tantrum if she saw me leaving the house with my hair down.

Only air heads in feel good movies were allowed to leave the house with their hair down. It was too much to not let my hair just be in it’s natural, pin straight state. I had to pull it back and make it oh so much easier for her to grab and pull on. 

I grabbed a black scrunchie from under the sink and used it to gather my hair into a ponytail.

At least I got away with dying the ends bright red without too much drama. Nadia helped me get out of that one since she loved dying it, and how could anyone say no to Nadia?

I ran out of the bathroom, time was ticking down now. Can’t be late for school, had to keep that record squeaky clean. 

My headphones got shoved into my faded, red backpack, and I ran out the door, glasses almost slipping off of my face.

“Keys, wallet, phone, bag. What am I forgetting?”

I sat in the driver’s seat and gripped the steering wheel. Willing the thought to come back to me. 

“Ah, it probably wasn’t important.” 

The keys slid into the slot and the old Cruiser roared to life. I pressed my foot down on the pedal and drove off to hell. Also known as Middleborough High School. 

I slipped into the math class just as the final bell rang. Brookes gave me a smug look from across the table as I sat down. 

“Oh, did Little Miss Headphones lose her streak? I guess it pays to actually show up on time,” he smirked. 

His comment wasn’t as painful when I realized that the blond mop on his head was real. He hated the thought of having unnatural hair on his head, let alone bleached blond hair. (Chloe must have threatened him into doing it. Sucker.)

“Oh, I’ll get my streak back. Don’t worry, Blondie. I’ll get you back.” 

The scowl was worth losing my streak. 

The teacher had us all stand up for the pledge and then immediately had us get working on the study guide after the announcements ended. 

No time to think about annoying little setbacks when a study guide with fifty two problems was staring at you. I also didn’t have time to worry about how I was going to finish it by the end of class. 

I turned my work in just as the bell rang. Next was Creative Writing with the only teacher I didn’t hate, Miss Smith, then Econ, then Environmental Science, then Journalism, and then Study Hall. 

I guess that I didn’t hate my Study Hall teacher either. It was more of an indifference. He would take attendance then let me leave so I could go to the Seven-Eleven down the street to get some gas station sushi. It honestly wasn’t that bad, sometimes. If it smelled bad, I just didn’t get it. Normally, the checkout girl would give me a heads up if it was decent or not. 

No matter what, it was better than the school food. 

I was just turning down the checkered hallway to get to the parking lot when a short little gremlin ran into me. 

“Watch it, Headphones!” Rich scrunched up his pointy face and yelled at me.

I let the white headphones slip down to my neck so I could attempt to have a real conversation. “Sorry, Rich, I didn’t see you there.”

“Oh, was that a short joke?”

I gulped. “No! No, I just wasn’t paying atten- What are you doing!?”

Rich spun me around and shoved me against the fuzzy wall. Were school walls supposed to be fuzzy and discolored looking?

I didn’t want an answer to that. 

While my face stayed pinned to the disgusting wall, Rich pressed something along the front pocket of my backpack like he was writing something. Then, he let go.

“You wash that off, you’re dead.” He pointed at me and walked away backwards. His red streaks of hair covering his eyes. 

What was his damage?

I just shook my head and continued walking out of the school. At least it wasn’t raining!

Today was a “fresh” sushi day. The nice cash register girl with dark, curly hair let me have a big slushie for the price of a small one. She also told me which of the sushi rolls were most likely to not give me food poisoning. 

Negimaki it was. 

“I don’t know how you’re brave enough to eat this stuff, Mikey.” The cash register girl shook her head. 

“Hey, it’s better than the slop they serve at the high school. At least here, I know what kind of sickness I could get. It could be anything over in Lunch Lady Land.”

She snorted and gave me back my change. 

“Whatever, just don’t die from suspicious, food-related circumstances. Or if you do, don’t let your family sue me.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. 

“Please, they would be glad to not have to worry about me anymore.” 

The girl frowned, and I realized that what I said was something that I probably shouldn’t have said out loud. 

“Anyway, thanks for the heads up. See you soon?”

“Actually, I got that job across the country we were talking about. Today is my last day. That’s why I wanted to give my favorite customer this,” she said, ducking under the counter to pull up a little patch.

“Oh?” I took the patch while eyeing her warily. 

“You always are adding patches to your jacket, might as well have a Seven-Eleven one. You might as well live here, during ‘lunch hour’ at least.” 

I flipped the little disk over in my hand. The Seven-Eleven logo made into a patch.

“Oh, Adanna, you didn’t have to do that.” 

I could feel the heat start to rise up in my face.

“Nah, don’t be silly. I had to give you something to remember me by. I sure as hell won’t forget you. I’ll miss you, Mikey.” 

The cash register girl reached over the counter and gave me a big hug. 

I returned it with less force, but with as much appreciation. 

“Now, you better get going back. Don’t want to give your friend a heart attack, right?” She flashed a sweet smile at me. 

“Yeah, I guess. Well, it was a pleasure doing business with you.” 

“Same to you. Now scram before I do something stupid like get sentimental.” She waved me off with a laugh. 

I smiled and walked out the door. 

Today was maybe going to be a pretty ok day after all. 

I walked into the lunch room, cherry slushie in hand and headphones on my ears. “I Shot The Sheriff” threatened to rupture my eardrums. My feet couldn’t help but bounce me along to the beat. 

Even though Jeremy looked to be in a sad little lump of blue cardigan on the round lunch table, I kept on dancing. One of us had to lighten the mood. 

“Mikey?” He looked up and turned around to see me dancing like an idiot behind him. At least I was a happy idiot. 

He looked happier too, at least than when compared to him being a puddle of sad on my lunch table previously.

“Jeremy! How’s it hanging? I got my sushi and my slushy and more!” I sat down next to him and let my backpack hit the floor.

“What’s the roll today?” Jeremy gave me a small smile that encouraged me to continue my peppy act.

“The roll is negimaki, and I must say-” I leaned in and held my hand up to my face to shield my words from the rest of the lunch hour. “-I’m feeling pretty cocky because this cute girl at Seven-Eleven gave me a generous pour.”

Jeremy rolled his lovely blue eyes and chuckled at my “secretive” statement. 

“You’re listening to Bob Marley again, aren’t you?” He asked me while shaking his head.

Some of his wavy, dark hair flopped around his fair face as he did so. It was graceful in a strange sort of way.

“Oh, but of course. I am listening to Marley, and it is hella gnarly!” 

I put a finger up to his interrupting mouth when I saw him about to say something. Jeremy may have been my best friend, but he was not going to talk over the end of a Bob Marley song. 

“And we’re almost at the end of the song-” I shimmied my shoulders in tune to the last few beats before sliding the white headphones down to the base of my neck. “-yeah, that was the end. Now, tell me, My Dear Friend. How was class, you look like ass, what’s wrong?” 

My hand clasped around the cold, plastic container I had set on the lunch table. Jeremy was radiating “I need to rant about something” vibes from across the lunch room. This was going to be a long, slow sip kind of conversation.

“You need to help me with this one. What the hell does ‘LOVEB’ mean?” Jeremy grabbed his faded, blue backpack from off the floor and set it on the table. 

I inspected the backpack and then flipped it around. “LOVEB” was written across the front pocket in big, bold, Sharpie lettering. 

“Damn it,” My eyes closed and opened again slowly when it dawned on me.

Oh, Rich and his little pranks. Well, more like passive aggressive or aggressive aggressive terrorizing. 

I pulled my backpack up from the dusty floor. It only confirmed my suspicions. Rich had written “IRDS” on my backpack. How lovely. At least the letters were in the same kind of ransom note font. 

“Loveb Irds? Lovebirds. Oh! It’s Lovebirds! Oh, it’s Lovebirds.” Jeremy slumped back down in his plastic chair and let his head thump against the table. “I hate this school.”

I gently patted him on the back. “It’s ok, Jer, at least it’s not a slur or anything.”

Jeremy sat back up with a sigh. “Yeah, well anyway. I wrote Chrissy a letter telling them how I feel.” 

I took another long sip from my slushie. Of course Jeremy was still on about the Chrissy thing. Chrissy was a cool person, yeah, but I just had a weird, tight feeling blossom in my chest everytime he talked about them.

I didn’t like it, but I didn’t want to just shut him down. He wouldn’t have done that to me, so why would I be the dick? 

“That’s progress,”

Jeremy shrugged and looked down. “I tore it up and flushed it.”

I rolled my eyes and set the slushie back down before glaring at my friend. If you’re going to pine after someone and go through the trouble of writing a letter, don’t flush it down the toilet.

“It’s still progress.” He murmured.

My bangs flopped around my forehead as I shook my head and put my hand on his shoulder. “Hey, it’s all good.”

Something that I had forgotten popped back into my brain. I had written on a notecard what I saw on the Discovery channel last night. Jeremy was always talking about how being a loser sucked, but maybe he could start to see that he wasn’t really a loser. He just didn’t fit in with the popular kids. Nothing wrong with that. 

I sure as hell didn’t fit in either. 

“I saw on Discovery that man has stopped evolving!”

Jeremy’s thin lips pressed together in a neat frown. “That’s good? I thought our Bio teacher freshman year went on a whole thing about how we need evolution cause it’s important or whatever?”

“No. Evolution is survival of the fittest, right? But now, thanks to technology, you don’t have to be strong to survive!” 

I had to keep the peppy attitude going. I couldn’t have him going all emo on me now. Only one of us was allowed to be emo at a time, and I wanted a turn to be edgy. 

Selfish, but true.

I kept the smile going and jabbed him lightly in the side. “Which means there’s never been a better time in history to be a loser. So own it! Who cares about being cool or whatever when you can be-”

“Signing up for the school play.” 

I looked at Jeremy, feeling very confused and lost. He always wanted to join the play, which was cool, but that had not much to do with what we were talking about. 

He was stuck in some sort of trance, gazing across the lunch room. What was that curious face so fixated on?

“Um, I was gonna say ‘getting stoned off of the prescribed weed I have in my basement’, but-”

“No, Mikey. Look who’s signing up for the school play!” 

“Oh. Chrissy.”

That tight feeling came back. I still didn’t like it. 

“Yeah-” Jeremy let out an airy sigh. “-Chrissy Canigula.” 

Great. All he wanted to talk about was Chrissy. It had been weeks, nay months, of only Chrissy. I understood crushing on someone, but this was getting a little creepy. He could probably name all of the articles of clothing in their closet and then ramble on about which ones they wanted for the winter holidays. 

I was getting sick of only hearing about Chrissy. It started off as an innocent crush in sophomore year, but now it was an obsession. Why was Jeremy so stuck on someone that probably didn’t even know his name?

“Jesus, either get a room or get your ass up there. Don’t make me listen to the world’s tiniest violin playing.” I got up and threw away the half-eaten sushi. 

At least I would find peace in sitting in my AP English class. No more babbling about Chrissy. Just Bob Marley and thoughts about what I was going to do for my next job. I needed something if Jeremy and I wanted to continue to buy the new video games that were set to come out this summer. Doing work under the table for other students could only get me so far.

I also needed an excuse to get out of the house. 

By the time I reached my class, and the end of the next song on the playlist, I realized that Jeremy probably didn’t mean to be so crush crazy.

It was just how he was. He finds something that he likes and tries to enjoy that thing all of the time. I couldn’t blame him, it was nice that he still enjoyed things. 

Me: Hey, if you didn’t chicken out, I’ll walk you to your drama club after school  
Me: If you couldn’t tell, that was code for “do not chicken out”

I switched my phone off and shoved it in my backpack. Pop quiz day. No phones once you have entered the classroom. And may the odds be ever in your favor. 

The bell for the end of lunch rang and more kids started filing into the classroom. 

Jeremy walked into the classroom, smiling at his phone and blowing some of his wavy hair out of his face. He really should just let it go full curl. His aggressive combing just hindered the potential his hair could have. 

He also said that I should just let my hair down more, so I just dropped the subject. I still believed firmly in my opinion despite my lack of comments on the subject.

Mr. Carson passed out the quizzes. It was easy, just ten questions over what we had read last night. I didn’t think that it would take the class the whole period to finish it, but despite it being AP English, no one in here actually wanted to really work. 

Mr. Carson sure didn’t want to grade AP papers. 

I turned my paper in first and just put my head down for the rest of the period. Sleep threatened to capture me, but just before it caught me in it’s heavy grasp, a certain stripe clad friend of mine shook me back to reality.

“Come on, Mikey. I didn’t chicken out, so you have to keep up your end of the bargain.”

I smiled sleepily.

“Oh, so you still need me to walk you to class? Kidding, I really don’t mind. I’m glad you signed up, Jer.” My tired eyes met his and a more awake smile spread across my face. 

“I know how much you wanted to do it. Live your best life, Man.”

Jeremy gave me that bashful smile he gets whenever someone compliments him. His cheeks flush, and sometimes the red is so intense that it hides the freckles that are sprinkled across his nose. Those curious, wide eyes of his also look all around the room. They’d go anywhere except where the compliment came from.

“Come on, help me up. These creaky old joints aren’t gonna move themselves.”

Jeremy rolled his eyes and grabbed my extended hand. “Alright, now lead me to my first play rehearsal.”

“Why, I thought you’d never ask.” 

I slung my backpack over my shoulder and led my friend out of English class.

Today wasn’t a too terrible kind of day.


	3. Jeremy II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rip jeremy

Mikey strongly nudged me closer to the door, but my growing anxiety was stronger. 

“I just- What if people think I’m weird or I get made fun of or-” 

“Jer, is this something that you want to do?” Mikey put her hands on my shoulders. 

I could feel how cold they were through my cardigan and striped shirt. 

“Well, yeah-”

“Then what does it matter if other people think it’s weird? In the great words of Shia LeBeouf, ‘Just Do It!’” Mikey gave me another mischievous look.

She leaned back, letting the light bounce off of her lenses and keeping me from seeing the full extent of her playful look. “Of course, I won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do. But if you don’t do this, I’ll mock you forever.”

I sighed and stuck my tongue out at her indignantly.

“Come on, Jeremy. Let’s go.” I whispered to myself as I walked into the rehearsal room. 

Immediately, a bright spot of denim and yellow turtleneck caught my eye. 

“Yo!” I tried to hide my cringe after I said that. 

“Yo.” Chrissy replied, serious in tone. 

They slid over a chair and gestured for me to sit down.

“Um, is this where you meet for the play?” I started fiddling with my thumbs. 

A sincere, confused look spread all over their face. “Nope. This is where you meet for the swim team.”

My heart sank. Of course, Chrissy could also do sports. They could do anything.

I was just going to embarrass myself. I had to leave before I made things worse. I should have just agreed to let Mikey mock me forever. 

“Hey! I’m just joking, chill.” Chrissy gestured for me to sit down again. 

“Oh-” I said while lowering myself down into the red, plastic chair. “I’m Jeremy. I mean-”

“Are you ok?” 

“Erm, uhh.”

“You seem nervous.” Chrissy put their hand on my knee. 

My heart started pounding and my palms started sweating. What was happening?

“No, I um. I mean I always…” 

Why was I going to say that? 

Chrissy looked at me expectantly. I couldn’t back out now.

“...I always sweat this much.”

“No, I get it.” Chrissy took their hand away and leaned back in the plastic chair. They only balanced on the back two legs. 

Risky business.

“You’re a virgin-” They didn’t seem to notice my panic seeing as they continued. “-first play rehearsal.”

I let out a small sigh. “You think I’m nervous about play rehearsal?” 

“Why else would you be shaking? A lot.” 

I glanced down at my hands, it was worse than a cold Chihuahua in winter. 

“Ha, yeah. Totally freaked out.” Smooth Jeremy. Real smooth.

“It’s ok-” Chrissy leaned forward, making the two front legs of the chair slam down onto the tile again. “-I’m a little jealous actually. You never forget your first.” 

They sighed and looked up whimsically towards the dusty, greyish ceiling tiles. “Coming here is the highlight.”

My arms crossed over each other, and my hands tucked in, gripping my ribcage. “Of your day?”

Chrissy looked at me as if I had just asked what water was made out of.

“No, Jeremy. It’s the highlight of my life!”   
They broke out into a toothy grin. The small gap between their two front teeth was really cute. Chrissy was really cute. “I love play rehearsal. It’s just the best. It’s so much fun.” 

They grabbed my arm with their warm, little fingers as if to steady me for the next bit of information I was about to receive. “They equip you with directions and text. Life is so easy here in rehearsal, you follow a script so you know what comes next.”

Chrissy stood up and put on a converse clad shoe on the plastic chair. They leaned on it while resting their forearm on their knee.

“And it’s just amazing for channeling my gigantic feelings. Like for gun control, or the season spring, or if I am really living up to my full potential or just becoming a product of society because really with the standards that are put on us since we were-” Chrissy looked at me, almost regretful. “-Sorry, I forgot to take my ADD meds this morning, so I’m a little everywhere. I just get sidetracked so easily unless I’m hyper fixated on some, like this girl’s hair in my math class. There was a piece of lettuce just stuck there and- Gah!” 

They waved their hands around as if to clear a mental wipe board. “Anyway, the point that I’m getting to is that life isn’t always as easy as play rehearsal. It’s the only time I really get to know where all of the attention or focus of conversation is going. Like when I was Juliet or Blanche Dubois-” 

Chrissy tapped me on the arm lightly. “Did you see that? It was really one of my best roles. I was incredibly commanding, I think. It made me feel like there just aren’t strong roles for women in theater these days, particularly high school theater, do you find that? Because I totally find that to be true. Don’t even get me started on gender queer representation. I could talk about that for literal hours.”

They sat back down in their chair, feet barely touching the floor. Chrissy let their head loll back and all of the gorgeous, black, fluffy hair dangle. “I just can’t narrow down how much I love play rehearsal to just a few things, though.”

They sat back up and stared at their hands. Those dark, warm eyes seemed so woeful. “Most humans do one thing for all of their lives. The thought of that gives me hives.”

I nodded my head to encourage them to keep on going. I could have listened to Chrissy talk about play rehearsal for hours. 

“I just have so many things that I want to do. Why am I even telling all of this to you. I, like, just met you.” Chrissy’s attention came back to me. 

A lump started forming in my throat. I didn’t know how to respond to that. 

They shrugged. “I guess that there’s a part of me that wants to.” 

An impish grin split across their face. “There’s also a part of me that wants to do this.”

A demonic sounding screech erupted from Chrissy’s mouth. In a few seconds, they turned from a confused yet adorable person to someone that could be mistaken as the spawn of Satan. 

Well, the spawn of Satan were Mikey’s biological parents, but Chrissy could have given them a run for their money. 

“That was fun. Back to play rehearsal!” Chrissy clasped their hands together.

Their right leg bounced up and down with fervor and the smile on their face was the third brightest I had ever seen. 

“We’re starting, soon!”

I nodded and we both went back to sitting in silence. At first, it was comfortable, but then I started getting antsy.

Was Chrissy going to think that I was weird for not talking? I had to say something. Anything. 

“So, where’s everyone else?” I pushed back some of my hair, trying to ignore that it was starting to become clumpy from my sweat.

“We’ve been slipping in membership lately. I guess it’s just the two of us-” 

With a loud crack, the classroom door swung open and the popular kids came in. 

Jake Dillinger and Rich Goranski slapped each other’s asses while whooping about something. Rich seemed a little too enthusiastic. Brookes Lohst and Chloe Valentine were arguing with Jenna Roland about something. Probably more “pool” gossip. 

Eww. Some things should’ve just stayed between the people who did them. Not everyone needed to know every detail of the “incident.”

“Great. It’s not like they could have done any other extracurricular.” I muttered.

“Aww, don’t say that, Jeremy. We needed the extra bodies, and maybe one of them will end up being ok at this. If not, we can just do the whole show, right?” Chrissy lightly punched my arm, their silver ring almost getting caught on the threads of my knitted cardigan.

I smiled at them. Maybe that wouldn’t have been so bad. 

Mr. Reyes, the drama teacher, entered the classroom. A Hot Pocket box with some of the frost sliding off of it was gripped tightly in his hand. “Oh thank god, the popular students have arrived. Hellooooo, everyone! My name is Mr. Reyes. You may recognize me from Drama Class, or my full-time job, at the Hobby Lobby.” 

We all looked at him, impressed. Teaching, drama club, and working at Hobby Lobby. That took some multitasking. I would have cried trying to coordinate so many different things in one day. 

It also explained why he was notoriously known for never giving back papers in a timely fashion, but I supposed that he needed time to cry too.

“Thank you. I’ve been dreaming of the day I get to stage William Shakespeare’s classic ‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream’-”

“YES!” Chrissy pumped their fist into the air and then clapped a fawny beige hand to their mouth after realizing the exclamation was made out loud. And very loud. 

Mr. Reyes gave Chrissy a small smile before continuing. “And today, that dream dies.”

“What?” Chrissy moved in their seat so that the balls of their feet were firmly on the ground. They looked like a deer ready to prance about.

“And is reborn! Just... slightly mutated. The school has informed me that, unless I increase our popularity, our funds will be diverted.” Mr. Reyes scowled and looked out the window. The school Frisbee Golf team was heading out for practice. “To the Frisbee Golf Team.”

Ouch. At least some people made a living in drama. I had never heard of a person living solely off of their Frisbee Golf winnings.

“Which is why our production will be set, not in a pastoral forest, but a post-apocalyptic future. Instead of frolicking with fairies, there will be fleeing. From zombies.” Mr. Reyes rubbed his face and moved to place the frozen Hot Pocket box down on his mahogany desk.

“Don’t you care about Shakespeare?” Chrissy stood up. The deer had jumped. 

“The man is dead. Let it go. We will now take a five-minute break so I can eat a Hot Pocket.” 

Mr. Reyes opened the box and pulled out a pocket in a flimsy plastic covering. He tossed the box onto his desk and nodded towards the door so all of the kids would follow him. 

“Hell yeah.” Jake smacked Rich on the back from his desk adjacent to the idiot. 

“Theater is so easy, Dude. We got this.” Rich sprang up and grabbed another Hot Pocket from Mr. Reyes’ desk. 

Jake stood up to follow when Mr. Reyes blocked the entrance, looking to Brookes. 

“So, what’s the story with Jake and Madeline?” he asked.   
Brookes’ face lit up and he looked at Jake with a sly smile. 

Jake laughed and shook his head, heading back to his seat. Next to Rich’s. In front of Chrissy’s.

The gang left, minus the resident giant. Said giant then turned around and started talking to Chrissy. Moving his black fringe out of his eyes so casually as he spoke.

“Hey. You were in that play last year.”

“You mean Romeo and Juliet?” Chrissy leaned back in their chair again. The front two legs looked like spikes in the air.

“Yeah. You were that girl who died!”

“You mean Juliet?”

“Yeah!” Jake’s face fell a bit. He looked down at the sleeves of his letterman’s jacket. “That was depressing.”

Chrissy frowned and narrowed their eyes. “Thanks?”

Jake looked back up, a charismatic grin gracing his face. “But… you were good.” He stuck his tawny hand out. “I’m Jake.”

Chrissy looked more confused. “I know? You’re the school star sportsman.”

Jake shook his head with that stupid handsome smile. 

“Cool. Hey, can I say something stupid?” He asked.

Chrissy nodded. 

“When I saw you die in the play last year, that was like the saddest I’d felt in a long time. It was like everything in my life, all the pressure I feel to be the best, at everything, all the time, Suddenly felt so small. And then, when you got up at the end for your victory dance-”

“Bow. It’s called a bow.” Chrissy tapped their fingers against their long yellow sleeves.

“Right-” He smiled. “-I remember thinking, ‘I’m glad that they aren’t dead, before I even got the chance to know them.’ Stupid, right?”

Chrissy’s face softened. They leaned forward and looked up at Jake with this sweetness that I hated seeing him receive. 

“That’s-” They faltered. “That’s not stupid at all.”

“Cool. Hey, so a bunch of us are going out after practice today. You should join. ‘Parting is such a sweet-” Jake pressed his lips together like he was trying to figure out the answer to an algebra problem. 

“Sorrow?” Chrissy offered, finishing the quote.

“Whatever-” Jake shook his head before his eyes landed at my feet. Right next to where my backpack was. “Hey, Dude, someone wrote ‘LOVEB’ on your backpack.” 

I moved to shove the bag behind my seat, almost toppling over in my chair. 

Jake got up, waving goodbye to Chrissy and walking over to Mr. Reyes’ desk to get a Hot Pocket. 

I sat back up. 

Ok. Now it was my turn to talk. Chrissy was in a talking mood, so this would be easy, right?

“So. I, uh, heard this thing that humans aren’t evolving anymore-” I turned to look at them only to see that those joyful eyes were fixated on Jake’s movements.

Chrissy shook their head and then looked at me. “Sorry, Jeremy, did you say something?”

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jake look over and smile at Chrissy. 

“I, uh, I actually have to go. You know? Homework and chores and stuff. I’ll see you l-later. Right?” 

I didn’t even wait for a response. The only thing that I could hear was the blood pounding in my ears. I just had to make it to the bathroom. I just had to wash that stupid Sharpie off.

The only good thing that had come out of this was that at least they now knew that I was alive.


	4. Mikey II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can i have a miss smith plz?

Jeremy stuck his tongue out at me before entering the classroom. God, my best friend was such a dork. 

I put my headphones back on and started walking to the library. Miss Smith wanted to see me after school there. She-demon was in New York, and Nadia didn’t get home on Fridays until six. 

I had time. 

“Oh, Mikey, there you are! I thought that maybe you had forgotten.” Miss Smith smiled and turned around to grab a packet of papers from the bookshelf behind her. 

“No, I just had to walk a friend to a club real fast. What did you want to see me for?” I slid the headphones back down to the base of my neck.

She spun around, making her floral dress twirl around her as she handed the papers to me. “I was reading about this scholarship, and I thought you would be the perfect candidate for it. You’re mixed race, right?”

I smiled. “Yeah, uh, half white, half Filipino-Ecudorian.”

“Oh, perfect. You have to write an essay about your experience at school, coming from a household that has two different cultures.”

Panic started filling my chest from beneath my red hoodie. I couldn’t talk about stuff that happened at home. No one would want me at their school if I wrote anything about that. 

“Erm, Miss Smith? No disrespect, but my dad, the white one, uh, doesn’t live with us. I haven’t seen him in years. My step-mom has family in South Africa, but we don’t really adhere to any of those traditional kind of things. Like, I think it’s her third cousins or something that she’s met once at a wedding.”

Miss Smith made an “o” shape with her mouth. “Well, let’s go through the requirements to see if you could still write something. It’s a big scholarship because campuses are trying to be more diverse.” 

She took back the stapled stack and started flipping through the pages. “Who puts the guidelines on the back?” She whispered to herself. 

I cocked my head and tried to read some of the words for the underside of the paper. “Half of the tuition will be paid for if the student is to be part of the Ethnic Studies program.”

Half of my tuition? I didn’t want to major in anything close to that, but that would give me freedom to do other things if the college would pay for half of it. Hell, that might be the only thing I could use to convince my mother to let me go to college. 

Nadia was all in favor of me going off and continuing my education after high school, but the she-demon wanted me to stay in New Jersey. She wanted me to stay so I could never get rid of her. 

“Aha! Here!” Miss Smith shoved her pasty hand in my face with the paper. 

I took it and started reading the guidelines and requirements of the essay. 

"The participants of the scholarship contest should write about their experiences as being mixed-race children. This can include but not be limited to: clashing of cultures at home, finding balance between different parts of the lifestyle, racism experienced in the home or outside of the home, social ranking/standards set in the education setting, and/or how being mixed race affects one’s everyday life. 

The college board is asking for students of multiple races and cultures to write an essay based on their experience(s) in hopes that more light can be brought to the issues students can face because of their background. 

The Ethnic Cultures Program is also trying to find the best candidates for understanding and bring multiple cultures together. They will be giving a guarantee for half of the tuition of a bachelor’s degree to whoever wins the scholarship." 

The shaky breath I exhale rattle in my ribcage. This was my chance. This was my chance to actually go to college. I didn’t even care if it wasn’t the major I was interested in, I just wanted to leave.

If I won, I could leave. 

Jeremy said that he would follow me to any college I chose, as long as I could promise that they had a Graphic Design program. We could just leave, and be cool in college. 

No one would call us names anymore. Being nerdy would be cool because most nerds go to college. No more high school drama bull shit, just students laughing about frat parties and crying over finals. 

This was my chance at that. 

“So, Mikey. What do you think?”

All I could do was stand there, my mouth agape. 

“How did you even find this? Like, I’m just in your creative writing class where I have the stories that always take place in the nineties. I just can’t understand how this would even be on your radar.” 

Miss Smith gave me her class, “teacher knows best, so shut up” smile. “You clearly have a knack for writing. I don’t know what you do to come up with this stuff, but I think that it could take you places.” 

She leaned back to prop herself up against the wire shelves. Her blonde hair went well with all of the old, torn up covers behind her. 

“I heard from a different teacher that your mom isn’t native to the States. And one of my friends actually wanted her son to apply for this scholarship, so I put two and two together and decided that I might as well tell the person that has talent to go for it.”

All of the words of gratitude and appreciation for her got stuck in my throat. Miss Smith was the best creative writing teacher I could have asked for. 

“Well then, I think I have to be going. I work part time at the flower shop downtown, and my shift starts soon. Please tell me that you’ll actually go for it, Mikey?”

My head nodded so hard that I thought it was going to fall off. 

“Oh good. Now, I do have to get going, but I’ll see you on Monday, yeah? I’m waiting to see what you have to share then.”

Miss Smith left the library with her blue canvas bag slung over her shoulder and her springy blonde hair bounces with each step she took with her sandals. 

The paper stayed clutched tight in my shaky hands as I stood in the historical fiction section of the school’s library. 

Today certainly wasn’t a too terrible kind of day after all.

A buzz went off in my back left pocket. I pulled out my phone to see a text from the group chat I had with Nadia and the she-demon.

Nadia <3: Hey, there was an incident at work. I’m not going to be home until late. A kid broke the x-ray machine. I talked to Mr. Heere, he said that Michelle could stay over late as long as she had her school work done. Is that ok with you two?  
The Embodiment of Human Suffering: As long as she isn’t too much of a bother. Mr. Heere doesn’t need to put up with Michelle’s lack of respect.  
Nadia <3: Mr. Heere loves Michelle, and I think it would be nice if she got to spend some time with Jeremy. I know that they used to hang out everyday. She deserves to hang out with her friends more.  
The Embodiment of Human Suffering: She drives the boy to school everyday. Isn’t that enough? I say that she can go if the house is deep cleaned.   
Nadia <3: I’ll tell Mr. Heere that Michelle will be over for dinner. If that is ok with her, I mean.  
Me: Yep, that is totally fine. I’ll make sure that everything is perfect for when you guys come home.   
The Embodiment of Human Suffering: I’m staying in New York until next Friday night. If I hear one word of Michelle misbehaving, nothing good will happen after that.   
Nadia <3: Oh please. Our little angel couldn’t hurt a fly. Everything will be fine, Babe. Just enjoy your trip. We can go to that new steakhouse when you come back.   
The Embodiment of Human Suffering: That sounds nice. But Michelle, I mean it. Not a speck of dust.   
Me: Yes Ma’am. 

Then, Nadia sent me a message in our private chat. 

Nadia <3: The house already looks fine, and you always get your stuff done. You can head over to Jeremy’s house whenever. We can tidy up the house tomorrow, although I really don’t know what needs to be cleaned. Your mother has you do everything already, so I think it looks fine. Anyway. Just go have fun and don’t do anything stupid.  
Nadia <3: And tell Jeremy that I say hi. I miss him, he’s such a good kid.  
Me: I will, don’t worry. And btw, he thinks that you’re pretty cool too  
Nadia <3: Aww, you guys are too sweet :)  
Nadia <3: Also, if anything happens, just...be safe  
Me: ???  
Nadia <3: I’m just saying  
Me: Nadia! He’s my friend, omg.   
Nadia <3: And that’s what I told my coworkers about your mom ;)  
Me: omg, stap

I covered my face with my red sleeve to hide my embarrassment. It didn’t matter that I was standing alone in the middle of the library by myself. I could still feel the warmth spreading all over my face.

Nadia <3: I’m teasing. If you two were actually a thing, I would hope that I would see him more. Also, there’s some cookies in the pantry if you want to bring them to his house. Your mom wants us to try going low carb, so I don’t need them  
Me: I’ll bring the cookies. Thank youuu, Nadia  
Me: :)  
Nadia <3: No problem. Just have fun, for god sakes!

I shoved the phone back into my pocket and put my headphones back on. “Three Little Birds” started blaring through the speakers. 

Today, definitely was a good kind of day, but I still wanted to go home and work on some stuff before going to Jeremy’s. I would have felt awful if I made Nadia clean up the house with me. 

My mother would have made me feel awful if she found out I didn’t do it.


	5. Jeremy III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just figured out how to italicize things in ao3, now i can actually use the writing style that I like.
> 
> also: psa, contray to popular belief, washing your hands makes you cool

The water streamed from the faucet as I tried to scrub the lettering off of my old blue backpack. Stupid Sharpie. Why did it have to be permanent marker?

“I told you not to wash that off.” Rich Goranski came into the bathroom, thumps from his combat boots causing echoes along the cracked tile. 

“Where’s my homework?” I whisper. 

Maybe if I pretended to be looking for my Physics notes, he would leave me alone. People totally ran their bags underwater when they were looking for their physics notes.

“I’m talking to you, Tall Ass!” Rich stopped in the middle of the restroom. 

I turned around to look at him, despite me having five inches on him when I stood up straight, I felt very short in that moment.

“Why do you keep on calling me that. I’m not even that tall.” I muttered, looking down at the suspiciously sticky floor. 

Rich huffed and walked over to the urinal. That was my cue to get the hell out of there. 

I grabbed my soggy backpack and started heading for the stalls. There was some hand sanitizer in my bag, that could get Sharpie out of almost anything, right?

“You could be, if you weren’t hunched over all scared all the time. The only thing more pathetic is the way you’re sneaking off to a stall to get away from me.” 

I stopped. Did he have eyes in the back of his blond head?

“Stall’s for girls. You a girl, Jeremy?” He said, the trickling sound still very loudly continuing while he spoke.

“How can you talk to people while you’re, you know?”

“Confindance,” Rich said. 

He jumped up a bit like he was pulling up his zipper and then walked over to me, standing all hunched over like the guy from the Notre Dame movie. 

“You might wanna watch the floor.” 

Rich suddenly stopped and started twitching. I was about to run to the nurse and say that he was having a seizure when it stopped. 

“I, uh, don’t have to pee anymore. I’m just gonna go-” 

“Don’t move.” 

His voice sounded different. It almost had an electronic twinge to it. His eyes also flashed blue for a second. Not like Rich has blue eyes, like the entire eyeball became a source code screen. 

Rich looked up from the floor and made eye contact with me. “You remember me freshman year, right?” 

I shuddered. I tried to block out all of freshman year. It was not a good time. 

Yet, as a few scary memories bounced around in my head, Rich wasn’t in any of them. 

“I did-” Rich pounded the wall for emphasis, causing the paper towel dispenser to go off. “You just didn’t notice. Nobody did!”

He grew closer to me. That red streak in his hair that once looked stupid was now very menacing. The ripped, muscle top and camo pants didn’t help either.  “Freshman year. I didn’t have a girlfriend or a clue.” 

Rich stopped and pushed his pointer finger into my chest. “I was a loser, just like you.”

He then waved his hand at the ceiling like he was watching a plane fly by. “Good times would only, soar by.” 

I frowned. Was this just, advanced bullying?

“I was gross. My sexting was so bad, and I was just hopeless. Helpless, really.”

Rich stared at the opening to the hallway with venom in his eyes. “Every time I walked in the hallway, I would get tripped. It got to be so bad. The bullying was relentless. I was suicidal, but then-” He stopped and leaned in close to my ear. “-I got a Squip.”

“You got quick?”

Rich pulled back and looked at me like I was stupid. “Not quick. Squip.”

“I’ve just never heard of it before.” 

“That’s the point. This is some top secret, can’t look it up on the internet shit.”   


His eyes flashed to the source screen again. What the hell was going on. 

“It’s from Japan. It’s a grey oblong pill with a quantum nanotechnology CPU. The computer in the pill travels through your blood until it implants in your brain and tells you what to do.”

I scrunched up my nose and tilted my head. “That’s not even possible.”

Rich grabbed the front of my striped shirt and shoved me into the cold, tile wall. 

“Shut up, Tall Ass!” That electronic twinge again. Had he always talked like that?

Rich’s expression softened, and he let me down slowly. Once my feet were firmly on the floor and my shirt was smoothed out, he spoke again. 

“Sorry, old habits. Look, I apologize for treating you like human garbage all the time. I only did it ‘cause my squip said I had to. But now it’s saying you’re not a bad guy. That you might want a squip of your own. ‘Course, if you’re not interested…” He trailed off.

I stared at his worn combat boots and twiddled with my thumbs. “So, it’s like, drugs?”

Rich laughed. “It’s better than drugs, Jeremy. It’s from Japan!”   


He smiled widely and continued.  “It’s preprogrammed. It’s amazing. It speaks to you directly. It helps you act correctly and be cool.” 

Rich pulled himself up onto the ledge behind the sinks, gesturing with his hands like he was framing something.  “Picture this. Nobody cares if you’re late, even the teachers think that you’re great. You get invited to all of the parties, and your weekends just become blowout benders.” 

Rich hopped back down from the ledge and clasped my pointy shoulders roughly.  “Right now, you’re hopeless, but you’re not helpless. If you take my advice and fork over some cash, your whole life could flip.”   


I pressed my lips together before responding. Could he tell that I was getting sweaty again?

“How much cash?”

“I got a hook-up, this guy works at Payless Shoes at the Menlo Park Mall. It’s six hundred.”

My jaw dropped. “Dollars?”

“It’s worth it. Bring the money on Monday. You’ll see.” 

Rich patted me lightly and started to head out of the bathroom. A shudder ran through my body when I realized something that he had forgotten to do.

“Aren’t you gon-gonna wash your hands?”

Rich spun around and continued to walk out backwards. “Nah, Man. Who needs to wash your hands when you’re cool? But do you know what you need?” 

I scrunched up my nose again. Maybe being cool was overrated if it meant that you didn’t wash your hands after using the bathroom. 

“You need a Squip.” Rich left the bathroom, the sounds from his heavy boots ending after he turned the corner down the hall. 

I shook my head and pulled out my phone to see a text from my dad.

_ Dad: I think that Mikey is coming over after she gets her homework done. Where are you? _

_ Me: I’m at school. I had something to do after class. I’ll start walking home now.  _

Part of me wanted to ask why he bothered to text me that. Mikey used to come over everyday, and normally she texts me when she can’t come over. The other part of me wanted to ask if he had actually put on pants like I asked him to, but I was afraid that I already knew the answer. 

I started walking out of the school. My knotty earbuds played some nice indie music while I walked home. The breeze was nice, and it wasn’t too hot out. Despite all of this wonderful stuff to look at outside, I couldn’t help but think about what Rich had said. I also couldn’t help but think about how much I had made an idiot out of myself in front of Chrissy, but I could actually do something about the Rich thing. 

A computer that travels through your blood and implants in your brain? That sounded like something from a musical about depressed high schoolers, not something that could actually happen. 

But, Rich’s eyes kept on changing. Did I make that up? Was it the fear of being trapped in the bathroom alone with the school bully making my own brain act miswired?

His voice kept on changing too, but I hadn’t noticed that before. It was like really bad autotune. Was I just going crazy, or could this tiny pill from Japan actually do that?

I closed the front door behind me and ran upstairs. Mikey and I may have been friends for twelve years, but I still didn’t want my room looking like a total disaster when she came over. 

She also had said in the past that she would help me with English if my room was filthy, and I did not understand anything that we were reading. 

I also hadn’t actually read anything that we were reading. She just sent me her own version of Sparknotes when she was done writing. 

Almost as if she knew I was thinking about her, I got a text from Mikey.

_ Player One: Hey, do you need the Mikey notes from the book? _

_ Me: Yes please. _

_ Player One: Alright, this one is a doozy, so hang on tight. _

_ Player One: Holden gets drunk at the bar after the sex therapist leaves and calls Sally as a booty call. She and her grandma do not appreciate that at all. Then he tries to ask out two other girls and they shoot him down. Our boy is gonna have blue balls tonight. He also goes to a duck pond to look for ducks (a genius move) but breaks the record he bought for Phoebe. This makes him upset (obviously, records are cool) so he tries to sober himself up my splashing himself with freezing cold pond water. Then he gets icicles in his hair and starts thinking about dying. That leads him to thinking about how Allie died and he missed the funeral because he was at the Anti Depression facility (fun times). These thoughts make him more upset, so he’s like “I’mma go talk to Phoebe.” The dude plans to sneak in, talk to her, and not wake up the parents. Holden then leaves the park _

_ Player One: Ta Da _

_ Me: Can you please do your own sparknotes? Like, write it for them? _

_ Player One: Nah, I’m too expensive for them B) _

_ Me: True _

_ Me: But thank you Mikey _

_ Player One: Yeah, can’t have you fail English. I refuse to have you not graduate with me _

_ Me: Oh boy, then you have your work cut out for ya _

_ Player One: :( _

_ Me: Don’t :( me when I am speaking the truth _

_ Me: I thought we were better than that _

_ Player One: Oh sorry, your Highness _

_ Player One: I shall give you the grandest smile when you get an F on your paper _

_ Me: *slowly raises up a middle finger* _

_ Player One: Now, I thought we were better than that Jer-Bear _

_ Player One: ;) _

_ Me: Yeah, whatever Mike Wazowski _

I smiled and threw my phone at my bed. At least she was gonna come over, and we could play some video games. It was just what I needed. 

After picking up the last of my clothes off of the floor, and changing into a different blue cardigan, I settled down in my bean bag chair. 

My eyes burned as I stared at the ceiling. Was Rich right? Could this be the thing that actually makes me cool? 

If I was cool, maybe Chrissy would have wanted to get to know me better. If I was cool, maybe the teacher would have given me an easier time in English. If I was cool, maybe my dad wouldn’t have gotten so depressed after mom left. 

Maybe mom wouldn’t have left if I was cool. 

I just needed something to help me thrive and not be such a loser, geek, or whatever.


	6. Mikey III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw child abuse

I parked my Cruiser in the garage before heading inside my house, “Sun Is Shining” was playing from the base of my neck. My poor speakers. 

I couldn’t help but wonder which was going to go first, my hearing or my headphones?

The garage door closed behind me, and I walked into the cool house. My smile fell when I saw her sitting at the kitchen table. 

“Michelle, nice to see that you actually came home to do the things I asked you to do. What were you out doing so late?”

The she-demon rose from her woven seat and walked over. Her metallic pink cup scraped against the sink as she put it in there. 

“My teacher wanted to talk to me after class, that’s all. I swear.”

My mother smiled with her shark like teeth. I could smell the coffee on her breath. She walked over to the cabinet and took out some of the plates. 

Something started pounding in my chest with the force of a jackhammer. One by one, I watched her fingers let go of the plates until they dropped to the floor and shattered. 

Dusty pieces of ceramic covered the grey tile floor, but she didn’t stop there. 

The she-demon reached under the sink and pulled out my bottle of cleaning supplies. She unscrewed the cap and started dumping the liquid out into the sink.

All I could do was stand there and watch. I couldn’t move or show any emotion. That would just make it worse. I didn’t want it to be like before. I wouldn’t be able to handle it if it became like before. 

The she-demon threw the empty bottle in the sink and grabbed another bottle. She continued until all that was left was ammonia. 

I got sick every time I used ammonia, that’s why Nadia bought all of the other cleaners for me. 

My mother washed her hands off in the sink and dried them on my hoodie’s sleeve. It took everything in me not to flinch while she was doing so.

“That’s for lying. Don’t do it next time.”

She sighed and walked back over to the kitchen table. Her sharp, pointed flats slapped the floor with intense anger. Everything she did was intense and angry. 

“I'll be going, Nadia thinks that I’m staying in New York for a week. I really just needed an excuse to stop seeing your lazy-ass. I did have to check if you would actually listen to me, but I guess that you can’t be trusted. Maybe I’ll just drive back down after school every day and find things for you to do. Liars need to penance.”

Her voice dropped low as she put her hand on the metal doorknob.  “I still don’t understand how I got a freak like you after your father and I put so much effort into raising you. You still turned out all messed up.” 

She left, slamming the door closed behind her. 

Don’t move. Don’t move. Don’t move. Don’t move. 

I stayed standing completely still and emotionless in the middle of the kitchen for thirty minutes. The Bob Marley music stopped playing, leaving the only noise in the house to be the sound of my own uneven breathing. 

I couldn’t use the ammonia. It would have made me too sick to do anything fun with Jeremy. This was the first time we could actually hang out in a while, and I didn’t want to waste it by spending all of my time in the bathroom. 

As I controlled my breathing, I thought about the stuff I had downstairs in my bathroom. There was my shampoo, conditioner, hair stuff, my special box that I would have to use later, and some cleaning supplies that went with the box. 

Cleaning supplies. She wouldn’t have known about those. 

I threw open the basement door and ran to my bed. Underneath the floorboard, I pulled out the shoebox and some of my cleaning stuff. 

Mr. Jamie’s all natural multi surface cleaner. My personal lord and savior.

I sighed and leaned back on my heels. 

The mess wasn’t that bad, compared to other things I have had to clean up. How I was going to explain to Nadia about the plates and the missing cleaner bottles, I had no idea.

My phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out to see what it was. A notification to text Jeremy about chapter twenty in our book.

He never read any class books, he just hoped for anything above a D- in that class and was happy about it. I still didn’t understand how he was in AP English with that attitude, but they hadn’t kicked him out yet.

Jeremy also was the only person I could actually talk to in that class. If he left, I didn’t think that I could bear listening to Mr. Carson drone on about his personal life. 

_ Me: Hey, do you need the Mikey notes from the book? _

_ Player Two <3: Yes please. _

I cracked all of my fingers in preparation for my summary. This was my time to shine. No student handbook rules could censor me now. 

_ Me: Alright, this one is a doozy, so hang on tight. _

_ Me: Holden gets drunk at the bar after the sex therapist leaves and calls Sally as a booty call. She and her grandma do not appreciate that at all. Then he tries to ask out two other girls and they shoot him down. Our boy is gonna have blue balls tonight. He also goes to a duck pond to look for ducks (a genius move) but breaks the record he bought for Phoebe. This makes him upset (obviously, records are cool) so he tries to sober himself up my splashing himself with freezing cold pond water. Then he gets icicles in his hair and starts thinking about dying. That leads him to thinking about how Allie died and he missed the funeral because he was at the Anti Depression facility (fun times). These thoughts make him more upset, so he’s like “I’mma go talk to Phoebe.” The dude plans to sneak in, talk to her, and not wake up the parents. Holden then leaves the park _

I smiled at my work. The summary wasn’t that bad, and it was one of the more funny ones.

_ Me: Ta Da _

_ Player Two <3: Can you please do your own sparknotes? Like, write it for them? _

_ Me: Nah, I’m too expensive for them B) _

_ Player Two <3: True _

_ Player Two <3: But thank you Mikey _

_ Me: Yeah, can’t have you fail English. I refuse to have you not graduate with me _

_ Player Two <3: Oh boy, then you have your work cut out for ya _

Jeremy was bad at English, but that was because he didn’t try. Why did he think that he was so awful at everything all of the time? He really wasn’t. The only thing that he really didn’t understand was what a semi colon was used for.

_ Me: :( _

_ Player Two <3: Don’t :( me when I am speaking the truth _

_ Player Two <3: I thought we were better than that _

_ Me: Oh sorry, your Highness _

_ Me: I shall give you the grandest smile when you get an F on your paper _

_ Player Two <3: *slowly raises up a middle finger* _

_ Me: Now, I thought we were better than that Jer-Bear _

_ Me: ;) _

_ Player Two <3: Yeah, whatever Mike Wazowski _

Damn, he pulled out the Wazowski card. That sent me way back into eighth grade. 

Oh God. Eighth grade. No, we had known each other for way longer than that. We became friends in kindergarten.

Oh God. I had known Jeremy for a stupidly long about of time, and I still blushed whenever he called me something other than “Mikey”

I glanced at the time on my phone and saw that the battery next to it was dangerously low. (That was not acceptable in the slightest.)

The phone got plugged into the cord and laughed to myself. The only reason I got a phone was because my father wanted to track my location at all times. The only reason I kept my phone was because Nadia thought I was responsible enough to keep track of it. 

Oh, Nadia, why could you have been my birth mother? Then, people might have actually believed me when I said that I was a mixed kid. 

I sighed and got up. My feet felt all tingly from sitting on them for too long. My hand reached up to my ponytail and pulled the black scrunchie out. My small headache stopped hurting as much. 

After rolling up my floppy sleeves, I grabbed the bottle of cleaner and trudged upstairs. The broom always stayed in the garage, so at least I didn’t have to carry that. 

Getting all of the pieces swept up and thrown into the garbage bin outside was easy, getting all of the dust off of everything was hard. 

It also didn’t help that whenever some cleaner got into my arms, I had to wash it off to stop the stinging. No harsh chemicals didn’t mean that it still didn’t hurt. 

Two hours of scrubbing and washing later, and the kitchen was spotless. 

I looked up at the living room clock while washing my hands and saw that it was almost 6:00. Hopefully, Jeremy hadn’t passed out yet. He had a tendency to take a Friday night nap if there wasn’t anyone around to annoy him. 

Looks like I had a job to do. 

I grabbed the bottle of natural cleaner and shoved it back under my floorboard, along with the box. Maybe I didn’t need to use it today. 

I rolled my sleeves down while checking my phone.

_ Player Two <3: Hey, my dad said that you were coming over. Do you wanna play AoTD? _

_ Me: Is Monopoly the grim reaper of all relationships? Of course I want to play AoTD. _

_ Me: We have to get past level 9. _

_ Player Two <3: Sweet, I’ll get it set up. When are you coming over? _

_ Me: omw _

_ Player Two <3: Don’t text and drive, dummy. It’s a 15 minute walk.  _

_ Me: I’m not driving yet, but thanks for caring :) _

_ Player Two <3: Yeah, I’m nice like that. But hurry up! I’m booooored. _

_ Me: Stop texting me and maybe I’ll get there faster ;) _

_ Player Two <3: ha. _

My eyes hurt from rolling them so hard. I shook my head, right before shoving my hair back into a ponytail. Jeremy had an unfair advantage everytime we played, his hair didn’t drape over his face while we were blasting zombies. 

I shoved my phone in my back pocket and turned off the lights in my room. I just had to grab the cookies, and then we could leave. 

Once I opened the pantry, I saw a note from my personal tormentor that made my blood boil.

_ No need to get fat and be even more ugly. I threw out the junk food in the house.  _

Could nothing be easy with her?

I crumpled up the note and shoved it in my pocket. Nadia would have lost her mind if she saw it, and I guess that was kind of the point the she-demon was trying to make. 

Whatever. 

I hopped into my car and turned on the radio. 90’s grunge bands were fine. 

The garage door opened and I pulled out. At least I was going somewhere where I wasn’t the freak, or the loser, or the grievance.


	7. Jeremy IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> are you sure about that, jer?

“Apocalypse of the Damned!” I shoved the game in Mikey’s face while she laughed at me. 

“Level Nine?”

“The Cafetorium!”

She grabbed a controller and got us to the main menu while I muted Spotify on my Macbook. 

“Ok, Jer, what’s our main adjective for today?” She smiled, eyes crinkling in the corners. 

“Find the bad guy, push them aside. Move on forward, with your best friend at your side, of course.”

She rolled her eyes at me and shook her head. “It’s a two-player game, duh.”

“So, when the zombies make an attack, you know you got a guy who’s gonna have your back. Then, we stay on track, use our force, but you better not speed ahead this time.”

Mikey laughed and patted my knee sympathetically as I sat down in my brown bean bag chair.  “It would be totally lame if I left you behind. AoTD is way too fucked.” 

“At least it’s two player!” I hit the start button and the theme music started playing. 

Mikey cracked her knuckles before going to town on a zombie in a crop top. 

We continued playing for a while, but there was something that I had to get off of my chest. 

“Hey, Mikey, you know Rich Goranski, right?” I scrunched up my nose while beating a zombie’s brains out. 

“No, Jeremy. I totally don’t know the guy that bullied you for all of sophomore year, tried to lock us both in the janitor's closet, and scribbled all over our backpacks. Never heard of him before.” She blew out a small puff of air to get her bangs out of her eyes. 

It didn’t work. 

“Oh, yeah. Well, he kinda cornered me in the bathroom and started telling me about this thing he got.”

“Genital herpes?” 

Her quip caught me off guard, and a zombie swiped at me. My health bar went down two notches. 

“No! Jesus Christ, Mikey. God.” I laughed. 

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her smirk. Her lips were still stained red from the cherry slushie. It was nice to see her like this again.

I had missed her. 

“Anyway. He told me about this pill he took. A Squip. He said that it helped him climb up the social ladder and made him more cool. He offered to give me one for six hundred dollars on Monday, what do you think?”   


Mikey sat still for a moment before pausing the game, but not before taking some damage to her character. 

“I do think that it took some kind of drugs for people to think that he is likeable, but he’s scamming you. He’s scamming you weirdly.” 

“What if he’s not? This could be huge! All I need to do is give the guy who torments me six-” I paused as the reality of what I was saying started settling in. “-hundred. He’s totally scamming me.”

I smacked my face with the controller as I leaned back in my chair. “I’m doomed to be a loser ‘til the end of the world. No, probably then too.”

“No way-” Mikey grabbed the controller from my hands and set it behind the bean bags, along with her. “-Look at me.” 

I looked up to see her sitting like a therapist in the brown chair. Her glasses were resting on the tip of her nose, and her feet were crossed at the skinny jean covered ankles. 

“Dude, you are cooler than a vintage cassette. It’s just that these kids don’t see that. They don’t see the Jeremy that I get to hang out with and laugh with. But, we’re a team and sometimes, these high schoolers are the opponents.”   


She stood up and walked over to my closet. Mikey opened the shutter door and pulled my old pair of painted roller skates out from the depths of it. 

“We like things like out of print games, retro skates, and-” Her fingers tapped against the secret tattoo was on her shoulder. The Pac-Man to my Inky.”-we even forged signatures to get these lovely Pac-Man tattoos that are severely underappreciated.” 

I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms. 

Mikey was just trying to cheer me up. It was clear that I was just a geek that was too gullible to function. 

“Ugh, Jeremy. Quit being emo, this isn’t seventh grade.” Mikey plopped down next to me on the floor.

“Hey, you know what? Maybe I like being emo.” 

She snorted. “I’m sorry, Jer, but you could not pull off spiky black hair.”

I laughed.

Mikey leaned back and put her arms behind her head, resting against the footboard of my bed. 

“Hey, do you know what could be dope, though? People like us are cool in college. We aren’t seen as lame or stupid. The STEM majors would grovel at our feet for knowing all about the old Nintendo systems.” 

That caught my attention. I sat up a bit in my chair and looked over at Mikey. 

“Listen, high school is hell, but we navigate it well. We just gotta look at it like it’s a two player game.” 

I sighed. Mikey’s fantasy was nice, but it was just a fantasy. 

“Mikey, as losers-” I paused, she looked a little upset at my choice of words. I was going to try and remember that for later. There was she-demon drama today, apparently, so I could just try to use other parts of my vocabulary. “- we have fought together for years.”

She nodded, pressing those cherry stained lips together tightly.

“Both Nintendo zombies and our popular peers. Now, I’m stuck on a level, and all I want is to move on.”

She put her hand on my arm and squeezed it gently. “Just wait two years, then we can be cool in college. We won’t be lame.”

I groaned. “Dude, I know. I get it, but we're not in college.”

“Not yet.” Her eyes lit up. 

Mikey stood up and pulled me out of my bean bag chair. My cardigan looked all crumpled as I stood up.  “Our school? whack. But what do we have? Each other’s back. Who do we got? Just me and you. Hotel? Trivago.” 

I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to cry. 

Mikey smirked again and tried to keep me from completely topping over. 

“I guess that I can play your two-player game, Mikey.” I wiped my eyes and smiled at her.

This was the happiest I had felt in months. How did she always manage to do it?

She shrugged her shoulders and winked at me. “It’s just what we do, My Dear Jeremy.” 

I rolled my eyes again. I couldn’t stand any more Sherlock references. That was a phase that we left behind in eighth grade. 

She patted me on the shoulder, and then handed me a controller. “Would you like to continue our fight against the scum of the Earth?”

“You mean our classmates? Oh hell yeah.”

“HA!” Mikey shoved the controller at my chest and sat back down. 

We bashed brains and slit gut suckers for a solid forty minutes before I heard a knock at the door.

“Hello?” My dad was at the door. 

I was getting up to open it when Mikey pulled me back down. “Jer, blood. Don’t slip!”   


I grabbed the controller and made my character jump over the red puddle. 

“Son?” my dad asked.

Dad would have to wait.

Mikey’s player shot a zombie in the eye, just before a werewolf came up from behind her. 

“Dude, claws!”

She ducked and turned to stab the furry creature. 

“JEREMY?”

Dad couldn’t wait. 

“Mikey, just pause it, please?” 

She nodded and paused the game, saving our progress as she did so. 

“Yeah, Dad?” I said. 

My dad opened the door to reveal that he was only in a button-down shirt and tidy whities. 

“Ah! Dad, pants! For the love of God.” I covered my eyes.

“Is that a girl? Jeremy, did you bring a- Oh, hi, Mikey. I forgot. I didn’t see you come inside.” 

From in between my fingers, I saw Mikey try to hide her growing blush as she looked at the carpeted floor. 

“Hi, Mr. Heere,” she squeaked. 

“Again, sorry, Mikey.” He leaned against the painted door frame.

“It’s fine.” Mikey bit her lip and continued to stare at the floor. Her bangs dangled in front of her glasses, and she looked really upset about something. 

“So, I was going to order some pizza, if you two wanted anything-” 

I cut him off, standing up. “Did you get dressed today? Like, at all?”

My father looked down, a bit timidly. “Oh, they, uh, didn’t need me at the office today. I worked from home, so-”   


“Most people wear pants at home.” I squinted at the nightstand next to him. 

I didn’t want to look at him in the eyes. Was it my fault that he was acting like this? Or was it my mother’s?

“Well, that’s why most people aren’t your father!” He gave me finger guns and a cheery smile. 

Mikey laughed a little behind me, but I couldn’t find it in me to laugh. 

“Good talk. I’ll get some plain cheese for you two.” My dad snapped his fingers and left the room, closing the door gently behind him. 

“So, how’s he doing?” Shuffling noise came from behind me as Mikey spoke.

“How does it look like he’s doing?” I looked at her, trying to keep my voice from wavering.

My nose scrunched up, and my hands curled into fists. I shook my head and let some of the dark brown waves cover my face. 

“Did you hear from her?” Mikey stood up and reached out to touch my arm.

I pulled away. 

I didn’t need pity. I was pitiful enough already. No mom, and a dad that was only there physically. Not in any other way. 

“No, and who cares? It’s like, Mom moved on, why can’t he?” 

“Jer-” Mikey sounded so soft, and her eyes looked shiny. 

I couldn’t stand it. I was tired of moping around and feeling sorry for myself. I just wanted to feel cool and not like a loser. Or a geek. Or whatever. 

“I don’t want that to be my future! Rich said that his hook-up’s at the Payless, what if we just went there ourselves? Just to see if his story checks out?” 

Mikey took a deep breath in through her nose and looked up at me. A tiny bit of red hair had gotten stuck on her cheek. 

“And if it does? I mean, would you be too cool for, uh, video games?” She looked down again.

I shook my head.  “No, that’s not what I’m saying at all.” 

I put my clammy hands on her shoulders and shook her lightly. “You know that you are my favorite person, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t still dream.”

Mikey looked back up at me again. I could see the tiny mole she had above her lip, and the different shades of golden brown she had in her eyes. 

She looked cute, but she was just my friend. 

I was also totally allowed to think that my friends were cute, that didn’t mean anything. Some girls that were friends would walk around in their underwear and compliment each other, just thinking that Mikey looked attractive with her cherry red lips, black glasses, tiny mole, and puppy dog eyes was fine. Totally fine. 

“Is it- is it really true that I’m your favwite person?” 

I laughed. “Yeah, we’re never not gonna be a team.” 

I stood back and offered Mikey my pinkie finger. 

She raised an eyebrow. 

“High school is  _ shit _ -” I yelled. “-but you’ve got to help me conquer it.”

Mikey gave me the second brightest smile I had ever seen and wrapped her cold pinkie finger around mine. “It’s just what we do, gotta make it a two-player game.” 

We laughed and went to go sit back down in our bean bag chairs. Mikey unpaused the game, and we moved on from that level. 

...

After grabbing two pieces of pizza, I met her out on the street to get in the PT Cruiser. 

“You sure that you won’t get in trouble? I don’t know exactly what went on today, but you seemed pretty upset earlier.” I put the piece of pizza in Mikey’s mouth. Not before getting sauce on her face first. 

She shrugged her shoulders and set the piece on a napkin in her lap. “Nadia is the only one home for the weekend, I’m not sure when She-Demon is coming back.” 

I nodded and nibbled on my piece of pizza. 

Mikey pulled down the visor mirror and wiped the sauce off of her face. 

“Ugh, you’re lucky that I think you’re cool, or I would totally throw down.”

“You couldn’t reach.” 

Mikey slowly turned in the driver’s seat and faced me. Her warm, brown eyes didn’t look so friendly anymore. 

“Excuse me, I was taller than you for eleven years. You’re the one who had a growth spurt this summer and even then, you are only an inch and a half taller than me.” She huffed, blowing her bangs out of her eyes. 

“I think I’m up to two inches now.” 

Mikey glowered at me. “Shut up, Bean Pole.” 

“Whatever, Spicy Chicken Nugget.”

Mikey laughed while putting the car in drive. “That actually was a good one, I’ll give you that.” 

We drove off listening to the nineties grunge station and laughing at stupid inside jokes. 

Maybe this was what thriving was all about. 


	8. Mikey IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw reference to past injury
> 
> and mikey, just admit that you have the feelings, it's ok. we won't judge

“Door’s open!” Jeremy yelled from the other side. 

I opened the white door and entered the threshold. Pictures of Mr. Heere’s college days and Jeremy as a baby greeted me. 

“Hey, Jer. Where are you?” I spun on my heel as I took in the house. 

God, it had been so long. Too long. I needed to try sneaking out again, especially if Nadia was actually going to take the she-demon to the steakhouse. 

I hated steak houses. Everything was too formal and too overpriced. It was a piece of meat that was probably abused before it died, not a cut sent from whatever heavenly power those guys believed in and sprinkled in gold. 

“Just grabbing some blankets if we get cold. The AC has been kinda weird lately.” Jeremy popped his head out from the living room to my left. “Well, hello there.”

I laughed. “Hello there.”

“Wanna head upstairs?” He threw a plaid blanket at my face.

I could hear the smirk he gave me. 

“Yeah, let’s go. I’m ready to go all Walking Dead on these creatures.” I pulled the blanket off of my head and followed Jeremy up the stairs into his room.

Just as I remembered it. 

Scratchy carpeted floors, closet with wooden shutters, two brown bean bag chairs at the foot of the bed, flannel sheets falling off of the bed, a TV with a shelf full of video games, and pictures all around his window. 

Jeremy even had the ticket stubs from freshman homecoming up on the grey wall. 

“Apocalypse of the Damned!” Jeremy interrupted my walk down memory lane as he shoved the game in my face.

“Level Nine?”

“The Cafetorium!” He nodded. 

I grabbed the controller from him and got everything set up. All we had to do was try to not die this time. 

“Ok, Jer, what’s our main adjective for today?” I turned to him.

Jeremy pushed back some of his wavy hair and plopped down in his chair.  “Find the bad guy, push them aside. Move on forward, with your best friend at your side, of course.”

I shook my head at him. “It’s a two-player game, duh.”

“So, when the zombies make an attack, you know you got a guy who’s gonna have your back. Then, we stay on track, use our force, but you better not speed ahead this time.”

I patted him gently on the knee. “It would be totally lame if I left you behind. AoTD is way too fucked.” 

“At least it’s two player!” Jeremy hit the start button and the theme for the game started playing from the tiny speakers he had on either side of the flat screen. 

I cracked my knuckles and went to town on some undead ass. 

We continued playing for a while, but Jeremy started talking about non game related stuff. 

“Hey, Mikey, you know Rich Goranski, right?”

“No, Jeremy. I totally don’t know the guy that bullied you for all of sophomore year, tried to lock us both in the janitor's closet, and scribbled all over our backpacks. Never heard of him before.” I glanced over at him before blowing some hair out of my face. 

Was he ok?

“Oh, yeah. Well, he kinda cornered me in the bathroom and started telling me about this thing he got.”

God, if Jeremy hadn’t told me to let it go, (He didn’t want me to get pulled back into the bullying circle after I escaped. Well, mostly escaped.) I would have gone all Donkey Kong on that rooster looking gremlin.

I zapped a witch and looked over at Jeremy again. What was the only thing that Rich could get besides halitosis?

“Genital herpes?” I asked. 

Jeremy spazzed out for a second and let the zombies attack him. He was only at half health after that. 

“No! Jesus Christ, Mikey. God.”  At least he was laughing. 

I had missed this. A lot. 

“Anyway. He told me about this pill he took. A Squip. He said that it helped him climb up the social ladder and made him more cool. He offered to give me one for six hundred dollars on Monday, what do you think?”   


It was my turn to spazz out for a moment before pausing the game. Both of our health bars matched after my little mental timeout.

“I do think that it took some kind of drugs for people to think that he is likable, but he’s scamming you. He’s scamming you weirdly.” 

“What if he’s not? This could be huge! All I need to do is give the guy who torments me six-” Jeremy paused as a look of realization hit him. “-hundred. He’s totally scamming me.”

Jeremy hit himself in the face with his controller and flopped backwards in his chair. “I’m doomed to be a loser ‘til the end of the world. No, probably then too.”

“No way.” I grabbed both controllers and set them by the foot of the bed behind us. “Look at me.” 

I shifted into my “this is a serious talk” stance in my chair and looked at my friend.

“Dude, you are cooler than a vintage cassette. It’s just that these kids don’t see that. They don’t see the Jeremy that I get to hang out with and laugh with. But, we’re a team and sometimes, these high schoolers are the opponents.”  I then stood up and walked over to his closet. It was a wreck, but I knew that he still had them. 

Jeremy had spent too much time painting them to throw them out. And the retro space looking pattern turned out really well. He had talent, he just acted like he didn’t 

I held up the roller skate triumphantly. “We like things like out of print games, retro skates, and-” My fingers tapped against the secret tattoo was on my right shoulder. The Pac-Man to Jeremy’s Inky.”-we even forged signatures to get these lovely Pac-Man tattoos that are severely underappreciated.” 

Jeremy rolled his eyes and continued to sulk. 

“Ugh, Jeremy. Quit being emo, this isn’t seventh grade.” I plopped down next to him on the floor, shoving some hair back over my shoulder.

“Hey, you know what? Maybe I like being emo.” He looked at me with his face angsty looking, but his eyes gave it away that he wasn’t serious. 

I snorted. “I’m sorry, Jer, but you could not pull off spiky black hair.”

He laughed with me, as if he was picturing it.

My eyes started feeling heavy. I closed them and leaned against the footboard of his twin-sized bed. 

“Hey, do you know what could be dope, though? People like us are cool in college. We aren’t seen as lame or stupid. The STEM majors would grovel at our feet for knowing all about the old Nintendo systems,” I said.

Jeremy perked up, so I continued. 

“Listen, high school is hell, but we navigate it well. We just gotta look at it like it’s a two player game.” 

He sighed and let those tiny shoulders sag a little more.

“Mikey, as losers-” He paused after saying that. 

My chest got that tight, pounding feeling again. Did he think that I was a loser? I didn’t think that he was a loser. 

“- we have fought together for years.” Jeremy continued.

I nodded in response. My lips pressed against each other to keep me from interrupting.

“Both Nintendo zombies and our popular peers. Now, I’m stuck on a level, and all I want is to move on.”

I put my hand on his arm and squeezed it gently. “Just wait two years, then we can be cool in college. We won’t be lame.”

He groaned. “Dude, I know. I get it, but we're not in college.”

“Not yet.” I smiled. 

I grabbed Jeremy’s clammy hand and pulled him from the bean bag chair, having both of us stand up.

I looked at him with a very serious face. He needed to hear what I had to say. 

“Our school? Whack. But what do we have? Each other’s back. Who do we got? Just me and you. Hotel? Trivago.” 

Jeremy’s face went all red, and he started tearing up from laughing so hard. He began to curl in on himself and wobble back and forth. 

My hands gripped his shoulders tightly to keep him from falling over. We didn’t need him getting a head injury on that night. His light cardigan was very soft, but his arms felt a little more boney than I remembered. He was still eating, right? I knew about his mom, but that didn’t give him the excuse to just stop functioning completely. 

“I guess that I can play your two-player game, Mikey.” He wiped his shiny blue eyes and smiled at me.

Why was his smile so sweet and genuine?

I shrugged my shoulders and winked. “It’s just what we do, My Dear Jeremy.” 

He rolled my eyes at my Sherlock joke. There was the Jeremy that I knew. 

My hand lightly patted his shoulder again. “Would you like to continue our fight against the scum of the Earth?”

“You mean our classmates? Oh hell yeah.”

“HA!” I shoved the controller at his chest and sat back down. 

We bashed brains and slit gut suckers for a solid forty minutes before Jeremy tried to get up.

“Hello?” His dad must have been at the door. 

Jeremy set his controller down and stood up to open the door when his character started beelining for a puddle of blood.

“Jer, blood. Don’t slip!” I shoved him back down.   


He snatched up the controller and maneuvered around it. 

“Son?” His dad asked.

Jeremy didn’t get up that time.

I continued shooting at a zombie when Jeremy’s shrill shriek went off next to me.  “Dude, claws!”

I ducked and turned to stab the furry creature. 

“JEREMY?”

Mr. Heere couldn’t wait. 

“Mikey, just pause it, please?” Jeremy groaned and scrunched up his nose.

I nodded and paused the game, saving our progress. 

We were not about to start over.

“Yeah, Dad?” Jeremy said. 

I turned around to see Mr. Heere open the door, and I immediately regretted it. 

I loved Mr. Heere with all my heart, but there were some things that I just didn’t need to see. My face grew hot, and I looked down. The last time I saw a male person in their underwear was not a good day for me. 

“Ah! Dad, pants! For the love of God.” Jeremy yelled.

“Is that a girl? Jeremy, did you bring a- Oh, hi, Mikey. I forgot. I didn’t see you come inside.” Mr. Heere said.

I kept my eyes down and replied as quickly as I could. “Hi, Mr. Heere.”

“Again, sorry, Mikey.” He apologized.

“It’s fine.” I bit my lip and tried to repress the memory. 

There was even a carpeted floor like this one. He even stood in the doorway right before, just like Mr. Heere did. 

No, I couldn’t think about it. I had to spend this time with Jeremy having fun. I couldn’t start crying about something I couldn’t even fix now. 

Bones healed over and blood dried. I was fine. It was fine. This was fine. 

“So, I was going to order some pizza, if you two wanted anything-” Mr. Heere was cut off by his son standing up, almost shaking with anger. 

“Did you get dressed today? Like, at all?”

“Oh, they, uh, didn’t need me at the office today. I worked from home, so-”   


“Most people wear pants at home,” Jeremy muttered back. 

“Well, that’s why most people aren’t your father!” 

I laughed a little. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the finger guns he gave Jeremy. 

“Good talk. I’ll get some plain cheese for you two.” Mr. Heere snapped his fingers and left the room, closing the door gently behind him. 

“So, how’s he doing?” I asked, turning around to actually face Jeremy.

“How does it look like he’s doing?” 

Oh no. He was going to cry. 

He scrunched up his freckled face and curled his soft hands into fists. He was trying to keep some shaking. It wasn’t working that well.

“Did you hear from her?” I stood up and reached out to touch his arm.

He pulled away. 

I felt a little hurt, but I understood not wanting to be touched. 

“No, and who cares? It’s like, Mom moved on, why can’t he?” His voice cracked.

“Jer-”

“I don’t want that to be my future! Rich said that his hook-up’s at the Payless, what if we just went there ourselves? Just to see if his story checks out?” 

I deeply inhaled and looked up at Jeremy. 

There was so much hurt in his eyes. It was like watching thunderclouds roll in on a sunny day. He needed this, didn’t he?

But I just couldn’t help but wonder. 

“And if it does? I mean, would you be too cool for, uh, video games?” My eyes fell to my shoes. I had some drops of red on the white checkered pattern. I wondered if it was slushie or something else. 

“No, that’s not what I’m saying at all.” 

Jeremy put his hands on my shoulders and held on tight. His touch was warm and firm, but it was weird. Something felt different this time. “You know that you are my favorite person, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t still dream.”

I looked back up at him, and my breath caught in my throat. 

In the dim bedroom lighting, his eyes looked like glowing gems from a Sonic game. All of the freckles on his face reminded me of constellations on a summer’s night. A tiny curl had fallen into his eyes; it looked so soft. 

His lips looked soft too.

Whoa. That crossed a line. Jeremy would never think like that about me. He also was head over heels for Chrissy.

I was Jeremy’s best friend, and that was all I would ever be. Yet, the fact that I was his favorite person made my chest feel tight. It felt tight in a different way. I didn’t hate it. 

“Is it- is it really true that I’m your favwite person?” I asked.

He laughed. “Yeah, we’re never not gonna be a team.” 

Jeremy broke away and extended a slim pinkie out towards me. 

What was this boy going to do now?

“High school is  _ shit _ -” He yelled. “-and you’ve got to help me conquer it.”

My face hurt from how hard I was smiling. 

I wrapped my pinkie around his. “It’s just what we do, gotta make it a two-player game.” 

We laughed and went to go sit back down in our bean bag chairs. I unpaused the game, and we moved on from that level. 

God, I had really missed this.


	9. Jeremy V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> imagine if they did run out of shoes tho

“Hey, I think the Payless is over here.” I nudged Mikey in the shoulder.

She was staring at her phone screen intently, texting someone. 

“Mikey, you good?”

“What?” She looked up and shoved the phone in her back pocket. “Oh, yeah. Let’s go.” 

Mikey and I walked into the store, the smell of rubber and plastic filled the air. Over near the back, there was a scary looking stockboy. 

His sideburns were cut like Wolverine, and his scowl could have matched with Hugh Jackman’s. 

I stopped in my tracks, converse skidding across the shiny floor. I couldn’t do it. 

“Mikey, how about we just turn back? I mean, he’s ignoring us so why even bother?” A high pitched laugh escaped from me as I tried to duck behind a wall of shoes. 

Mikey grabbed my wrist and looked me in the eyes. “Jer, come on.”

She pulled me over to the back and pushed me forward a bit. 

It was do it then and there, or do it never. 

With a gulp, I stepped forward. “I, uh, like your sideburns. Wolverine, right?” 

The stock boy glanced at me from the side. His muscles threatened to pop out of his tight employee’s shirt. 

“Let’s see the money.” He gestured for me to hand it over.

“Wha-what?” I blinked a few times. 

The employee sighed and glared at me. “It’s a grey, oblong pill that you’re looking for, right? It’s from Japan, and it tells you what to do.”

How did he?

Just as if he read my mind, he answered the question. 

“Oh, just look at you, Kid. So, do you have four hundred?”

I furrowed my brows and tilted my head. “Four?”

“Yeah, is that a problem?”

“Oh, no! No, Sir! There’s just a guy at my school who’s charging-” 

Next to the running shoes, Mikey coughed really loudly while making eye contact with me. 

“I mean, wow. Four hundred. If you insist, I guess.” I blew some air out and handed over the money. 

The scary stock boy looked over his shoulder and then pulled a box out from behind him. Ladies’ running shoes. 

“Shoes?” I asked.

He opened the box and plucked out a small grey pill. The employee pressed it into my palm and shoved the box back behind him. 

“Just so we're clear-” His voice low and gravely. “-this is untested technology. And it's not exactly legal. Which is why you're paying for it with cash in the back of a shoe store. I take no responsibility for what you might do with it. Or what it might do with you.”

What?

“What it might-” The stock boy cut me off.

“To activate it, take it with Mountain Dew-” He stopped when he saw my confusion.    
Don’t know why. It’s just something about Mountain Dew that-” 

This time, he was cut off by Jenna Rolan walking into the store. 

“I’m sold out!” He barked. 

Jenna stopped in the middle of the entrance, her box braids swinging behind her. “Of shoes?” 

The stock boy made an “o” shape with his mouth.

“Oh, you’re here for shoes. My bad-” He then turned to me and yelled, “Scram!” 

“Wait-” I squeaked. “-You were saying something important.”   


“All sales are final.”

The stock boy jogged over to Jenna and started talking about a new shipment of pumps they got yesterday. 

“Jeremy, you ok?” Mikey crept up from behind me and waved her hand in front of my face. 

“Yeah, let’s just- Let’s just go.” 

She nodded and led us to the food court. 

I just hoped that I didn’t get ripped off.


	10. Mikey V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do pepsi, not drugs

I scrolled through a text thread as Jeremy and I walked through the mall. My soda dealer had another case for me. 

_ Link To The Past: Yo Mikey, I got that clear stuff. _

_ Me: Oh? _

_ Link To The Past: Ye, I found some clear Pepsi for you. _

_ Link To The Past: It got discontinued in the 90’s. _

_ Me: Oh hell yeah. _

_ Me: You’re the best, how much? _

_ Link To The Past: I dunno. _

_ Link To The Past: Meet me at Spencer’s and we’ll see how generous I’m feeling. _

“Mikey, you good?” I was snapped out of my soda filled daze by Jeremy’s concerned tone.

I shoved the phone in my pocket and looked at him. “What? Oh, yeah. Let’s go.”   


We walked into the store, the smell of rubber and plastic filled the air. Over near the back, there was a scary looking stockboy. 

He looked like a low budget X-men.

In front of me, Jeremy stopped. He turned around and there was red spreading all over his face.

“Mikey, how about we just turn back? I mean, he’s ignoring us so why even bother?” He said while gesturing around with his hands. 

Jeremy tried ducking into a different aisle to escape, but he had come too far now. He might as well have tried to see if Rich was full of it or not.

I grabbed his small wrist and pulled him towards the minimum wage worker. “Jer, come on.”

He tried escaping one last time before we got up to the guy, but I just pushed him forward.

Jeremy could hate me later. 

My cardigan clad friend took a shaky step forward. “I, uh, like your sideburns. Wolverine, right?” 

“Let’s see the money.” The man said.

“Wha-what?” 

The employee sighed. “It’s a grey, oblong pill that you’re looking for, right? It’s from Japan, and it tells you what to do.”

For my spot next to the Adidas running shoes, I squinted at the worker. How did he know?

Just as if he read my mind, he answered the question. 

“Oh, just look at you, Kid. So, do you have four hundred?” He said to Jeremy.

Dickhead. Jeremy didn’t need a supercomputer pill thing, he just wanted it. 

“Four?” Jeremy squeaked. 

“Yeah, is that a problem?”

“Oh, no! No, Sir! There’s just a guy at my school who’s charging-” 

Oh God. He was going to end up making himself pay more for this thing. 

I coughed as annoying and loudly as humanly possible. My throat started hurting in protest.

Jeremy looked over at me, pure confusion was the only word I could use to describe how he was looking. 

Suddenly, it dawned on him, and he edited his story after that. 

“I mean, wow. Four hundred. If you insist, I guess.” He handed over the money. 

The scary stock boy looked over his shoulder and then pulled a box out from behind him. 

“Shoes?” Jeremy asked.

He opened the box and plucked out a small grey pill. The employee pressed it into my friend's palm and shoved the box back behind him. 

“Just so we're clear-” His voice low and gravely. “-this is untested technology. And it's not exactly legal. Which is why you're paying for it with cash in the back of a shoe store. I take no responsibility for what you might do with it. Or what it might do with you.”

“What it might-” 

The stock boy cut Jeremy off. “To activate it, take it with Mountain Dew. Don’t know why. It’s just something about Mountain Dew that-” 

Jenna Roland walked into the store and caught the man’s attention.

“I’m sold out!” He barked. 

Jenna stopped in the middle of the entrance, her box braids swinging behind her. “Of shoes?” 

The stock boy made an “o” shape with his mouth.

“Oh, you’re here for shoes. My bad-” He then turned to Jeremy and yelled, “Scram!” 

“Wait! You were saying something important?”   


“All sales are final.”

The stock boy jogged over to Jenna and started talking about a new shipment of pumps they got yesterday. 

“Jeremy, you ok?” I carefully walked over to my friend and waved a hand in front of his face warily. 

“Yeah, let’s just- Let’s just go.” 

I nodded and led us to the food court, ignoring the buzzing in my back pocket.


	11. Jeremy VI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its squip time

“I hope you’re worth four hundred dollars,” I said quietly to the small pill in my hand. 

Mikey tapped the table in front of me, right next to the small container of chili fries that she bought as a celebratory snack. “Four hundred and one. Don’t forget the Mountain Dew.”

I sighed. 

“If this is real, my whole life would change-” I held out the pill to her. “We should split it. You helped me get it. We should both benefit, right?”

Mikey just shook her head, popping a chili fry in her mouth. “I don’t think it works that way.” 

She checked her phone and then set it down on the table. “Besides, I like knowing that when you’re ‘cool’ you’ll owe me.” 

I smiled and unscrewed the cap off of the green soda.  “Alright, here goes everything.” 

I popped the pill in my mouth and took a swing of Mountain Dew. 

“So-” Mikey asked. “-How does it taste?”

“Hmm. Minty.” 

She leaned forward. “How do you feel?”

I stayed quiet for a moment before answering. 

“Like a chump.” My body slid down in my chair.

“Nothing, at all?” 

She sat back in her chair and rubbed her temples like she was trying to think of something. “Try to say something cool?”

“I think I just blew all my bar mitzvah money on a wintergreen Tic Tac.” 

Mikey inhaled sharply. “Yeah, not cool.” 

“Please leave me alone to mourn in my chili fries, forever?”

“Nah-” She shoved her phone back in her pocket. “-I’ll give you five minutes.” 

“Where are you going?” 

Mikey pulled her phone back out and showed me a conversation she had going with a person called “Link To The Past”?

“Check it out. A guy in Spencer’s Gifts is hooking me up with a case of Crystal Pepsi. It’s like regular Pepsi, but clear!” She smiled and bounced on the balls of her feet. 

“But it was discontinued in the nineties?” I asked when I got to that part of the thread. 

“Yeah, Jer. That’s what makes it so awesome!” 

Mikey left with a pep in her step while I sat all by my lonesome in the middle of the food court. 

A perfect ending to the sad story of Jeremy Heere, duped into trusting that everything works out in the end, once again. 

I was never the type to be lucky.

With a heavy sigh, I let my forehead rest against the table. Probably a bad decision considering that this was a food court, but it was just as thought out as all of my other choices in life. 

A familiar voice pulled me out of my thoughts. 

“Shouldn’t we wait for the rest of the cast?” Chrissy asked Jake. 

“Yeah, well we aren’t meeting the rest of the cast. I figured that we could get to know each other. Alone.” 

I looked up to see Jake grabbing Chrissy’s hand and leading them to a store down the strip. 

“That’s why I’m taking you to one of my favorite spots in the world, Sbarro-”

I didn’t know why I got the wave of courage and confidence that I did, but it happened. Interrupting Jake, I ran up to the two of them to talk to Chrissy. 

“Chrissy!” I waved, already short of breath.

“Jeremy-” Their eyes crinkled up when they smiled. “- I didn’t see you there.” 

Chrissy slipped their hand out of Jake’s and stepped towards me. 

“Yeah, you’re kinda hard to notice,” Jake said. 

He turned to Chrissy and tried to grab their hand again, but they shrugged him off. “The best part, they let you pick whatever you want-”

“Wait! There’s something I need to tell you!” I looked at Chrissy, hands already shaking.

“ _ Now _ ?” Jake growled at me.

Oh my God. What was I doing? I ran up to two people, clearly in the middle of something, and was about to confess my feelings like the main character of a musical? 

Maybe something was in that pill. Something really stupid that was only going to mess up my life even more. 

“I, uh. Well-” I stopped when something switched in my head.

A bolt of electricity flashed in my brain, seemingly connecting all of the neurons together in one big chain of pain. 

I clutched my head, trying to keep from falling over. “GAH.”

“ _ Target female: inaccessible. _ ” An electronic yet female sounding voice chimed all around me. 

“Jeremy?” Chrissy was kneeling down next to me, trying to calm me down. 

“What the HELL?” The pain spiked up again, all I could see was white and blue.

“ _ Calibration in process. Please excuse some mild discomfort.” _

“MILD?” I replied to the voice. 

“Jeremy, what’s wrong?” Chrissy sounded more desperate now.

Behind us, Jake started pointing and talking to the small crowd that had gathered around me. “Dude, the freak’s freaking out!”

“ _ Calibration complete. Access procedure initiated. _ ”

The pain started pulling away from me like a curtain being drawn. I placed a shaking and sweaty hand on the mall floor and looked up at Chrissy, their face full of panic. 

“I’m fine, I just-” 

“ _ Discomfort level may increase. _ ” 

The next wave was even worse. 

I fell flat on my back as the buzzing, electric pain filled every capillary in my body. 

I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t see. I couldn’t speak.

All I could do was scream and hope that it would stop. One way or another. 

My body started twitching and moving me around. Blurs of color sped by before I collapsed against a wall in between a Macy’s and a Ben’s Pretzels. 

“ _ Accessing: neural memory. Accessing: muscle memory. Access procedure: complete. Jeremy Heere-”  _

I opened my eyes slowing to see some sort of hologram or specter looking thing standing before me. 

It had long hair that ended bluntly just above the elbows and wispy bangs parted to the side. Sharp, digitized eyes stared back at me as it put it’s blue hands in the front pockets of it’s unzipped bomber jacket.

A plain crop top and high waisted cuffed jeans adorned the figure as well as slide on vans. 

It looked like one of those high school girls that all of the guys want to get with in the movies. It looked cool.

“ _ Welcome to your Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor. Your Squip.” the electronic and female-like voice said.  _

“You look familiar,” I said.

I pushed myself up off of the floor and braced myself against the wall. I wasn’t even sure how I got here. 

“ _ We take the form of someone you trust or admire. I can change to one of the default choices, if you would like. You can set me for: Keanu Reeves-”  _

The Squip flashed to how Keanu looked in the Matrix. 

“ _ Sean Connery-”  _ It changed again to an old man that looked like someone I saw in a movie once. 

“ _ Jack Nicholson-”  _ Then it became the Joker guy without any makeup on.

“ _ Or, I can be a sexy anime female. _ ” The Squip transformed into an anime character with long blue hair and bangs I thought I saw on a cereal box one time. 

“No, the first person was fine, but who was it. Or, uh. Who are you?” I tiled my head.

The Squip reverted back to the cool high school girl from before. It’s eyes flashed to a source code screen, just like Rich Goranski’s had, and then looked at me again. 

“ _ I am not sure who I look like to you. Some information lags before it can reach my processor in the beginning. Please be patient as I wait for the answer to come to the forefront. _ ” 

“O-ok.” I pushed back some hair out of my eyes. It really was just clumpy curls now. 

The Squip’s eyes flashed to the source screen again before it crossed its arms. 

_ “The answer is not important. Now, let us continue.” _

“Can everyone see you?” I asked. 

“ _ No. I only exist inside of your mind. All they see is you, having an animated conversation with yourself. So knock it off. Just think to me. Telepathically.” _

“Oh, so like X-Men?”

_ “Sure, we can go with that. _ ” The Squip cocked it’s head to the side, long hair moving like a flowy curtain. “ _ I can tell that this is going to be difficult. You want to be more chill.” _

“Uh, you mean cool, right?”

“ _ No. You see, human social activity is governed by rules and I have the processing capacity to understand those rules. And pass them on to you.”  _

The Squip stepped closer and got up close to my face. I could see different shades of teal, blue, and green making up its eyes. 

_ “Get your hands out of your pockets. Arch your back and puff out your chest. Fix your gate, you look like a masturbator.” _

I moved my hands to my sides and stood upright. “But, I am a masturbator.”

“ _ We’ll fix that. All of this-” It gestured to all of me. “- is not working. It’s ugly and weird. Too nerdy.” _

I frowned. “Well, I thought I was more of a geek-”

_ “I don’t care.”  _ The Squip rolled its eyes and glared at me “ _ All of these stupid ticks and fidgeting are way too persistent. Your charismatics are non-existent. We need to fix your vibe, and then some more. _ ” 

My hands started getting shaky and trembly again, so I attempted to shove them in my jean pockets. 

_ “Hey!” _

“What?”

_ “No.” _

“But-”

_ “No.” _

“Gah!”

_ “Stop. Everything about you is just, terrible. It makes me want to die, and I’m not even really alive in the first place.” _

“Jesus Christ.” I slid my fingers through my hair. 

Even this computer thought I was just awful, and we hadn’t even known each other for fifteen minutes yet. 

“ _ But don’t freak out, and certainly don’t resist. If you let me assist, you will be more chill.”  _

The Squip gestured for me to move away to the wall and into the Macy’s next door. I hunched a little as it waved to me.

That was when I first got shocked. The pain radiated all down my back and on the underside of my thighs. 

“What the hell was that?” I whipped around, pointing a finger at something that no one else could see. 

_ “Remember. Telepathically. I stimulated your spine because you were slouching.” _

I scrunched up my nose. “So wait, did you shock me?”

_ “Why, yes, Jeremy. I did. Now, first things first, go buy a new shirt.” _

“What’s wrong with my shirt?” I fumbled with the striped hem. Mikey had helped me pick it out for the first day of school. 

_ “Just listen to me. My job is to make you look less terrible and seem less pathetic. Just go fetch. Don’t ask me why. _ ” 

I sighed and walked into the store. There was a pop culture section near the Halloween costumes. Wasn't it a little too early for that?

_ “Pick that one _ .” The Squip’s blue finger hovered over a black shirt with a rapper on it. 

“It has Eminem on it,” I said as I held it up.

_ “If you’re so astute, why do you need me here?” _

“Do people even listen to Eminem anymore?” 

_ “That’s irrelevant. My quantum structure enables me to envision possible futures. I envision a future in which you wear an Eminem shirt and things turn out well.”  _

My face started growing hot again. I probably looked like an anxious tomato. “What if someone quizzes me about his music?”

_ “My database is infinite and instantaneous.” _

A thought dawned on me. Maybe the Squip could help me with things that I actually knew about. Not stupid social rules that I wasn’t privy too.

“How are you with math homework?”

The Squip glared at me from in between strands of its fluffy bangs.  _ “I’m a supercomputer, Jeremy. I’m made of math.” _

The Squip groaned and smacked its face.  _ “This is going to be very difficult. Everything about you is so terrible.” _

All of a sudden, other, smaller voices started bouncing around in my head. 

_ Everything about you sucks. Everything about you sucks.  _ They chanted over and over. 

My hands started shaking even harder. What was going on? 

_ “Jeremy, everything about you has made me want to die. Everyone here thinks that you are a slob, and oh boy can I see why.”  _ The Squip continued, hissing in my face.

_ Terrible. Slob. Disgusting. You Suck. Everything about you sucks.  _ The voices were just getting louder and louder. 

The shirt fell from my grasp because my hands were shaking so hard. I left it there on the ground and walked to a new section of the store. Movement was good, right? 

Right? I had to be able to at least do something right.

_ “Ok, now Jeremy- _ ” The Squip flashed in front of me, making me flinch. 

The flinch earned me another shock. 

_ “-You try picking a shirt. _ ”

I nodded and walked over to the first rack of shirts I saw. There was a medium sized one that had a pretty, Hawaiian flower on the pocket of it. The colors all looked nice together. This was a great shirt. People at my school totally would have worn that kind of shirt. 

As soon as the shirt was in my hands, the Squips voice rang in my ear.  _ “That’s a girl’s shirt. Put it back. _ ” 

Muttering a string of curse words, I moved to put the shirt back. Before I could, Chloe Valentine and Brookes Lohst saw me. 

A jolt of electricity ran through my nerves. 

_ “Posture. _ ” The Squip said. 

“Jerry?” Chole said, squinting at me in the fluorescent store lighting. 

“Uh, well it’s Jeremy-” Another shock.

_ “Don’t use filler words. _ ”

“You shop here?” Chloe asked. She tucked some of her long hair behind her ear. I didn’t know how she managed to not cut up her face with those pointy, pink nails. 

“I shop here all th-”

_ “Never!”  _ The Squip yelled. 

“Never! Is what I meant to say.” I smiled at Chloe and Brookes sheepishly.

The Squip’s eyes flashed again before directing me on what to do.  _ “Greet the beta. You’re queer.” _

“Wh- Oh hey, Brookes!” 

_ “Say, ‘You look sexy’, to him.” _

“I can’t say that to a hot guy,” I muttered under my breath. 

_ “Don’t smile. Stare intensely. Speak like you don’t care about your own death. _ ” 

“Looking pretty sexy, Brookes,” I said with a nod. 

Brookes, looking shocked and flattered, glanced at Chloe before replying. “Thanks.” 

His smile was cute.

“Is that a girl’s shirt?” Chloe pointed at the shirt I was holding aggressively. Her flowy, white sleeves moving with her. 

“No,” I said with a smile.

_ “Yes,”  _ The Squip whispered.  _ “Repeat after me. _ ”

I nodded.

_ “I saw it in the window and I couldn’t dismiss.” _

“I saw it in the window and I couldn’t dismiss,” I repeated.

_ “I was dating a girl, and she wore a shirt just like this.” _

“I was dating a girl, and she wore a shirt just like this.” I held up the shirt to Brookes and Chloe in emphasis.

_ “It’s still painful.” _

“It’s still painful.”

Chloe rolled her eyes and tapped her sandals on the floor impatiently. “So, who is this mystery girl?”

I rubbed the back of my head. “You probably haven’t heard of-”

_ “Madeline!” _

“Madeline! She’s French?” 

Chloe turned to Brookes with rage in her overlined eyes. “Oh, she is not French. She totally just pretends to be for attention, right Brookes?”

Brookes nodded, his blond hair shaking with his head. He stopped and looked at me, putting his phone back in his distressed jean pocket. “So, Madeline broke up with you?” 

He looked me up and down like I was prey. 

“Yeah,” I sighed.

_ “No!”  _ The Squip smacked its forehead next to me.

“I mean, I-”

_ “I broke up with her-” _

“I broke up with her.”

_ “Because she was cheating on me-” _

“Because she was cheating on ME.” My voice cracked on the last part of the sentence. 

Chloe and Brookes looked at me for a second. The Squip took this as an opportunity to tell me to “be more chill” once again. 

Chloe turned to Brookes and slapped him lightly against his jean jacket. “What did I tell you? She is such a slut.” 

Brookes looked at me apologetically. “You are so much better off without her, Jeremy.” He looked down at my shoes. “Do you listen to Troye Sivan or stuff like that?” 

“I, uh, yeah. Sometimes. I'm more of a Sweater Weather kind of guy, if you get what I’m saying.” I gestured with my hands. 

Anything but shoving them in their pockets had to be better, right?

Wrong. Another shock hit me. 

_ “Too animated. You don’t have to talk with your hands when you have a perfectly capable mouth and ears.”  _

“Oh my God. Brookes, you are so right. Jeremy is totally better off without her-” Chloe pulled her friend back and rambled on about something. 

Brookes nodded along, readjusting his grip on his Starbucks cup as Chloe ranted. 

“What just happened?” I shakily whispered under my breath. 

_ “A shared negative opinion is the fastest social bond. You want someone to like you, hate who they hate.”  _ The Squip put its hand on my shoulder and pointed for me to look up at the popular kids again. 

“Ugh. Let’s get out of here. This store blows.” Chloe readjusted the strap for her black purse. 

_ “Brookes is going to offer you a ride, it is imperative that you say ‘yes’, Jeremy.”  _

Brookes took a step closer to me, I could actually read some of the tiny text on his shirt now. “LOVE KILLS” was written over and over again, filling up the black space in a white paragraph. 

“So, do you wanna ride?” He looked at me with a sly smile on his face. 

_ “Yes!” _ The Squip clapped its blue hands together and gestured for me to walk with the popular kids. 

“Yes-” I was excited until I realized it had been way more than five minutes. Mikey was probably in the food court, freaking out and trying to figure out how to explain to my dad that she lost the bean pole at the mall. “- but I’m supposed to meet my friend, Mikey.” I let out a small laugh.

Brookes’ face twisted a bit when I mentioned Mikey. Did he know her?

_ “Jeremy, if this is going to work, you are going to have to obey.”  _ Even though it wasn’t really real, I could still hear the synthetic fibers of its bomber jacket as it crossed its arms and glared at me. 

“Jeremy, are you sure you don’t want a ride? We could go pretty far. All you have to do is get inside my mother’s car.” Brookes pulled some keys out of the pocket of his jean jacket. 

He stepped forward, Chloe looking like she was about to burst out in laughter. 

Brookes looked down at the floor for a second before he looked back up at me. “Don’t say no, Jerry. Can’t you be coerced?”

Chloe rolled her eyes behind him and shook her head. The Squip kept on motioning for me to leave with Brookes. Even taking off the bomber jacket and waving it like a flag. 

Brookes was inches away from my face now. I could see where he used to have a nose piercing on the left side of his face. “We’ll be home in a snatch, but there’s only catch-” He leaned in and whispered into my ear. His smooth, deep voice made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. “-we gotta stop for frozen yogurt first.” 

Brookes pulled away and winked at me. My face felt like it was on fire. 

Chloe stepped forward and forward and put her hand on Brooke’s sturdy shoulder. “Come on, Jerry. Don’t you wanna ride and go far. Just get inside his mother’s car. We’ll be home in a snatch-”

She was cut off by Brookes smirking at me and saying, “Only one catch, we gotta stop for frozen yogurt first. Pinkberry,”

The heat in my face was unbearable. I had to leave before I made a fool of myself in a Macy’s store. 

“I- uh, next time! Next time, I promise.” I gave the two a sheepish grin.

Chloe groaned, “Whatever.” and started to leave. 

Brookes stayed back, giving me a sympathetic look. “My boyfriend cheated on me too. Well, ex-boyfriend. I get how you feel-”

“Come on, Brookes!” Chloe shouted from the doors. 

Brookes shook his head and said goodbye. 

I waved back, getting a shock from the Squip. “What was that for?” 

_ “First off, you didn’t listen to me, and second, stuttering.” _

I shook my head. “Whatever, I got to find Mikey. She’s gonna think that this was awesome.” 

The Squip pulled some long hair behind its ear.  _ “Mikey? She left the mall.” _

That didn’t make any sense. Mikey always texted me if she had to leave, and she wouldn’t have left me at the mall knowing that I didn’t have a way to get home. Well, she at least would have said something, right? My phone hadn’t buzzed this entire time.

No, the Squip had to be wrong. 

“How can you even know that?” I let my hands fall to my sides and started walking out of the Macy’s to the food court. 

The Squip shocked me.

_ “I can access the mall’s security cameras. When I was syncing up earlier, I also may have jammed your phone. Text messages and calls might show up later, or they won’t, to answer your questions.”  _

I eyed the Squip warily. “Weird. But how am I going to get home?”

_ “I told you accepting a ride was imperative. If this is going to work, you can’t just listen. You have to obey.” _

“Well, what should I do now? Can I even call her?” 

The Squip shook its head. 

“Why can’t anything work out? Why does everything have to suck for me?” I made a strangling motion towards the Squip's delicate, holographic neck. 

Then people started looking at me weirdly. 

I was just a freak. 

“I’m just going to walk home. It’s like, six miles or whatever,” I sighed. 

My body seemed to go into autopilot after that. I weaved through people and slipped out through the front doors. At least there were sidewalks through the neighborhoods once I got out of the shopping area. 

Cars sped past me and the wind cut through the thin material of my cardigan. Wrapping it around me didn’t help very much. 

Finally, I reached the front steps of my house and just collapsed on the concrete slabs. I wanted to cry. All I wanted was to just curl up into a little ball and cry until I looked like a shriveled raisin, but nothing came out. 

I just stayed on my front porch until I heard someone open the front door. 

“Jeremy? What are you doing out here? Where’s Mikey?” Dad.

I shot up and walked over to him. “Oh, I was just feeling a little too warm, so I thought laying on the cold ground would help.”

Then, I moved to walk in past him, but he didn’t budge. “Ok, that’s weird, but where’s Mikey?” 

My eyes fell to the ground as I tried to think of a lie. What could I say?

_ “Say that she got a call from her mother and had to leave. That she dropped you off a while ago.” _

I looked back up at my dad. “She got a call from Amelia and Nadia saying that she had to go home for something. She dropped me off a little while ago.”

My dad sighed, rubbed his head. “Oh, well I hope that everything is alright. I worry about her sometimes.”

I pressed my lips together. Hard. I cared about Mikey too, a lot, but I was his son. Mikey wasn’t his daughter. 

“Yeah, I think everything is-” A flash of white underwear popped up in the corner of my eye. “-are you still not wearing any pants?”

He sighed and went back inside, leaving the front door wide open. 

_ “Jeremy, let’s go upstairs.” _

I nodded, leading the Squip upstairs after closing the door. 

A blast of cool air hit my face as soon as I opened the door. My roller skates were still placed in front of my closet. 

I flopped down on my bed and rolled over to see a framed picture I had on my nightstand. A small smile crept up onto my face.

It was the first photo my dad had taken of Mikey and me together. It was my sixth birthday party, and she was the only one that I invited, despite my mother’s protests. 

Blue cake frosting was on my nose, and a yellow party hat was stuck to the top of my frizzy head. The strings of it made my ears poke out. Mikey had her tiny arms wrapped around me as tightly as she could manage. 

I frowned. 

I didn’t remember her having all of those bruises at the party. The ones up her arms and peeking out from the neck of her pink t-shirt dress. The small cut above her eyebrow, just barely visible from behind her wispy bangs.

Why didn’t I remember that?

_ “Jeremy, look at me.” _

I groaned and rolled over to look at the Squip. “What do you want?”

The Squip sat down on the bed, bangs falling over its eyes.  _ “You’ve been starting to obey, but it's not enough. You need to do more. I need complete and utter submission.” _

The Squip stood up and walked around to my side of the bed. It knelt down and got in my face, long hair spilling over its shoulders. 

Why did it look so familiar?

_ “Repeat after me-” _

I nodded. 

_ “Everything about you is so terrible.” _

My breath hitched in my throat. 

The Squip was right, I was terrible. 

I messed up everything with Chrissy. I made a fool of myself often. I couldn’t do anything for myself without screwing it up. I couldn’t follow directions. I couldn’t get a ride from Brookes. I couldn’t talk to my dad without getting frustrated. I couldn’t even be bothered to pay close enough attention to know if my best friend was hurt or not. 

“Everything about me is just terrible.”

The Squip smiled and set a blue hand down on the bed.  _ “Good. Everything about you makes me want to die” _

“Everything about me makes me want to die.” 

A tight feeling started gripping my chest, and my eyes started watering. I brought a shaky hand up to my mouth to stop myself from being too loud. Everything hurt and seemed to be falling down around me. 

Why was everything so awful?

_ “Now you’ve got it.”  _ The Squip put its hand on my knee and looked at me. 

Despite being a computer, there was kindness in its flickering eyes. Why was there kindness?

_ “But, Jeremy, soon you’ll see that if you listen to me, everything about you is going to be wonderful.  _

I slowly brought my hand down, waiting for tears to come down with it. 

The tears never came. 

_ We love everything about you.  _ Those little voices came back, softer and more gentle.

_ “Everything about you is going to be so alive and vibrant!” _

_ We could never live without you. _

The Squip took both of my hands and held on tight. A bright smile flashed at me. 

_ “You won’t feel left out or unsure. You won’t be ugly anymore. Everything about you is going to be cool, and powerful. You’ll be popular and incredible. And you will-”  _ The Squip pulled both of us up, hands still tightly wrapped around mine.  _ “-Be more chill.” _

I let out a shaky sigh. Was this real? “Be more chill?”

_ “Be more chill.” _

All of the tightness left my body, and a wave of exhaustion hit me. 

_ “Let’s get you to bed. We have a lot to do, and you should rest up.” _ The Squip led me back to my bed, under the messy flannel covers and the crumpled white sheets. 

“I’m gonna do it, Imma be super chill,” I mumbled. 

The Squip smoothed out some of the clumpy, curly hair on my forehead.  _ “Sure you are, Kiddo. Sleep tight.” _

A calming darkness settled over the room as I began to drift off to sleep.


	12. Mikey VI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw reference to sexual assault and an ouchie

I bounced my leg up and down as my phone kept on buzzing. There were more important things than soda to attend to at that moment.

“I hope you’re worth four hundred dollars,” Jeremy said to the grey pill in his hand. 

I tapped the table with my finger. “Four hundred and one. Don’t forget the Mountain Dew.”

“If this is real, my whole life would change-” He held out the pill to me. “We should split it. You helped me get it. We should both benefit, right?”

“I don’t think it works that way,” I said while putting a chili fry in my mouth.

The buzzing got more intense. I checked my phone to see five missed calls from the dealer. 

Yikes. 

I switched it to silent mode and put it face down on the table. 

“Besides-” I smiled at Jeremy. “-I like knowing that when you’re ‘cool’ you’ll owe me.” 

“Alright, here goes everything.” He unscrewed the cap off the bottle and took a swig with the pill in his mouth.

“So-” I asked. “-How does it taste?”

“Hmm. Minty.” 

I leaned forward. “How do you feel?”

Jeremy scrunched up his nose. “Like a chump.” 

He melted into his chair like The Wicked Witch of The West did after water was thrown at her.

“Nothing, at all?” I rubbed my temples. Something had to have happened. Maybe he just needed to try to do something. “Try to say something cool?”

“I think I just blew all my bar mitzvah money on a wintergreen Tic Tac.” 

I inhaled sharply. “Yeah, not cool.” 

“Please leave me alone to mourn in my chili fries, forever?”

“Nah-” I stood up and put my phone in my pocket. “-I’ll give you five minutes.” 

“Where are you going?” 

I whipped my phone back out and unlocked it. Jeremy already knew that I was addicted to getting old sodas, so it wasn’t that weird showing him the text thread.

“Check it out. A guy in Spencer’s Gifts is hooking me up with a case of Crystal Pepsi. It’s like regular Pepsi, but clear!”

“But it was discontinued in the nineties?” He squinted at the screen and tilted his head. 

“Yeah, Jer. That’s what makes it so awesome!” 

Jeremy just shook his head and waved me off with a small smile. I decided that I’d let him have some when I got back. 

My dealer was standing near the handcuffs in the back when I got there. “Mikey! You didn’t reply to anything or answer. I thought that you weren’t going to show up.”

I rolled my eyes and readjusted the headphones that were around my neck. “I was busy with something. Now, do you have the stuff?”

She readjusted her strap back and leaned against the wall. “Well, that depends. You gonna give me that thing you promised me?”

I shook my head. 

“Grace, you asked for me to go out on a date with you last time. My answer is still the same.”   


She let her head fall back and hit the metal wall. 

“Ugh. I knew you were straight. And after all I’ve done for you.” Grace looked over and winked at me.

“Now, I didn’t say that I was straight-” Her head popped up. 

“Oh?”

“I’m just not looking to date my soda dealer.” 

“Come on-” She walked over and slung her arm over me. “-Just think of all the discounts you’d get from dating me.” 

I shook my head and gently brushed her arm off. “Sorry, I think I can afford to buy these myself.”

Grace sighed and put her hands in her sweatpant pockets. “If you insist.” 

She walked over to behind a rack of lingerie and pulled out a six-pack of Clear Pepsi. 

“Oh my God, you actually have it!” I pulled my wallet out of my back pocket. 

“Please, you’ve been working with me for a year now. What do you take me for?” 

Grace rested the bottles against her hip and cocked her head to the side. “Now, I do have a special for you, if you’ll let me talk you into it.” 

I opened the side of my wallet and looked at her with an eyebrow raised.

“I also have some Mountain Dew Red. You buy two liters of that, and I’ll give you these for what they cost when they were on the shelves.”

The wallet slid back into my pocket. “Now why would I want to buy two liters of something if I don’t even know what it tastes like?”

“Well, you buy one to drink here to have with me, and the other to nurse at home while you miss me.” 

“I think that I’ll be ok. How much for just the Pepsi?” 

She shrugged her shoulders. “Thirty dollars, but it’s your loss. I am a delight.”

I pulled my wallet back out and handed Grace a twenty and two tens. “And I thought you had a girlfriend?”

Grace held out the soda’s to me and shoved the cash in her army jacket’s pocket. “Emphasis on the ‘had.’ We broke up a while ago because she’s moving.” 

Grace leaned back up against the metal wall and stared at the ground. 

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

She shrugged. “It’s whatever. I just miss her, a lot. God. Adanna was perfect. The way her curly hair would bounce as she walked and how pretty her laugh was.”

Grace’s eyes looked a little watery. 

“Adanna?” I asked.

“Yeah, she knew you. She used to work at Seven-Eleven. We actually used to laugh over the fact that we both knew you. To me, you were the kid that walked into the mall with confidence and easy as you waited by the sex toy section of the store. To her, you were the kid that was nice but dumb enough to get the gas station sushi. She felt like it was her sworn duty to protect someone with such faith in a gas station from the horrors of food poisoning.”

Grace and I both smiled. 

“Wow, I had no idea that she had a girlfriend.”

“How did you not know? She had a ‘girl in red’ pin on her work uniform?”

I thought for a second and realized that she did have a pin on her shirt, but that I was always too nervous to ask about it. 

“Yeah, anyway. It was a four year relationship, so I’m just looking for something else so I can’t dwell on her leaving.” 

“Oh, so I’m your rebound?”

Grace smiled. “Yes, I just want to kiss someone who hasn’t seen me cry.” 

I shook my head. “Well, then by your own rules, you don’t wanna date me.”

She groaned and grabbed a spare dildo to point at me with. “That was just because you wanted to buy stuff from me right after I saw ‘Five Feet Apart’!”

I laughed as a buzz went off in my pocket. 

_ Chrissy From Ninth Grade Math: Hey, you’re friends with Jeremy Heere, right? _

_ Chrissy From Ninth Grade Math: I think he is sick or something. He kinda ran off crying. and really pale, just thought you should know bc idk what’s up with him. _

_ Chrissy From Ninth Grade Math: Have a good night! :) _

What? Did something happen to Jeremy?

I searched through my contact lists until I got to the bottom. “Player Two <3.”

My finger pressed the call button as fast as I could, the phone felt cold pressed up against my face.

“Player Two with a heart? Oh, do you have a secret girlfriend that you didn’t tell me about?”

“No, it’s just my friend. I think he got hurt.” I bit my lip and started pacing a bit. 

“Oh. I’m sorry. Do you need help looking for him?” Grace put the purple dildo back and walked up to me. 

“ _ This is Jeremy Heere, well not actually. I meant that this is my voicemail because I couldn’t answer my phone and- SHUT UP MIKEY! Anyway, just leave a message or whatever. I’ll call or text you or yeah.” _

The ding went off and I began talking, trying to keep calm. I hadn’t heard Jeremy’s voicemail speech since the day he recorded it. 

“Hey, Jer, it’s Mikey. I heard that you got sick or something from Chrissy. Are you ok? Like, where are you? I’m going to sit at the table where you had the Mountain Dew. Call me if you need me to meet you somewhere or you just need something, ok? I’m worried.” 

I shoved the phone back in my pocket and grabbed the Clear Pepsi. 

“Did he answer?”

I shook my head. 

“Damn, do you need any help? I don’t have anything that I need to do, and now I’m getting worried. I’ve never seen you this tense before.”

“Nah, it’s just-” I paused. How could I even verbalize what Jeremy meant to me? “-He’s kinda, like, my only real friend. Like, we’ve known each other since kindergarten. After knowing someone for that long, you kinda get attached, you know?”

Grace nodded and put a reassuring hand on my shoulder. “I get it. But if you need anything, just say something, alright?”

I smiled and nodded. 

“Ok, well I hope you find your friend and that you have a good night.” Grace gave me a small salute and walked into the back of the store. 

I sighed and headed out to the front. What had Jeremy gotten himself into now?

Maybe he had an allergic reaction to the pill or it worked but in a bad way.

Why did he have to run off? The first thing they teach you about being safe in public is to not to run away and not answer your phone. 

I slid into the plastic chair I had previously been in. The chili fries in the middle of the small table were cold and slimy looking now. 

My foot bounced up and down impatient as I sat and waited. Was I supposed to spam his phone or would that be worse? I had never lost a child in a supermarket before, so I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. Was there a place I was supposed to go to so they would call his name out over the intercom and tell him that his friend was waiting for him so that they could leave?

My fingers started drumming against the table. People walked by and lights stared down at me. Everything was still moving and going, but I was stuck in place. 

I was stuck in place with fear. Had something happened to Jeremy?

My fingers started scrolling through my call list to call him again when a text came through. Jeremy. Thank God. 

_ Player Two <3: Hey, I think that those chili fries didn’t agree with me or something. _

_ Player Two <3: Worst stomach pains of my life. _

_ Player Two <3: I called my dad and he picked me up. _

_ Player Two <3: Sorry for leaving :( _

_ Me: Oh, no worries. Just answer your phone next time, dork.  _

_ Me: You scared me. _

_ Me: Do you want me to come back over or do you need to rest? _

_ Player Two <3: I think that I need some rest and Pepto Bismol, thanks though. _

_ Me: Aight. _

_ Me: Ttyl _

Relief hit me like a truck. He was ok. Jeremy was ok, and I would text him later about the soda I got. He would make fun of me for being so invested in a niche area, and then we would send each other memes about various video games until 5:00 in the morning. 

My phone started buzzing again. Nadia was calling me.

“Hello?”

“Michelle! There you are. I texted Mr. Heere, and he said that you two left to go to the mall. It’s getting kinda late, Honey, I’m worried about you being out in the dark.”

“Sorry, Nadia. We just got caught up having fun. Jeremy actually went home sick, I think he ate some bad food, so I was about to come home anyway.”

“Oh, that’s good. Did you drop him off? Only an idiot would walk home in the dark.”

“Uh, no. He said that Mr. Heere picked him up.” 

There was a long pause from Nadia. I sat in my chair, tapping my fingers against my black phone case and biting my lip.

“Huh. That’s weird. I guess that my service must be lagging. Mr. Heere made it sound like you guys weren’t back yet. Anyway, if you’re all situated, come home, please. I found a movie that we can watch, if you’re up for it.” 

I smiled. “Yeah, that sounds really great, actually.”   


“Oh, I’m so excited. Just hurry on home then, but don’t go over the speed limit. Be safe!”

“Don’t worry, I will. See you soon, Nadia.”

“Ok, see you soon!” She hung up with a click. 

I got up and threw away the chili fries. The Pepsi stayed tucked under my arm all the way to the Cruiser. I even buckled it into the back seat just in case. 

As I was driving back home, I thought I saw a person walking on the side of the road. I thought they looked cold and sad. I thought they were wearing a blue cardigan. 

It seemed like I blinked, and they disappeared. 

Weird. 

I pulled into the garage and closed the door. Nadia greeted me in the kitchen.

“Hey, Michelle! How was your day?”

I put the case of Pepsi on the marble counter and spun around. “It was pretty alright, actually.”

Nadia started putting plates into the cabinet from the dishwasher. “That’s good, I like it when you have good days.” 

She put the last plate in and then stood there with her hands on her wide hips. “Why does it feel like there are some plates missing?”

A lump started forming in my throat. I had forgotten about that. How was I going to explain that?

Nadia opened the cabinet under the sink to grab another pod of soap for the dishwasher when she stopped. “And why is there only ammonia under the sink? I thought I just bought some other cleaners. Your mother knows that you can’t use that harsh stuff.” 

She stood back up and walked upstairs. “Hey, check in your room for some plates. I know that you usually eat dinner there. I’m going to see if she moved all of the cleaners to our bathroom!” 

I grabbed the Pepsi and bolted downstairs. 

What was I going to do? What was I going to do? What was I going to do? What was I going to do? What was I going to do? What was I going to do?

My shins hit the metal bed frame, and I fell onto the bed.

“Ow,” I said then covered my mouth with my hand. It fell back down to grab my left leg slowly when I remembered that no one else was down here.

The threads had gotten caught on the sharp corner, tearing through the fabric and giving me a decently sized dent in my leg. 

“Dammit.” I hobbled over to my bathroom and tried to pull the pant leg off. 

I slipped and landed flat on my ass. 

“MICHELLE? ARE YOU OK?” Nadia yelled from upstairs.

“YEAH, I’M FINE, JUST TRIPPED.” 

I continued to wiggle the pants off while sitting down. It was hard to not pull the fabric right over the tops of my thighs or over my shin without wincing. 

It was a decently sized dent, but not anything special. There was a good amount of blood, but nothing that I hadn’t seen before. 

Cold water from the tub faucet washed away the red, making the white porcelain look pink before it all went down the drain. It was kinda mesmerizing watching it swirl down the drain. 

I turned off the faucet and stood up, careful not to look at myself in the mirror. My left leg had to work double time now. With awkward hops, I made my way over to the dresser across from my bed. I pulled out a similar pair of black skinny jeans, these had some distressed marks on them, but I had sewed some fabric from a bandanna that I found to cover where the gaps were. 

I sat down on the cold floor and scooted over to my bed. The floorboard came out relatively quietly, and I pulled out my first aid stuff. 

Thank God for bandages and gauze pads with ace wraps.

After everything was all cleaned up, I shoved the box back into the floor and covered up my secret spot. 

It was less painful to pull the pants over my shin, but my thighs still hurt just as bad. 

“Michelle?” There was a knock at my door.

“Give me a second!” I shoved the pants on and stood up. Limps weren’t too hard to hide. 

Nadia opened the door and came down the steps, clinging to the railing. “I have no idea how you just fly down these things, don’t you want a light on?

I shook my head.

“Oh, well, I want to turn a light on, is that ok?”

I shrugged.

The light flickered on overhead, filling the almost barren room with a yellow glow.

“I haven’t really been down here in a while. Are you sure that you don’t want some chairs or anything? I mean-” She walked over to my desk next to the bathroom. “-you have this and your old stool thing, but it just feels so empty in here.” 

Nadia walked over to the small window that rested just below the ceiling, just above the ground outside. “I can see the neighbor’s porch light through these, you don’t want new ones?”

I shrugged again.

It wasn’t worth getting anything really nice for my room, it would probably just get ruined or taken away. The she-demon wasn’t very fond of me having nice things. Nadia was the only reason I had a computer for school and a desk. Before that, I just had my bed and the dresser creaked every time I opened the sock drawer.

“Well, if you ever change your mind, I would love to do some redecorating with you.” She put her hand on my shoulder lightly. 

It took everything in me to not shrug her off. 

I smiled back. “Maybe someday.”

“Yeah, maybe someday. Anyway, did you find any of those plates?”

I shook my head, looking down at her feet. She had on fuzzy socks with purple dots on them. 

“Man, I couldn’t find any in Amelia and I’s room either. Maybe we just had less plates than I remember. Also, do you know where those cleaning supplies went?”

I shook my head. “Well, I was talking to my mother, and she and I agreed that they weren’t much better. She was afraid of the ammonia in them and threw them out.” 

I continued to look at Nadia’s feet. Lying to her felt terrible, but she never would have believed me if I told her the truth. 

No one believed me when I said the truth, so lying just became easier. 

“Oh, I’m so sorry, Sweetie. I thought they didn’t have any in them-” She put her warm hand against my cheek. “-How about we go to the store this weekend and look for some different ones together. You can double check me next so we don’t have to get stuff that hurts you, ok?”

I bit my lip to keep myself from doing something stupid like getting emotional. 

I nodded. 

“Alright. Well, are you hungry at all? I have some left over salad in the fridge, yucky I know, but that’s there. We can also eat some of that dried fruit you like while we watch the movie.”

I nodded my head again, biting my lip harder. 

“Ok, let’s go. I already got the blankets out and it’s all queued up. Have you seen the first ‘Scream’ movie before?”   


I shook my head. That was also a lie, but I knew that Nadia would have loved to say that I saw it for the first time with her. 

“Oh my goodness, I’ve seen an ‘old’ movie that you haven't? Well, come on, Girlie, and let’s get up there!”

Nadia turned around and started walking upstairs. I hoped that she didn’t see me shudder when she said “Girlie.” I still had nightmares about that name. 

Broken bones and dripping blood. Glass shards on the floor. One, meaty hand wrapped around my neck. Another one sliding under my clothes.

No. I had to stop thinking. (Nadia was waiting for me upstairs, and I couldn’t disappoint her.)

I had to take a breath and just be fine. I had to act fine. This was fine. It was fine. Everything was fine. 

Everything was fine, but I could still feel the name being breathed on my neck. 

I shook my head and pressed my hands against my eyes, sliding them under my glasses. 

“Just take a breath and seal the deal. Go upstairs and watch the movie with Nadia,” I told myself. 

I walked up and shut the door behind me. No one was going to stand in my doorway anymore. Not anymore. 

…

The weekend I spent with just Nadia was the best weekend I had experienced in a while. We worked on the house together, tried baking some low carb foods, (We ended up throwing them out because they just looked and smelled terrible.) went to the store and bought ammonia-free cleaners, watched more old horror movies, re-did my red ends, and did each other’s hair. 

We acted like stereotypical mothers and daughters, and I loved it. She didn’t insult me the entire time, or when I messed something up, (I got her Panera order wrong after the at home low carb incident) she didn’t scream at me. She told me that it was ok, and that I would just remember for next time.

She let me sit in the living room and do some planning for my essay and work on my poem Miss Smith, and she didn’t yell at me for being lazy. 

There wasn’t any hot coffee in my face or magazines being chucked at me. There weren't any threats of being hit or privacy being taken away from me. 

I tried putting her kinky hair in twists as “Psycho” played in the background. It felt weird doing someone else’s hair, let alone someone who almost always left her hair in its natural state.

“If you mess it up, that’s fine. I normally do these really tiny ones if I want my hair to be a different kind of curly when I wake up. You also have hair straighter than me, so I’m impressed that you are able to attempt this.”

“Ha, I think everyone has hair straighter than you.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” She laughed and handed me a piece of freeze-dried strawberry to eat. 

My two, long dutch braids fell over my shoulders as I leaned to get another section of hair. Nadia jumped and knocked me over when the killer pulled back the curtain. 

“OH MY GOD- Oh my God, I hit you. I am so sorry, are you ok?” She crouched over me with her warm, brown eyes scanning my body for any severe injuries.

“Yeah, I’m ok. You’re fine.” 

She extended her hand for me to take, and so I did.

It was nice knowing that someone was going to pull me up instead of dragging me down.

It was a lovely way to end my Sunday afternoon.


	13. Jeremy VII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmmmmmmmmm, aren't you forgetting something, jer?

I opened my eyes to hear my Monday morning alarm go off. The Squip hadn’t made a noise all weekend, but my phone was still glitchy and my head and back hurt so bad that I didn’t do anything. 

“Hello?” I tapped the side of my head. “Are you even in there?” 

“Jeremy?” My dad yelled from down the hall. “Are you talking to yourself?”

My shoulders slumped down, and I frowned. “Yeah! I guess so.” 

I shook that lonely feeling off and reached for my Macbook. Staying in bed pretty much all weekend was something that I needed, but it was really boring. Looking at any screen hurt, so I just slept all day. 

It was only 6:00 in the morning, I had some time to do something fun. I opened the computer and started typing into the search bar. In an incognito tab, of course. 

“Come on, come on. Go, go-” My hands jumped off of the keyboard as a jolt of electricity zipped through me. 

“Ow!” 

_ “What did we say about masterbation?”  _ The Squip stood over me, arms crossed over its crop top and jacket. 

“I was just gonna- I was just gonna check my email!” 

It sighed and sat down on the bed.  _ “You can’t lie to me, Jeremy. I’m inside your brain. We’re going to devise a system. I tally every time you think about sex, and that’s how many push-ups you do. If this morning is an indicative sample, you’ll have pecs in no time.” _

Next to us, my dad entered the shared bathroom. My door was wide open, so I got a lovely view of him beginning to pull out his,  _ thing _ .

“DAD! Jesus!” I covered my eyes.

“Oh, coming through, Private!” He walked over and closed my door. 

The Squip turned and looked at me. It had a disappointed look on its face.  _ “That’s the source of your genetic material?”  _

I made eye contact with it between my fingers. “That’s my dad, yeah.” 

I brought my hands down as the Squip sighed,  _ “We should double those push-ups.”  _

The Squip snapped its fingers, and my body moved itself out of bed. I didn’t do it. 

“What the-” 

_ “I said that we should double those push ups. Get started.” _

My hands went down and placed themselves on the carpeted floor, shoulder width apart. 

_ “Get on with it!”  _ It sat back on the bed and pushed back some of its long hair.

With a reluctant sigh, I started doing push ups. I didn’t stop until the Squip was satisfied, which meant that I was covered with sweat and on the brink of an asthma attack. 

_ “Good. Now, there is twenty minutes before the bus gets here. I want you to bathe yourself while I go through your memory to see what is in your closet. Your father should be out of the bathroom by now.”  _

I nodded and headed into the bathroom. The Squip followed. 

“Are you gonna leave?” 

It shrugged.  _ “I don’t leave unless you instruct me to, but then I will not be able to begin going through your closet.” _

“Well, it’s weird to watch me. Why don’t you do something useful like text Mikey that I’m taking the bus.”

_ “Do you rely on Mikey for most things?” _

I stopped getting my towel down from the rack. Mikey and I just did things together because we enjoyed the other’s company. I didn’t force her to hang out with me all of the time, right?

“Well, she gives me a ride every day, and we sit together for lunch.”

_ “Hmm, I see. Well, I will contact Mikey and tell her the plans for the day. I will also not look at you while you bathe, if you would prefer.” _

The towel I was holding didn’t feel opaque enough in my hands anymore. I moved it to cover my chest, even though I hadn’t stripped for my shower yet. “Uh, yeah. Don’t look.” 

The Squip nodded and turned around, beeping came from the corner of the bathroom as I took my shower. 

This was going to be a lot weirder than I thought.

After the shower, I covered myself up as much as I could before stepping out. 

I brushed my teeth with the towel on and then turned to see the Squip facing me. 

“Jesus! Ok, so what am I wearing today? And how much time do I have?”

_ “Ten minutes, get the plain blue t-shirt from your dresser, black skinny jeans, and your converse. There is a black and white flannel in your dad’s closet that you can wear on top. He left for work, so there won’t be any trouble getting it out.”  _

“Uh, ok. I didn’t think that I would be taking stuff from my dad, but he never wears it, so.”

_ “Jeremy, we do not have time to stand around. Get your things together. Your backpack is ready because you never took your stuff out of it.”  _

I nodded and grabbed the clothes. Different layers got shoved on as I started to panic. Was I going to run out of-

“OW!”

_ “Not those socks, wear plain white ones with your converse.”  _

My eyes moved to glare at the Squip, but when I saw that she looked very angry they moved back to the drawer. 

I grabbed the flannel out of my dad’s closet and ran downstairs. My backpack was resting against the brown couch in the living room. 

_ “Jeremy, the bus stops at the corner in two minutes and fifteen seconds. I would strongly encourage you to hurry up.” _

“I am, calm down.” My shoes got shoved onto my feet, and I ran down the street. The bus stopped right as I got there. 

The ride wasn’t that back. I had my earbuds in my pocket and listened to music the Squip deemed “chill.”

At my locker, Chloe Valentine, Brookes Lohst, and Jenna Roland were all standing around and talking. Chloe and Brookes stood with their matching Starbucks cups while Jenna rambled on about something. 

“6-26-15, come on,” I whispered as I spun the dial. 

The locker opened, and I didn’t flinch. Maybe today wasn’t going to be so heinous. 

I grabbed some spare pencils and shut the locker. As I started heading to Algebra, the trio of popular kids waved at me. 

Brookes gave me a wink with the wave. That was weird. 

While walking up the staircase, I realized that while I wasn’t ever going to be the “cool” guy, I wasn’t going to be as left out anymore. Maybe I was a Robert DeNiro kind of guy, now that someone was helping me out. 

A meaty shoulder knocked into me, jarring me from my thoughts.

“Hey, Tall Ass, where’s my money?” Rich pulled me to the side of the busy hallway. 

What was I supposed to tell Rich? 

_ “Up up down down left right A." _

Rich spasmed again and looked at me with awe. “You got one!”

“Yeah, sorry I meant to go through you but-” I flinched when he moved closer. “-Don’t hit me!”

Rich grabbed my hand and dapped me up. “Jeremy! This is awesome! I mean, I coulda used the money. Things are kinda rough at home, if you know what I’m sayin’...” 

He trailed off and looked down. 

I shot forward and put my hand on his shoulder. Not intentionally. “Yeah, my dad drinks, too?”

No, he didn’t. Why did I say that? 

In the corner of my eye, The Squip flashed. 

That’s why I said that, but how did the Squip know?

“Yeah, fucking dads, right? He usually passes out by nine, you should come over, play Xbox. You know with a squip, the only controller you need is your mind?” Rich looked to his right like someone was there and shrugged. 

Rich left, but I stayed by the top of the stairwell to talk with my Squip. 

“What was that about?”

_ “I synced with his squip. Now his desires are compatible with your own.” _

“And that makes him act like we’re friends?”

_ “What is friendship but a bond between two people? Now you and Rich have a bond, it’s just digital.”  _

The Squip grabbed my shoulders and shoved me back into the flow of student traffic.  _ “Now get ready, to more than survive!” _

I continued walking to my math class, walking with purpose and confidence. I could do this, I could totally do this. 

Something red came into my field of vision for a second, but it went away. It reminded me of something, but it felt like there was a little block around that part of my brain. 

What was so important about the color red?

I shook my head and continued throughout my day. Math, Government, Computer Science, Physics, Spanish, and Study Hall all flew by. No work was actually done on my end. The Squip just hovered beside me and whispered answers into my ear. 

For lunch, it had me sit in the library and eat. It was a weird request, but when I listened to the Squip, things started working out. 

English was much easier with someone looking over my shoulder. All of the answers were just there for me to listen to as I took the test. Normally, it took me the entire class period to try and find the right word for my transition between paragraphs. 

I felt crisp, high, and clean. This was amazing. This pattern continued for a few weeks. School, then play rehearsal. School, then play rehearsal. School, then play rehearsal. The Squip stayed by my side for all of it. 

Some of the pushups were even starting to play off, a little muscle definition started showing up in the mirror when I looked. 

Everything was fine, great even. Those weeks were the best I had experienced in a while. There was just one thing that I felt weird. 

What was it about the color red? Or bathroom tiles? Why did it feel weird when I saw someone’s red hoodie lying outside of the girls’ restroom?

The Squip never mentioned anything about it, so I didn’t think of it much. 

Soon, it was time for the last play rehearsal before we started doing dress rehearsal, and this time, I was going to sit by Chrissy.

I had been in the back, just doing my work and practicing my lines. Now, the Squip and I had a plan. I was going to sit by Chrissy and talk. All of those times in the library had been thinking of what to say and different angles to approach the subject from.

I was going to do it. I was going to talk to them. 

I was ready to more than survive, so I headed to drama practice with Chrissy.


	14. Mikey VII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw child abuse and reference to injury  
> poor bb

My school week started off terribly, and it only got worse from there. The month was terrible. I began to hate the word October.

On Monday, I lost my poem for creative writing and had to make up a lie on the spot. Miss Smith believed me, but I felt terrible for the rest of the day.

I was running late that morning, the weird text from Jeremy I had gotten was super vague and passive aggressive sounding. In my worry, I forgot that the typed poem was left sitting out on the kitchen counter. It was only when I was called to the front to read it that I realized it wasn’t in my backpack. 

“My step-mom must have shoved it in her briefcase before heading to the office. Can I bring it tomorrow?”

Miss Smith shook her head, blonde curls bouncing around her face. “Yeah, you can. But it better be good.”

I laughed. It was about feeling stuck in place, begging for someone to be with you, but you were just left to sit and suffer alone. It was just up her alley

On Tuesday, Brookes spilled his iced coffee all over my laptop while talking about this cute boy he started talking to in a Macy’s. I spent the rest of the day waiting in the library for the IT guy to do something about it. He was too busy, so Nadia helped me clean it and get it all fixed up when I got home. The she-demon didn’t approve and refused to let me use my computer at home after that. Even if I had homework. 

“Oh my God, I was out with Chloe, and we saw this cute twink. Kinda nerdy and a little awkward, but he seemed so nice. Like, he was trying really hard to be cool and not mess up talking, you know? And his face was just adorable when it got all red.” Brookes gestured around with his Starbucks drink, lid off.

“Wow, did you get his number?” His friend asked next to him.

“No, I mean, like he goes here and I have some extracurriculars with him, but I didn’t want to be too forward because-SHIT!”

The drink slipped from his hand and fell directly onto my open laptop. So much for working on my essay. 

“Goddamnit.” I took off my hoodie and used it to try and wipe off the coffee. I was just grateful that I wore long sleeves today, yet I was also upset because it was a white one and this was everywhere. 

“Oh, I am so sorry. Lemme get some paper towels.” Brookes shot up out of his seat and ran to the bathroom. 

The teacher yelled at him, but it was a workday, and we were the smartest in the class. What was he gonna do, let me sit in my puddle of iced coffee?

Brookes also helped me get to the bathroom and change. The nurse had spare long sleeves. It was weird wearing school spirit. He was quite the gentleman and held my laptop and backpack while I changed. I left the hoodie out in the hall because it still reeked and I didn’t want to shove it in my car just yet. 

After spending the rest of the day emailing my teachers from my phone that my computer would be out of the works for a bit, I drove home. 

Nadia was able to fix it. (Apparently, her mother used to spill drinks on their family computer all the time when she was young, so she went right to work.) She also called my mother to tell her that coffee had gotten on the computer and that I should get a new one anyway. It was old and the shift key on the right side didn’t work. 

She just told Nadia to put me on the phone and screamed at me for being clumsy and stupid. She-demon put new rules in place that unless given permission, I was not to use the computer at home at all. 

I told Nadia that she said maybe next year. 

On Wednesday, the she-demon stopped by before school and after Nadia left just to yell at me. No real reason, but she made sure that I knew she wished that I was never born and this week long break was the only good thing that had ever happened to her. If it was that good, I didn’t know why she would have ruined it by driving to see me, but I guess texting just wasn’t good enough for her. 

“So, I was talking to your father. He says that he wants to see you.” She walked in from the backdoor. 

Shit. Not today.

“Well, according to the court, he isn’t allowed to.” I turned around and crossed my arms, flipping my wrists in so I wasn’t too exposed in my t-shirt. 

“Are you talking back to me?”

“No, Ma’am.”

She came into the living room, setting her purse down on the sofa. “It sounded like you were talking back, you stuck up, little Miscreant.”

Stay neutral. Don’t move. Don’t move. Don’t move. Stay neutral.

She walked over to the cabinet and scanned the plates.  “Nadia hasn’t said anything yet, did you tell her?” 

I shook my head. 

“Good, and what about the cleaning supplies?”

“I said that you threw them out because they made me sick. We bought new ones together on Saturday.”

“Oh, so you made her spend her hard earned money on you because ammonia gives you a headache?”

I shook my head again, faster. “No, it’s not like-”

She slammed her hand down on the counter. “I’ll tell you what it’s like. You are so expensive! You need drugs and doctors and clothes and food and a place to charge all of your shitty electronics for ‘school’ and special cleaning supplies.”   


“I’m sorry,” I muttered, looking at the piece of wood connecting the tile to the hardwood floor. It was slightly raised above the floor in a gentle sort of way.

“Sorry? You’re sorry?” She pushed back some of the baby hairs that had fallen out of her sleek ponytail. 

The she-demon stalked over to me and grabbed the front of my shirt.

“Look at me when I talk to you!” Her eyes were like coals in hell’s furnace.

“Sorry.” 

“Quit saying sorry you, Magkantot.” She pushed me back.

I moved my arms back to catch myself before I hit the dining room chairs behind me. 

I didn’t catch myself.

Pain erupted all over my back as I stared up at her from the pile of chairs and limbs. She looked like a hitman in her pantsuit. 

“You are a sad excuse of isa iha, and everyday I regret giving birth to you. I should've gotten the abortion your Ama had set up.” 

She knelt down and grabbed my bare arm, squeezing it tight. “This break was the best thing I’ve gotten in a while. Coming here to talk to you for your Ama ruined everything. You just ruin everything.”

I bit my tongue to keep from yelling, but I couldn’t stop my face from screwing up.

“Quit squirming and get ready for school. I don’t want to see your ugly face.” She let go and walked to get her purse before heading upstairs. 

I put all of the chairs back and ran over to get my now washed hoodie and backpack from next to the garage door. The door closed behind me with a quiet click. 

I didn’t talk to anyone for the rest of the day.

On Thursday, the Seven-Eleven closed down due to a robbery that had happened. So many things got broken, it would have been a miracle if they got things back up and running by the end of the year. I was the one who called the police from the parking lot. The only thing I could think of was that I was relieved that Adanna had moved. If she had gotten shot, I didn’t know what I would have done. 

“911. What’s your emergency?” 

I took in a shaky breath. Shots fired off inside the store in front of me.

“Hi, uh. I’m at the Seven-Eleven on Park Street. There’s an armed robber taking place. The guy keeps on shooting, I don’t know-” I choked back a sob. There wasn’t any blood, but a container of milk exploded against one of the glass windows. 

“Ok, Ma’am, just stay on the line, ok? Are you inside?”

“No, I’m sitting in my car. I was just about to go in when I heard the yelling. I got my phone out, but when the first shot went off, I dialed you.”   


“That’s very good. You did the right thing. Are you in any danger?”

“No, I don’t think so. I just don’t want to see anyone die.” My voice cracked.

“Ma’am, everything is going to be ok. The police should be arriving there shortly. Please stay on the line unless I instruct you otherwise. Is there anything else that you can tell me? How many cars are in the parking lot?”

I looked around and counted. “Um, there's about eight. Three black ones, a silver one, two red ones, a blue car, and a tan one. Not counting mine, I mean.” I wiped my nose on my sleeve and bit my lip.

“Ok, can you tell me what kind of cars they are?”

I shook my head and then realized that the lady couldn’t see me. “No.”

“Do you know what kind of car you have?”

“A 2001 PT Cruiser.”

“Oh, wow. You must have patience for older stuff, huh?”

“Yeah-” I half heartedly laughed. “-I kinda do.”

Suddenly, sirens started blaring just outside of my car. Three cop cars and an ambulance pulled up to the Seven-Eleven parking lot. I stayed frozen in my seat. 

“Ma’am, are you still there?”

“I am, but I don’t think I can stay. Do I have to stay? Please, I came here on my lunch break from the high school. I’m just a kid, I don’t want to see if there’s a dead body.”

“Well, we would really prefer if you stayed and answered some questions, but I can’t physically stop you. Did you tell me everything that you know?”

“Yes. Yes, I did. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I brought a hand up to my face to keep the sob from escaping.

It worked. I didn’t even cry, I just came close.

“It’s ok, Honey. Just, stay safe, ok?”

“Ok.” I hung up and pulled out of the parking lot. As I turned onto the street back to the  school, two more cop cars and a firetruck zipped into the entrance behind me. 

On Friday, the she-demon came back home officially. She and Nadia went to the steakhouse while I stayed home alone. With my laptop taken away and no one answering my texts. 

I sat on my bed with my box sitting next to me, but I was too drained to do anything. No one knew about the gas station. Well, everyone heard what happened, but no one knew that I made the call. The police report said that the caller didn’t identify themselves. It didn’t even mention what kind of car the caller had, but it said all of the other ones. 

Music played from my phone softly in the background as I stared at the ceiling. Grace hadn’t answered any of my texts. I was considering taking her up on the offer of drinking Red Mountain Dew. Anything was better than being lonely, and the time I spent with her in the sex section of Spencer’s Gifts honestly wasn’t that bad.

She never answered. No one I texted answered. 

I felt so alone. So empty and alone.

But I didn’t cry. I couldn’t cry. There was nothing to cry about. I was fine. Everything was fine.

I drifted off to sleep as my phone battery dwindled down to nothing. I was too tired to even plug it in.

And the entire time, Jeremy wouldn’t do as much as look at me. 

I spent my lunches sitting in my car alone, listening to “Everybody Hurts” by REM on repeat, drinking water from my old water bottle. 

English was spent with him sitting across the room from me and pretending like I didn’t exist. At first, I called his name a few times. After that, I just tried to see if he would look at me. 

Jeremy only made eye contact with me once, walking to my Pre-Calc class. He immediately looked somewhere else. Anywhere else. 

What had I done? What did I do? 

My days were spent trying to work on my essay in study hall while doing the rest of my homework and trying not to think about everything or anything at all.

After two weeks, I changed my lock screen on my phone. It hurt too much to look at us so happy. To see Jeremy’s arm wrapped around me and a slushie clasped in his hand was so painful. 

His tongue was completely blue and some dye had gotten on his face. He had stolen my glasses (They did look nice on him, but upside down they looked ridiculous.) and took the picture on my phone. Jeremy caught me mid laugh, hair down, and the broken cup leaking slushie onto my palm.

It hurt to see us that happy. 

What had I done to hurt so bad?

Things with my mother hadn’t gotten any better either. Since she was back home, the yelling got worse. She started getting closer and closer to doing what he did. What my father did. 

Nadia had no idea what was going on, and I planned for it to stay that way. Two people had already seen me on the floor, in a small pool of blood. I didn’t need a third. 

I couldn’t ruin Nadia. That was the one thing that couldn’t be ruined. 

Miss Smith still asked me about the essay, but I had pretty much given up on it. Yeah, I got comments sometimes or told that I was just a white girl asking for attention, but it wasn’t like I was going to make it to college at this rate. Not with the she-demon hiding food from me and screaming at me if I breathed too hard. 

I just wanted to stop hurting. I wanted it all to stop, but I couldn’t stop. 

A small part of me had hope. Maybe he was just busy with something. Maybe things were going to get better again. Maybe certain people would just die of a heart attack in the middle of the night, and then I could move across the country with one of the only adults that I actually trusted to not hurt me. Mentally and physically. 

But hope was dangerous. 

While I had hope, I also had moments where I thought I didn’t deserve hope. Nights were spent in my bathroom, my box lying next to me as I sat on the floor. Arms shaking and weak. Thighs burning and trembling. 

Thank god for easily removable floor boards. I couldn’t get that taken from me.

The play was coming up soon, and I decided that this year, I wasn’t going to go see it. 

I would either actually try to write my essay, or get high in my basement and try to forget that life was real. 

If it wasn’t so hard for Nadia to get me from the doctors without getting grief from the she-demon, I would have smoked a lot more. It was something that my mother left me alone when I did, and it felt nice. It was like turning my brain off and just letting all the tightness in my chest float away. 

If only I could have felt like that all of the time. 

I was so tired of hurting, why couldn’t I just make it stop. 

Why couldn’t it stop?


	15. Jeremy VIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yikes

I walked into the play rehearsal room, Chloe Valentine was sitting next to Chrissy with Brookes Lohst and Jenna Roland flanked around her. 

“He’s at Model U.N. Or whatever it is this week. You know Jake. Always jumping from one-” Chloe paused hurt flashed over her spray tanned face for a second. “-extracurricular to another.

“I don’t know him that well,” Chrissy said. 

They shifted in their chair. All four legs were on the floor. 

“Well, he loves to try new things. He just doesn’t stay with them after he tries them, if you know what I mean.” 

“We’re just friends.” Chrissy crossed their arms. The black and white long sleeves they were wearing rode up, exposing a few red bracelets that Chrissy had on.

“What?” Chloe gawked at Chrissy with those overlined bug eyes. 

“I know you guys used to date or whatever. So if that is what this is about-”

“Oh my god. Ew, no. Jake and I are totally over!” 

“Yeah, he’s really gross.” Brookes took a sip from his iced coffee and side-eyed Chloe. 

“He is not gross!” Chloe whipped around, long hair extensions flopping over her jumper dress.

Brookes rolled his eyes and pulled his phone out of his embroidered jeans. 

“Anyway. Friends. I am so glad because I would hate to think that the reason Jake is not here is because he’s bored of you already. Bye!” 

Chloe stood up and her posse followed to the front of the room. 

This was my chance, Jake wasn’t here and sitting next to Chrissy.

“Is this seat taken?” I asked the overall-clad person next to me. 

“I- I don’t really know.” 

The Squip moved its hand like it was telling me to sit down. 

“Well, how about I sit here until whoever shows up?”

Chrissy shrugged and leaned back in their chair. The front two legs dangling in the air. “Hey, are you ok? I haven’t really talked to you in a bit, and I was worried.”

I set my backpack down and looked over. “What, why?” 

“At the mall, you were acting really strange. We never really got to address it.” 

“Oh, that was just performance art.” I shrugged and pulled my windbreaker around me tighter. 

I still didn’t understand why the Squip made me wear the Eminem shirt today. It was honestly kind of weird walking around with a rapper’s face on my shirt. It was even weirder that the Squip made me order it from Amazon after I said that I didn’t want to go back to Macy’s ever again.

“Oh, that’s cool. You had me convinced that something was wrong, at least.” 

Mr. Reyes then walked into the classroom, another Hot Pocket box tucked under his arm. He set the defrosting box on his desk and addressed the group. “Let’s begin, people! Curtains rise on Athens, Georgia. The Center for Disease Control.”

Jenna stood up in her script for her Doctor Theseus. “Now fair Hippolyta, our nuptial hour draws aspace-” She pointed towards Brookes who was carrying Chloe as a sick Helena. “-Bring me Patient Zero!

Chloe brought her fist to her mouth lazily. “Cough.”

Brookes held onto Chloe tighter and looked Jenna in the eyes. “Doctor, why is her cheek so pale? How chance the roses there fade so fast?”

Jenna lifted up her arms and completely forgot that she was holding her script. “She has been attacked in the wasteland. Some say it’s fairies. Some say it’s spirits. Some say it’s the return of the hostile alien race who visited our fair planet one thousand years ago this midsummer…” 

As Jenna continued, I nudged Chrissy in the side with my elbow. 

“So, where’s Jake?” I whispered.

Chrissy shrugged me off. “How should I know?”

“Aren’t you guys dating?”

“No, we’re-”

“REALLY?” I covered my mouth with my hand, but I couldn’t put the noise back in. The Squip facepalmed itself next to me. 

All of the eyes in the room landed on me. They bore into me, and it felt like holes were being burned into my clothes. 

I didn’t want them all to look at me. Why were they all looking at me? Why did I have to mess everything up for everyone else to see?

“Mr. Heere! Your script is closed. Which I can only assume means you’ve memorized your entire part. Please: regale us.” Mr. Reyes started walking over to me. 

I was frozen in my chair. I couldn’t move. My chest started feeling tight again, and my face was starting to feel really warm. Why were they all still staring at me?

“Or perhaps you’re simply wasting our-” He stopped as I shot up out of my seat.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the Squip moving its blue hands around like it was controlling a puppet. With each movement, I did something new. 

“If we zombies have offended, think but this and all is mended that we have but landed here while these spaceships did appear and this weak and idle theme no more yielding but a dream-” I looked at Mr. Reyes. “-Or is it?”

My chest moved up and down a little too hard, but I began to get it under control as Mr. Reyes started talking again. 

“Well! It seems the rest of you can learn from Mr. Heere’s commitment to the craft, especially since the performance is coming up so soon-” He spun on his heel and snatched the box from his desk. “-Hot Pocket break!

The other kids in the room followed him out, Chrissy and I stayed back.

_ “You’re welcome.”  _ The Squip rolled its eyes at me and continued to lean against the counter in the back of the room. 

With a sigh of relief, I sat back down next to Chrissy.

“Wow, you are really into this.” They leaned back forward and clasped their hands together. 

“Why else would I be here?” I laughed.

“Hey, can I ask you something?” Chrissy looked down at the buttons on their overalls and fiddled with them.

I sat there for a second. The Squip and I didn’t go over this in the library.

_ “You can ask me anything! Jeremy, say that!” _

“You can ask me anything.” I scooted over closer to them in my chair.

Chrissy sighed and pushed back their floppy, black hair. They stood up and walked over to the counter to sit on. Small yellow vans dangled in the air as they pressed their lips together. 

“Say there’s this person you pass in the hall every day. And you’ve known him since seventh grade. You’re used to thinking about him in a certain way, from the persona that he displayed. But then something changes-” Chrissy hopped off of the counter and cupped their face with their hands. “-and he changes.”

They walked back over and sat on the back of the chair. Chrissy was perfectly balanced on the flimsy plastic backing. 

“From a guy that you’d never be into, to a guy that you’d kinda be into.” 

Chrissy covered their eyes and kept on going. “From a guy that I’d never be into to a guy that I’d kinda be into.”   


Chrissy hopped off and stood on the chair in front of them. “Is he worth it? Would he understand?”

What? Were they talking about me?

The Squip sat next to me on the side opposite from where Chrissy was previously. It wrapped a digital arm around me and squeezed tight.  _ “Of course they are. I’ve been activating your pheromones. Keep it up.” _

“Say there’s this person that you really didn’t know that well-”   


_ They are totally into you.  _ The small voices came back. 

“-You thought that you had them pegged but now you can tell that he’s gone from a guy that I’d never be into to a guy that I’d kinda be into.”  Chrissy hopped down from the chair and slid across the floor to me on their knees. “Is he worth it, Jeremy?”

The Squip squeezed me harder. 

“Absolutely!” I said. 

Chrissy got back up and put their hands on their hips. “I don’t always relate to other people my age, except when I’m on the stage. There are just so many thoughts and feelings that I’m having to go through-” They paused and looked at me with their face all scrunched up. “-and why am I telling this to you?”

I froze again. The Squip didn’t do anything this time. 

Chrissy sat down and fiddled with their striped long sleeves. “Huh, I guess a part of me likes to sit and talk with you. Who knew?”

I shrugged. 

Chrissy was about to say something else when Mr. Reyes walked back in, the rest of the cast hadn’t come back yet. 

“Alright people, the Hot Pocket break is over!”

Chrissy leaned back in their chair and rolled their eyes. “Back to play rehearsal. I know that it’s weird, but it’s totally true. The guy that I’d kinda be into is…” They trailed off.

“The guy that you’d kinda be into?” I leaned in and smiled at them.

“The guy that I’d kinda be into is Jake,” Chrissy whispered with a smile on their face. 

“Oh, that’s cool,” I said, trying to ignore that sinking feeling in my chest.

Next to me, the Squip started beeping. I looked over and its eyes were at the source code again. _ “WARNING! WARNING” _

It suddenly shot straight up and started puppeting me out of the rehearsal room. My shoulder knocked into someone as I walked out of the room. 

I didn’t even bother to open my eyes. I just let the Squip take over.


	16. Mikey VIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw reference to child abuse

I got up that morning around 6:00. Light started streaming in through my curtains. The air felt cold and heavy. 

I felt cold and heavy. 

My phone still didn’t have any notifications on it. I was starting to wonder if Grace was really ok or not when I heard moving coming from upstairs. 

It was better to start getting up now than have her yell at me, right?

I got up and peeled off my pajamas. It hurt a lot, but I couldn’t show up to school looking like a total slob. 

The sock drawer creaked as I pulled out some tube socks for me to wear. Clean red hoodie, long sleeves underneath, jeans with the bandana fabric, plain socks, and checkered vans were the outfit of the day. 

I groaned as I buttoned the pants around my waist. The she-demon’s tricks of hiding the food in the house from me were working. The jeans that once fit nice and snug around my waist now needed a belt to stay up without sliding down everytime I leaned forward. 

Maybe I could steal a protein bar from Brookes. He also had five in his backpack and never ate any of them. 

The bathroom light flickered on as I squinted. My glasses were left by the sink from the night before. I always forgot to put them back on after I showered. 

I brushed my teeth and my hair. It did look nice and shiny today, and it felt pretty soft. At least I had that going for me. 

I grabbed a scrunchie from under the sink and pulled back my long hair. The red almost blended into my hoodie, but the hoodie was more faded from being worn for so many years. 

Even though I had changed my lock screen and hid all of the old photos, I couldn’t throw away the hoodie. 

For my eleventh birthday, Jeremy got me a men’s extra large red hoodie because I had been complaining about being too cold in my house and that I said red was my favorite color. His dad tried to get Jeremy to pick one that was closer to my size, but Jeremy was adamant about me having the biggest one he could find.

“Mom always says that if you get the big one, you can just grow into it. If I get this one, Mikey can wear it until she’s, like, eighty!” Is what Mr. Heere told me that Jeremy had said.

I promised Jeremy that I would try to take care of it and wear it every day. And for the most part, I had. I washed it of course and it did get some holes from time to time, but that’s where the patches came in. 

Jeremy got me my first two patches for Christmas in sixth grade. Some kid had pushed me into a thorn bush on the way home from school, and it made two big holes on the right sleeve. 

“You keep on saying that people don’t really believe you when you talk about Amelia being Filipino-Ecuadorian, but if you have two tiny flags on, maybe they might.” He presented the two patches to me with a small smile on his face. “I tried to wrap them, but it was a disaster.” 

It was one of the last times that I had hugged him. I was just so happy. He helped me sew them on in his bedroom while a stupid kids movie played in the background. 

Those two patches stared back at me in the mirror. Along with some other ones he and I had gotten together. One from a theme park, the pride patch I had, some video game ones, a national park one from his trip to Yellowstone, my Seven-Eleven one, a Rise Against Racism one, and a record player that had a tiny disk on it. 

I smiled when I looked at them, but it hurt. Oh, how it hurt. 

I turned the light off in the bathroom and grabbed my bag from the foot of the bed. My computer for school was going to be on the main floor, resting on the dining room counter. I just had to grab that and leave. 

Then I could leave the house and get some air. 

But I would have to come back eventually. I didn’t want to come back. It felt suffocating in here, and school was only just barely better. 

No matter what I did, I was alone. Stupid Michelle was all alone. 

I reached the top of the staircase and opened the door. The she-demon herself was sitting at the dining room table waiting for me. 

“Michelle, please have a seat.”

I walked over quietly and sat across from her. My computer rested in between us. 

“So, I was talking with Nadia. Are your meds that she got you not working?”

With a frown, I shook my head. “Um, we stopped doing the pills. The doctor started prescribing me weed.”

She nodded. “Oh, I know, but have you been using it?”

I nodded my head.

“Is it not working?”

Why did she care? What was this? Why was she smiling like that?

“Um, I dunno. Why do you ask?”

“Well-” She got up out of her seat and walked around to crouch beside me. “-it’s kind of expensive to continue to buy this stuff, especially if it isn’t working.”

A lump started forming in my throat. The white headphones around my neck felt like two weights on either side of me.

“Oh, well if it’s too much money, I guess that we can do something else.”

She nodded but kept one arm behind her back. 

What was behind her back?

“I was thinking the same thing because, well-” She stopped and stood up.

Her eyes changed. It was like evil inside of them that I couldn't even describe. It sent chills down my spine and made my throat feel like it was about to close up. 

“-If you’re going to-” She stopped as Nadia cleared her throat from behind us. 

“Babe, what are you two doing? Michelle is going to be late for school.” Nadia came up to my mother and kissed her on the cheek. 

“Oh, I guess you’re right, Honey. Michelle, get your things and leave. We can’t have you messing up your perfect attendance for this year, right?”

I eyed her wearily as I grabbed my computer.

“Yeah, can’t have that.”

I half walked, half jogged to the garage door and got in my car. My faded, red backpack was already in the passenger’s seat. 

What was behind her back?

It was all that I could think about as I sped off to school. And during Pre Cal. And Creative Writing. And Econ. And Environmental Science. And Journalism. And Study hall. And lunch, but was interrupted by Miss Smith emailing me to meet her after school so she could talk to me about something. And English. 

It plagued me as I walked to meet Miss Smith in the library. 

What was behind her back?


	17. Jeremy IX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmmmm, is that emotional manipulation i smell?

The Squip finally stopped moving me around as I sat down on the steps outside of the third door. 

“What was that about?” I turned and asked the figure sitting next to me.

_ “I’m sorry, but that person does not see you as relationship material.” _

I threw my arms up in the air, my windbreaker swishing as I did so. “I know! That’s why I got you!”

The Squip shook its head, making the long strands of hair fall into its face.  _ “Are you sure you want them? There are many people at this school, and I even know about some who-” _

I put my head in my hands and sighed. “I want Chrissy.”

_ “Are you absolutely sure?” _

I looked up and glared at the Squip. This entire thing was about being cool enough for Chrissy. This was all about me needing something to help me be good enough for Chrissy.

_ “Very well.”  _ The Squip crossed its arms and stood up, checkered vans thumping against the concrete.

“Ok, so how can I get them?” I leaned back and looked up at the Squip.

It turned around, eyes glowing blue.  _ “You can’t.” _

What?

I stood up and walked over, finger pointed at its chest. “What do you mean? I thought that you-”

_ “You can’t yet. Becoming the kind of man who can impress Chrissy requires more than working out a few bugs. You’re going to need to reboot your reputation. Supercharge your social standing. You need to upgrade.” _

I stepped back, nose scrunched up. “Huh?”

The Squip rolled its eyes.  _ “You need to get popular. Tear ducts activate.” _

A sob wracked my body as I crumpled down to the concrete steps beneath me. It wouldn’t stop. I thought I was going to drown in my own tears. 

Out of nowhere, Brookes busted through the metal doors behind me and knelt down beside me.

“Jeremy! I’ve been looking for you everywhere!” He wrapped his strong, sturdy arm around me and held me tight against his green army jacket.

I sniffled and leaned into his touch. “I’m sorry. I don’t even know why I’m crying.”

“I do.”

My eyes wandered up to his large brown ones. They were filled with concern and care. “You do?” I croaked.

“Yes, they were saying it was a freak hockey accident.”

I shook my head. “What are you talking about?”

Brookes brought a warm hand up to my face. “Oh my God. You don’t know? Eminem is dead!”

_ “Activate the second wave.” _

A more violent sob wracked my body as Brookes held me in closer, rambling on about what he had heard from the news. 

I glanced down at my shirt, then back at the Squip.

“Did you know that this was going to happen?” I muttered under my breath as Brookes continued holding me. 

_ “Of course not.”  _ The Squip flipped some hair behind its shoulders and put its hands on its hips.

“Then it’s just a coincidence that you told me to wear this shirt?”

The Squip snorted.  _ “Of course not.” _

“Did you kill Eminem?” I whisper-shouted. 

It readjusted its bomber jacket and fiddled with its distressed jean legs.  _ “Nooooot exactly.” _

It walked over and stood right before me. Digitized eyes flickering and flashing.  _ “My quantum processor allows me to envision probable futures. While I did not know that, today, Eminem would be impaled by that rogue hockey stick, I was aware of the probability of a.-” The Squip paused and waved its hand around while looking at me. “-favorable outcome.” _

“Favorable for WHO?” My throat was raw as I gaped at the Squip.

“Oh, Jeremy-” Brookes let go a bit and helped me stand up. “It’s ok. You don’t have to be alone right now.”

_ “You need to get popular, here’s a popular boy who likes you. You need to go where he leads.” _

I looked at the Squip, lost, as Brookes led me to the small garden behind the exit to the library.

“This is my favorite place behind the school,” He said as he held my hand. 

The Squip motioned for me to keep on following as Brookes had me sit down on a stone bench. 

“Being here, with you right now. The future is so clear.” Brookes then paused. 

It wasn’t like he was being quiet, it was like life around me had paused for a second. The Squip came up from behind me and clasped my shoulders. 

_ “I’ll tenderly guide you, just keep me inside your head. Forever.”  _ It spun me around and had me stand up.  _ “Your life was so pitiful before, now it’s time to go all the way and more. You got to get an upgrade.” _

It sat me back down, and Brookes became unpaused. 

“I just think that we could really be something. You know? Like, just after talking to you, I feel this certain way. God, I can’t even describe it. It’s just-”

Brookes kept on talking, but something felt wrong. This wave of guilt started rising in my chest and filling me up inside. This felt wrong, but I didn’t know why. Something was off, really off. 

Brookes became paused again, the wind stopped blowing and the little birds flying overhead were stuck in place. 

How did it do that?

_ “I’m speeding up your reaction time to things. You are just moving really fast while everything else is going terribly slow. I can’t do this for very long, so I prefer to save it for special circumstances.” _

The Squip knelt down next to me and put its blue hand over my pale and shaking one.  _ “Don’t worry about the guilt you feel, just take a breath and seal the deal. You gotta get the upgrade.” _

I shook my head, and everything was unpaused again. A small flash of dizziness overcame me as Brookes grabbed my hand. 

“So, what do you say?”

“Erm, can I have your number so we can text about this? I’m, uh, sorry. I just don’t feel well and really need to get home.” 

Brookes nodded sympathetically and pulled a pen out of his jean pocket. He wrote his number down on my palm and patted it. 

“Of course. Take your time. But just know, I’ll be waiting.” He smiled and gave me a wink before leaving for the parking lot. 

I sat on the stone bench and just let myself shake for a bit before trying to stand up. There was a small glass hallway to my right, and I could see Chrissy walking down it. Jake met them in the middle. 

“Hey, are you not gonna say hi?” Jake reached forward to touch Chrissy’s arm, but they backed away.

“I was, but at rehearsal.” Chrissy fiddled with the buttons on their overalls.

“I wanted to be there-” Jake waited until Chrissy looked at him in the eyes before continuing. “-but it’s the same time as archery.” 

Chrissy shook their head and started to walk away. “It’s ok, really-” 

Jake spun around and grabbed their arm. “Which is why I told the coach that I quit.” He let go of their arm and rubbed the back of his head. “I don’t want to do every extracurricular at the school. I just want to do yours.”

They tightened their grip in their backpack straps and stared at Jake.

“Do you want to come over to my place tonight? We could be all sporty and play cricket, or get a forty and just kick it. My parents won’t be home so it’s alright. They laundered money now they’re on the run-” 

Chrissy shook their head and put a hand out to stop Jake from continuing. “Wait, that’s illegal.”

Jake laughed. “Which means that the house is empty, so that’s fun!”

Chrissy smiled as Jake took their hand. 

“I’ve never hung out with anyone like you before. I don’t know if you know yet, but I am sure, that to me you are an upgrade-”

“An upgrade?” Chrissy leaned in closer, moving their hand out of Jake’s grasp and onto his chest. 

“And upgrade.”

“Oh wow. I’m flattered, this is new. Still, I’m not sure what I should do. 

He laughed a little and brushed some hair out of their eyes. “You gotta take the upgrade.”

Chrissy leaned back and winked. “I guess I’ll take the upgrade.”

I felt sick. 

I started running into the library when the Squip started yelling at me. 

_ “Jeremy, can’t you see?” _

My head shook as I tried to take off my windbreaker. It felt suffocating. 

The Squip stopped me and pointed at my chest.  _ “We got a plan, now be a man. We start with Brookes and then progress. Then reassess and soon success. We’ll intervene, by which I mean, Chrissy.” _

I looked up and saw the new couple exiting the glass hallway and into the main part of the building. Jake didn’t normally stay with people for very long, but that was the most touchy I had ever seen him get. Chrissy didn’t seem to hate it either. 

_ Chrissy. Chrissy. Chrissy. Chrissy. Chrissy. Chrissy. Chrissy. Chrissy. Chrissy.  _ The voices wouldn’t stop. 

Nothing stopped. Everything was going too fast for me to process. I need it off. I needed everything to turn off. 

I knelt down the ground and pressed my hands over my ears. “There’s too many voices in my head! I just need a minute to...process…”

I took in deep breaths as the voices started to die down. “Alone. I need to process alone. Can you get out of my head for, like, five minutes?”

The Squip smiled at me and brought a hand up next to its face.  _ “Of course.”  _ It snapped and smiled before disappearing. 

The silence was deafening. I brought myself back to my feet and slumped into a table by the historical fiction section. 

Something started moving towards me, so I brought my head up.

Red. A red hoodie that was too big for her frame. Red ends of long hair. A red backpack with words scribbled all over it. Her favorite color. 

“Mikey?” 

She turned around and stared at me for a second, like she was looking at a car crash. Mikey then shook her head and began to walk down the end of the aisle.

I stood up and ran over to her, her sleeve felt so soft against my hand. “Oh my god, I’m so glad to see you!” 

She spun around and ripped her arm away from me. Her face was pink and her glasses were all crooked from her ripping her headphones off too fast. They hung around her neck, music playing from them softly.

“Really? So you haven’t been avoiding me for weeks? Almost months?” Mikey’s voice shook with an anger I had only heard once before. 

The day before I walked over to her house to drop off the World History homework in freshman year. 

The day before I found her-

“Don’t you have anything to say?” She asked, the paper in her hand almost ripping apart from how hard she was holding it.

“What are you talking about? I haven’t seen you since-” 

Oh my God. 

“-Reactivate.” 

The Squip appeared beside me as Mikey gawed at me. 

_ “It’s called optic nerve blocking.” _

“Why haven’t I seen Mikey since- wait, what?” I scrunched up my nose.

_ “I have access to your optic nerves. I have been blocking Mikey from your field  _ _ of vision.”  _ The Squip said as it crossed its arms over its chest.

“Jeremy? Why are you standing there all creepy and stuff?” She backed up, arms raised like she was afraid I was going to hit her.

I’d never hurt Mikey on purpose.

The Squip grabbed my shoulder and pointed to my friend.  _ “Mikey is a link to Jeremy 1.0. To upgrade, you have to be willing to make sacrifices.” _

“Seriously, what’s up with you? You’ve been acting shady ever since…” Mikey trailed off and looked down at her checkered vans.

She laughed to herself and whispered, “It worked, didn’t it?” 

Mikey looked back up at me and smiled. It was so bright and genuine. “Jeremy! That’s amazing! We gotta test it, we gotta celebrate, we gotta– get stoned in my basement!”

Suddenly, Mikey paused just like Brookes had outside. 

_ “Jeremy. It’s time to make a choice. Be more chill, or be with Mikey?” _

Was the Squip right? Was the friendship I had with Mikey something that needed to be sacrificed if I wanted anything more out of life?

I already knew what it was like to be the loser. I wanted to find out what it was like to not be the loser. 

I didn’t want to be special, I just wanted to be as chill as life would allow.

Ever since middle school, I had felt inconsequential. These few weeks with the Squip were one of the only times that I could remember feeling good about myself in a public setting. Or in a private one, at that. 

I was tired of feeling lonely in my own head. I was tired of walking through the hallways and being surrounded by people, yet feeling so alone. 

I’d had enough. I was done with being the loser, the geek, or whatever. 

Mikey always told me that it was fine to be weird, but it just made me feel worse about myself. She was able to just sit with her headphones on and live with life. I couldn’t sit in class without worrying if someone was judging me. It sucked. I sucked. I was tired of sucking. 

I had tried listening to myself my whole life. It was my father’s golden rule, “follow your instincts.” Well, mine fu cking sucked. 

The Squip seemed to know what it was doing, why should I listen to it?

It honestly felt weird listening to it, but it got Brookes to think that I was cool. I had to try this. I deserved to not be the odd man out for once. 

But, if it did work out with Chrissy, would I have been able to say that I abandoned Mikey?

No, that’s what the old Jeremy would have thought. I just had to mute my own voice in my head and listen to this other one. 

It was my turn to be player one. It was my turn to be the cool guy. 

I was sick of being the weirdo, the wuss, the misfit, the oddball, the freak, the failure, the sucker, the “please don’t speak!”

I wasn’t going to be the loser, geek, or whatever ever again. 

I tried to be genuine and true, but it was time for something new. 

“Gimme that upgrade,” I said while reaching for the Squip’s hand.

“Jeremy? Are you coming?” Mikey’s smile fell as she watched my hand reach for the Squip in front of me. 

“Optic nerve blocking on.” 

She disappeared as soon as my hand touched the Squip’s.

_ “Now, let’s get to work.”  _ It pulled me out of the library.

The color red didn't mean anything anymore.


	18. Mikey IX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when your best friend chooses drugs over you, smh
> 
> when there's actually a sane adult in a fanfic *pikachu face*

I walked into the library and sat by a table. “No Woman No Cry.” blasted in my ears. 

Someone tapped my shoulder. I paused my music and slid the headphones down.

“Miss Smith!” 

She smiled at me and sat down across from me. “Mikey, I’m so glad that you could make it. I just had some questions that I wanted to ask you.”

I drummed my fingers against the table as my backpack started to fall onto my leg under the table. “Sure, what’s up?”

Miss Smith pulled out a small pack of papers and a tiny stock card. 

She sighed and then looked up at me. “I’m not exactly sure how to start.” 

My laugh was a little too high pitched. “Well, if you could tell me what we were talking about, that would be great.”   


Some of her blonde hair fell into her face as she looked down at the packet of paper. 

“I guess that I should start with this,” She said under her breath. Miss Smith slid the packet of paper across the table to me. 

I took it and started reading it. “Miss Smith, I-”

“I know that you haven’t really been working on your essay. Normally, you would have turned it in a week after I told you about it. What’s stopping you?”

I leaned back in my chair and looked away. There wasn’t a real reason that I hadn’t done it, I just didn’t have the energy to do it. I didn’t feel like doing much of anything anymore. There wasn’t a reason to. 

“I know that you are a fantastic writer, I mean. This poem you wrote during our metaphor unit, I submitted it into a contest. You got first place. You won five hundred dollars, and they want to see if you can write anything else.”

Miss Smith reached into her purse and pulled out the printed piece of paper that I forgot all of those Mondays ago. 

_ "Sit on the floor with me. _

_ I can't see through the haze up there. _

_ I keep choking on the smoke. _

_ Sit on the floor with me. _

_ You don't have to watch the flames lick my body. _

_ You can keep on laughing and talking to the firemen. _

_ Sit on the floor with me. _

_ I can't feel anything past the ashes. _

_ I don't know what else to do besides sitting. _

_ Sit on the floor with me. _

_ You don't have to pay attention to me. _

_ You don't have to bring me water. _

_ Sit on the floor with me. _

_ I just don't want to be left to burn alone." _

I stared at the paper. It was all crinkled and had some coffee stains on it. “You submitted this?”

“I typed it up on my computer and emailed it as a submission to them. I explained that this was something that one of my students had written and that I was doing this because I believed in them.” She tapped the paper.

My bag had completely fallen over and was resting on my foot by now. It felt like a weight keeping me down. All I wanted to do was run. I wanted to run away from this. Things like this didn’t happen to people like me. 

“Mikey, you did this. All I did was give you a push. Please, use this momentum and write that essay. It’s due on November tenth, and that isn’t too far from now. Halloween is Friday, right?”

I nodded grimly. I already knew that I was probably going to spend this Halloween all alone.

“Then please, try to write it. I know that you have to have something to write about. I mean, I didn’t even know that you were mixed-race until one of the other teachers brought it up after seeing your mom for a consultation.”

“Miss Smith, I can’t accept this money. I just-”

She slammed her hand down on the table. “Mikey, no!”

I flinched. She saw. 

Miss Smith’s expression softened and she pulled her hand off of the slick wood. “Sorry. I just- You’re a good kid. You always get your work done, and you never cause trouble in class. Some of the stuff that you’ve made for me has been fantastic. Grading is now fun for me, I always save your papers for last because I love them so much. You have so much talent, and you deserve to get things for your achievements.”

I looked away. My mother would have never let me keep the money.

“Hey-” Miss Smith put her warm hand on my cold one. “-if this is about something else, you know that you can trust me, right?”

I shook my head. “Miss Smith, I think that I really should be leaving now.” 

“Mikey, I’ve seen some things while you were in my class that really worried me. I mean, one day you came in with a burn mark on your forehead. Granted, I only saw it because you pinned your bangs back for the essay portion of our test, but it was there.”

My breath hitched in my throat. No. This wasn’t happening.

“Mikey, is there something going on at home?”

“Miss Smith, I really should be leaving now. I’ll talk to you tomorrow about the essay, ok? But I just- I can’t accept the prize money.” 

She sighed and moved her hand away from mine. “Alright, I’ll let you go. But please, if there is a problem, you know that you can talk to me, right?

I half smiled and nodded. 

Miss Smith stood up and tucked the stock card back into her purse. “You can take the pamphlet and poem. Just, stay safe, ok?”

She stood up and walked out of the library, curls bouncing and dress flowing behind her. 

I sighed and sat at the table for a minute before heading into the historical fiction section. The door was at the other end of the row, and my car was parked right outside. 

A buzz went off in my back pocket. I stopped and checked to see what it was. 

_ @jakeyd: halloween party at my house on thursday. popular kids and theater geeks only. @dustin_k, bring the kegs _

Oh, Twitter, what would the world ever do without you? Text people directly? God, only peasants did that.  __

I hit play on my music and moved to put my headphones back on when I saw someone out of the corner of my eye. The blue backpack next to the person looked eerily familiar. 

“Mikey?” 

I turned around and froze. 

Jeremy Heere was sitting at the end of the historical section in the library. He wore a half- on grey windbreaker and a black and white Eminem shirt. His jeans were cuffed, and he had gelled his hair back so it looked completely straight.

If it wasn’t for that faded, blue backpack with “LOVEB” written on it and that squeaky voice, I wouldn’t have recognized him. 

I didn’t recognize him. That was not my Jeremy.

Warmth started pricking the backs of my eyes. I turned around and turned up the music as loud as it would go. 

“Good friends we have, oh, good friends we've lost, Along the way, In this great future, you can't forget your past,” blasted in my ears as Mr. Marley sang his heart out.

A hand wrapped around my bicep and tried to pull me back. “Oh my god, I’m so glad to see you!” 

I spun around and ripped my arm away from him. My hand shot up and ripped the headphones off of my face and let them rattle around my neck. I could just hear the song continue over the sound of my heart pounding.

Jeremy looked at me confused. His face was all scrunched up, those freckles like constellations on his pale face. His beautifully blue eyes scanned my face, looking for an answer for my rage. One piece of hair fell out of line, it quivered above his eyebrow as he stood before me.

Now he looked like my Jeremy, but was he even mine anymore?

“Really? So you haven’t been avoiding me for weeks? Almost months?” An anger that had been bottled up in my chest started to seep out in my voice. 

It felt like there was venom on my tongue.

I had only yelled at him like this one time before. The day before he found me in my downstairs bathroom.

And he just stood there, mouth agape. Just like last time. 

“Don’t you have anything to say?” I gripped the packet Miss Smith had given me. 

“What are you talking about? I haven’t seen you since- Reactivate.” 

What the hell was he reactivating?

“Why haven’t I seen Mikey since- wait what?” Jeremy said to the bookshelf next to him. He looked mad, like he was going to hurt someone. 

“Jeremy? Why are you standing there all creepy and stuff?” I backed up, legs itching to run.

He continued to stare off at the bookshelf. After a minute, his eyes landed on me and tried to look for something that I didn’t even know was there.

“Seriously, what’s up with you? You’ve been acting shady ever since…” I thought back to that night at the mall, and those weird text messages I had gotten before school that Monday. “It worked, didn’t it?” 

This wasn’t Jeremy, this was his pill. He was still there, just distracted by the new thing floating around in his blood. 

All of the anger left my body. This wasn’t an act of hatred, this was a misunderstanding. “Jeremy! That’s amazing! We gotta test it, we gotta celebrate, we gotta– get stoned in my basement!”

Jeremy bit his lip and then looked me up and down. He shook his head and then glanced at the bookshelf next to him.

“Gimme that upgrade,” He said while reaching for something that wasn’t there.

“Jeremy? Are you coming?” The smile on my face fell as I watched his hands grasp something that I couldn’t see.

“Optic nerve blocking on.” 

What the hell was optic nerve blocking?

Jeremy left the library, not answering my desperate shouts. 

What had that Squip done to my Jeremy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *the poem is from a person i follow on wattpad, zi horst. i think their stuff is good. they posted this to their tumblr tho*


	19. Jeremy X

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't do drinking underage or i will find you and yell at you
> 
> am very scary

_ “Jeremy, you need to hurry up if you wish to arrive at the party before the more intense partying starts. I have been keeping track of your peers' social media accounts, and Dustin Kropp is almost there with the kegs.” _

I shoved on the blocky leg for my cyborg costume and stood up. The blue trimming and grey blocks that I had put on it looked nice. With the Squips instruction, it turned out great. 

“Ok, so how am I going to get to the party, exactly?”

_ “You have your driver’s license, correct?”  _ The Squip looked at me expectantly.

“Yeah, but there was a reason that I got a ride to school everyday, before I started taking the bus, I mean.” 

The Squip put its hands together and held them in front of its face like it was about to pray.  _ “Jeremy, I am able to control all of your bodily movements, I can drive us to the party.” _

“Oh-” I looked down, a tad embarrassed. “-I didn’t think of that. Shouldn’t I ask my dad first? If I can use the car, I mean?”

The Squip's eyes flashed to a source code screen, its flowy hair briefly standing up like it had been electrocuted.

_ “I have run the calculations, and you asking your father only has a seventeen percent chance of him letting you take the car. It will be more efficient to just take it without asking for permission. He keeps the keys in the bowl by the front door, correct?” _

I nodded.

_ “Well then, I believe that we have come to the correct decision?” _

With a sigh, I grabbed my phone and headed downstairs. The keys were right in the white and blue bowl, where he had left them after work. 

The Squip took over as soon as I shut the car door. It was kind of cool to see everything whizz by while knowing that nothing bad would happen. 

Tonight was going to be great. 

It parked the small Honda on the street, the lock chirped as I entered Jake Dillinger’s house for the party.

Everybody had a red solo cup filled up, beer spilt all over the ground. People were talking to each other and smoking up, or comparing how many drinks they had downed. All of the songs had heavy electronic music that went “WHOOP.” They were all full of “whoops,” and all I could think was to turn it up! 

Teenagers stumbled to the sound of heavy speakers and bad decisions being made. This party was a great excuse to put our young bodies through terrible abuse. There was a high likelihood that I was going to pass out, but that was alright. I was ready to party like it was the end of the world.

Jenna Roland ran past me to talk to the DJ, her clown costume genuinely scared me until I realized that it wasn’t me she was after.  “This song sucks! Play some ‘Monster Mash’!”

I shook my head and walked over to the kitchen. Rich Goranski and Jake Dillinger were talking in the corner while Brookes Lohst was holding a red cup in his hand and checking his phone.

“Hey, Brookes!”

He looked up and smiled, dog ears flopping in his face. “I was afraid you weren’t coming. Did you get my messages?”

The Squip had told me to turn my phone on silent. I hadn’t checked it all night. What was I going to say to him?

_ “Play it off, there wasn’t a time on the invite, afterall.” _

I shrugged and looked at Brookes. “Am I late? Didn’t even realize.”   


He frowned and took my hand. “Oh, well what do you think of my costume? I figured, you always see sexy cats, but no one ever goes as a sexy dog.”

“Its-”

The Squip looked at Brookes up and down, squinting and screwing up its features. _“Vague compliment.”_ _  
_ “-Original.” 

Brookes rugged shoulder sagged, creasing the skintight brown jumpsuit.

Panic rose in my chest. “I mean amazing! Seriously, I can’t believe I’m here with a guy that looks like you.”

Brookes rolled his eyes and grabbed my hand. “Chloe said it was dumb. You need a drink.”

We walked over to the living room. Brookes had me wait by the staircase as he got the drinks. Jake came in with Rich, talking about something. 

Rich kept on twitching and trying to hide it, but he didn’t have any pockets to put his hands into. Jake was too drunk to notice. 

“Did you see the look on his face? He thought I had stood him up.” I whispered to the Squip who was standing beside me, looking at the party scene.

_ “And he was so excited when he realized you hadn’t. People want what they  _ _ don’t have. Look who’s here.”  _ The Squip pointed to the front door. 

Chrissy walked in wearing an impressive jester costume. They timidly walked over to Jake and tapped him on the shoulder.  “Sorry I’m late.”

Jake shrugged and readjusted the chain on his neck. “Didn’t even realize. It’s all good.”

“Oh ok-” Chrissy paused as they looked Jake up and down. “-I thought we were going as a jester and a prince?”

He held up the chain that had a loopy symbol on it. “Right, I’m Prince. What are you?”

Chrissy sighed and shook their head. “I’m a Renaissance- Nevermind.” 

Brookes came back over and handed me a red solo cup. “Here you go, have you had beer before?”

_ “Lie.” _

“Oh yeah, totally.” I took a sip and tried not to cough on the bitter, foamy flavor.

“Wow, Jeremy Heere drinking underaged. I never would have thought.”

I laughed and pulled him onto the dance floor. “Don’t Fear the Reaper” started blasting from the speakers.

Jake also got on the floor. He spotted me with Brookes from across the room and beckoned me to come closer.

“Uh, what is he doing?” I nudged Brookes in the side as he swung his hips to the beat. 

“He’s challenging you to a dance off. He tries to dance everyone just to show that he’s better at everything than everyone. You don’t have to if-”

_ “You’re dancing against Jake.”  _ A shock of electricity went through me as I started moving across the floor to Jake.

I looked back and saw Brookes laugh with his eyes wide open. I managed to wink to show him that everything was fine, but I did not think that everything was fine. 

“Oh, so you wanna dance?” Jake took off his purple jacket and threw it onto the white couch.

I nodded my head, hoping that the Squip was going to help me out.

_ “Oh, Jeremy. This is what I was made for.”  _ It rolled up its bomber jacket sleeves and rolled its neck around. Those digitized blue eyes looked strangely familiar with the playful look on its face. 

I still hadn’t figured out who it looked like.

Jake started doing a shuffle before he did a small backflip in the air.

My hands went to the grimy floor and held me up. My torso rolled as I gently hit the ground with the fronts of my hips. Then, I rolled back and sprung up, hands out and gesturing for Jake to bring it. 

Jake rolled his head and put a hand on the floor. Tapping and bouncing his feet against the floor, he pivoted on his hand. 

The crowd cheered.

_ “Trust me, Jeremy.” _

__ I nodded and took a deep breath. 

My hands touched the floor against, spinning me and placing me on my shoulder blades. I kept on spinning, moving around the floor with my legs never touching the ground as I rotated from front to back. All of the momentum started gradually decreasing, having me spin on my back. I paused and rolled my body, jerking me off of the ground and having me stand on two feet. 

I didn’t use my hands to touch the floor.

“HELL YEAH, JEREMY!” Brookes screamed from the back.

Other people started cheering too. Jake nodded and stuck out his hand for me to shake.

I accepted it because I wanted to be nice, and dizziness had overtaken me again. 

Brookes walked over and gave me a big hug. “That was amazing, I had no idea that you could dance.”

“Yeah-” I took in a deep breath while looking at the Squip. “-I didn’t think I could either.”

The Squip winked at me while Brookes laughed. 

“Hey, I think that I’m gonna go talk to Jenna about something really quick, do you mind waiting by the staircase?”

I shook my head. “Of course not, right across from the drink table?”

He nodded and smiled. “Thanks, Jeremy. I’ll be right back, I promise.” 

I laughed and nodded. It was cooler over by the staircase, and I was burning up in my heavy costume.

My back leaned against the picture clad wall as I watched the party. Someone walked up to the drink table. They looked just like my Squip in a homemade halloween costume, if my Squip was human colored and decided to curl its hair. 

I was just about to walk over and ask who they were when Chloe Valentine grabbed my arm.

“Jeremy!” She said.

“Oh, hey. What’s up?”

Chloe fiddled with her bonnet string. “Brookes said that he wanted me to get you. You’re bi, right?”

I took a step back, confused. “Uh, yeah. Why?”

She shook her head, her long braid flopping against her bib. “No reason, I’m just supposed to get you.”

“Ok? Well, what kind of surprise?”

“The kind where you don’t ask me questions and follow me upstairs,” She huffed and grabbed my wrist. 

As we headed up the stairs, I heard Rich yelling from down below. Something about Mountain Dew. Maybe he was trying to get a second Squip. I’d have to ask him about that later.

We turned the corner into a dark hallway, the warm feeling the beer had given me was starting to fade away, and a headache was started to come into focus.


	20. Mikey X

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw mentions of rape, mentions of child abuse, mentions of self harm, mentions of injury, child abuse
> 
> poor bb, someone give this child love and affection

No online forums had anything about Squips. It was like these things didn’t even exist. 

Nadia and the she-demon were talking about something upstairs, so as long as I put it away before they saw, I could use my computer as much as I wanted.

I decided to take a break from scouring Google and play some Warcraft. Some guy had messaged me about trading some raid gear. I didn’t need the extra pair, so I accepted. 

We played for a while until he said that he just wanted to talk to someone. 

I honestly did too, so I turned on the voice chat and just sat back.

“Yeah man, I’m just going through some shit right now,” Derek said over the mic. 

“Me too, what’s bothering you?”

“Whoa, you’re a girl?”

I rolled my eyes. “Yes, girls play video games too, Smart Ass.”

“No, it’s just I thought because of your username being ‘theurinalrule’ that you would have been a dude.”

I laughed. “Nah, I just like confusing people, I guess.”

“Alright, that’s fine. Anyway. Can I just, like, talk? I don’t really have anyone to talk to anymore, so yeah.”

“Talk away, I don’t have anything going on.” I laid down in my bed and just listened to him talk about his brother. 

Apparently, his brother had gotten caught up in some weird drug deal with his friends. He was doing great in school and even got into Harvard after being a straight D student. It was really weird, but their parents were happy. Derek just noticed that his brother started acting weird. (This was before they knew he was on drugs.) Freshman year, his brother had a meltdown and had to be sent to a mental hospital.

“Yeah, it just sucks. He was really my only friend. I know how strange that sounds, only having one friend, but I just didn’t have anyone else.”

“Oh, don’t even get me started-” I sat up, hands curled into fists. “-My old friend got this thing called a Squip and just abandoned me. I don’t even know what to-”

“Hold on, did you say a Squip?”

I paused, turning up the volume on my computer headphones. “Yeah? Why?”

“You need to get your friend help. That’s what my brother took.”

My heart dropped. Was Jeremy going to end up in the hospital?

“Dude, grab a pen or whatever, fuck, I dunno, and write this shit down. I’m about to tell you how my brother started getting help.”

I scrambled for my phone and pulled out the notes app. “Ok, go.”

“You need to find some Mountain Dew Red. I found his dealer and apparently that turns the Squip off. You also have to get him to drink it, the Squip is probably going to try and fight you about it. Maybe get him drunk or something. Just, like, find a way to impair him, I guess.”

My fingers flew at the speed of light as I punched the letters on my phone. My heart was pounding so fast.

“My brother had it for too long. I only figured out what he took after he started screaming about a Squip. He hurt himself trying to get it out. You gotta keep your friend from getting to that point. Please, if you care about this kid at all, get the Squip out before they try to.”

“Derek?” I looked up from my phone, scared and shaky.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you. Really, I had no idea what he was getting into when he bought it. It was just like, he took it and then I didn’t exist.”

“Oh, yeah. Those things can do that. I was blocked from my brother's field of vision entirely. And don’t worry. I’m glad that I could help. Just don’t get hurt, can’t lose my trading buddy.”

“Yeah-” I laughed. “-can’t have that.”

“Ok, I’m going to let you go. Get some of that soda, and you should be able to get your friend back.”

A small smile crept onto my face at the thought of that. I just wanted my Jeremy back.

“Will do, trade with you soon.” 

The call ended with a small beep. 

I ran to my dresser and rummaged through different shirts. I had a black long sleeves and a green fabric marker in my desk drawer.

“Creeps” was a Halloween thing to write on it, right? In big block letters, I wrote the word in big block letters and let it dry while I looked for some pants. 

I had the blue jeans with the bandana pattern half on when my phone chimed. During my chat with Derek, I messaged Grace saying that it was important that I bought some Mountain Dew red immediately.

_ Link To The Past: I have one two-liter left. I look like shit, but if you meet me at the highschool, I can give it to you. _

_ Me: THANK YOU. _

_ Me: Seriously, you are a lifesaver, I’ll be there as soon as I get ready. _

I shoved myself through the pant legs and buttoned it closed. With the shirt tucked in, the belt would work better. 

The bathroom door opened with a crack as I ran in. Where was it?

Tonight was the Halloween party at Jake’s house. If I put on some makeup and wore the contacts I got for court, I seriously doubted that anyone would be able to tell that it was me. 

I dabbed the foundation over my few freckles and the mole on my lip. It was basically a freckle, just bigger, so it was like it never existed after I smoothed the liquid over it. 

The mascara glided on without getting too clumpy, and the chapstick I had on made my lips look kind of glossy.

This might actually work. 

I reached under the sink and grabbed my curling iron. No one showed up to parties until later, definitely not at 7:00 at night, so I had some time. 

I parted my hair to the side and made sure that my bangs were extra fluffy after the curling iron was placed back under the sink. 

In my sports bra, I could see my Pac-Man tattoo on my right shoulder. I smiled.

Pac-Man was going to find her Blinky.

The black long sleeve was dry by now, I shoved it on. The adrenaline rush I was on was too strong for me to feel anything.

I grabbed my wallet, keys, phone, and ran up the stairs. The door flung open and I ran into the kitchen, sock-clad feet sliding across the hardwood floor. I just had to put my shoes on and then it would be fine. 

I was going to get my Jeremy back.

The left shoe had just gotten onto my foot when I was able to hear the yelling from upstairs.

“I READ THE FUCKING COURT REPORTS. YOU CALLED THE POLICE NOT BECAUSE HE HAD BROKEN THREE OF HER BONES, NOT BECAUSE HE WAS PINNING HER DOWN AFTER SNAPPING HER GLASSES IN HALF TO CUT HER WITH THEM. NO, YOU CALLED THEM BECAUSE HE WAS ABOUT TO RAPE HER, BUT HE WOULDN'T HAVE SEX WITH YOU.”

“SHE’S A FILTHY LITTLE SLOB THAT DIDN’T DESERVE HIS ATTENTION.”

“HER TEACHER EMAILED ME SAYING THAT YOU GAVE HER BURNS ON HER FOREHEAD. THAT MY DAUGHTER WAS BEING ABUSED UNDER MY ROOF-”

“I WAS TEACHING HER A LESSON.”

“YOU WERE BEING AN ABUSIVE FUCK HEAD, YOU NASTY BITCH.”   


“I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME.”

“I THOUGHT THAT YOU WEREN'T A MONSTER.”

“YOU’RE JUST SIDING WITH HER BECAUSE YOU FEEL BAD.”

“YEAH, I FEEL BAD THAT I FELL IN LOVE WITH A CHILD ABUSER. GET YOUR SHIT AND LEAVE. YOU MOVED IN HERE WITH MY ADOPTIVE DAUGHTER. YOU ARE TRESPASSING. GET THE FUCK OUT.”

Fast footsteps started flying down the steps. My mother came down, face red and hair falling out of her ponytail. Nadia stood on the steps, throwing clothes at her.

“ALL OF THESE THINGS YOU MADE ME BUY YOU BECAUSE YOU SAID IT WAS THE ONLY WAY THAT YOU KNEW I LOVED YOU. YOU PIECE OF SHIT. I’M GOING TO MAKE SURE THAT YOUR ASS ROTS IN JAIL.”

My mother’s disheveled gaze fell on me. 

“You.” She stalked forward, putting her hand in her pocket. 

“GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HER, AMELIA, YOU WHORE.”

I was frozen in place. My heart had crawled up into my throat, and my stomach had dropped to my feet. 

She grabbed my shoulder and pulled me in so she could whisper in my ear. 

“If you’re going to kill yourself, do it right. Loser.” My mother pressed the bottle of antidepressants into my hand and pushed me back, a sadistic smile gracing her face. 

Nadia screamed for her to get away from me, but I just ran out of the door. 

I slid into the driver’s seat of my PT Cruiser, pill bottle still in hand. It launched from my hand and into the passenger’s side as I screamed. 

I just needed to put the key in and fucking drive. 

I put the garage door up and pulled out of the driveway. The highschool was only a song away, but I didn’t turn on the radio. 

So that’s what she had behind her back. 

I pulled into the highschool parking lot, headlights bouncing off of the brick building.

Grace sat on the sidewalk next to the library exit. Her snapback was all crooked, and she looked like she had just been crying. “Mikey! There you are, I thought that you weren’t going to show up.”

“Sorry, I got caught up in something. Do you have the soda? I need it really bad.”

Grace pulled it out of the brown paper bag beside her. “Why do you need it so bad?”

I groaned and pointed to my car. “I’m kinda in a hurry, so I have to explain the whole thing?”

“This is about your friend that got hurt, isn’t it? You really care about him.” She tossed the bottle to me. 

It almost fell out of my hands as I wrapped both arms around it. “How much?”

“Nah-” She shook her head. “-Just answer my question.”

I nodded.

“Do you love him?”

The soda almost fell from my hands again. 

She laughed. “Oh, you’re at that part. That’s right before the fun part. Then you guys start dating, and then it all goes to shit because she leaves to go to work across the country, and you probably won’t ever see her again.”

Grace started crying, burying her face in her hands. 

I walked over and wrapped my arm around her. “Hey, it’s going to be ok. I mean, maybe talk to her. If you’re this serious about Adanna, then maybe you could make long distance work.”

She sniffed. “You think?”

I nodded and rubbed her shoulders some more. 

“Thank you, Mikey. Now, go save your boy toy.” She grabbed my wrist and moved my arm off of her shoulder. 

Heat started rising up in my cheeks as I stood up. “Thanks,” I murmured.

“Just don’t get your heart broken, or I’ll have to beat him up.”

I laughed as I got in the car. Jeremy couldn’t break my heart if he didn’t have it. 

Right?


	21. Jeremy XI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw sexual assault
> 
> goddamn, no one is a good person

Chloe kept her hand wrapped around my wrist the entire way to the room. She dragged me into a large bedroom and closed the door behind us. 

“Jake’s parents' room. Don’t worry, they aren’t using it.”

I looked around as I sat on the edge of the bed. “You really know your way around.”

“Yeah, I’ve had sex in pretty much every room in this house,” Chloe said as she sat down next to me. 

My hands came up to my chest as I tried to get the terrible image out of my mind. Next to me, my Squip let out a dark laugh. 

“Because I dated Jake! God, what kind of slut do you think I am?” She brought her baby bottle to her lips and started chugging from it. 

I tapped my fingers against my thighs, right over where my Blinky tattoo was. A strange feeling started spreading in my chest. It felt like something bad was about to happen. “Hey, where’s Brookes?”

Chloe tilted her head back and laughed. “Oh, you’re adorable-” She snapped her neck back down and whispered into her bottle, “-he’s not coming,”

“He’s not? Then why am I-” I stopped when Chloe started inching closer to my face.

“Do you wanna hang for a bit? Just you and me, intimately, talking about our feelings and shit.” 

She took off her bonnet and threw it across the room. “Do you wanna get really deep? We could connect, if I get wrecked. You could rock this baby fast asleep.”

Her hands started playing with the hem of my cyborg shirt. It felt so wrong and terrible. I wanted to crawl out of my skin.

“I have to go-” I tried to stand up, but my legs wouldn’t move. “-I can’t stand up?”

I looked over at the Squip in a panic. It just smiled and said, _“You’re welcome.”_

Chloe dragged her pink tipped fingers along my cheek. “No offense, but I don’t understand why he’s so crazy about you. You’re not even that cute.”

“None taken. Now, please, just-”

Chloe cut me off. “You know he’s not that innocent. That wounded puppy routine? It’s how he gets all the guys. Acts all helpless so they want to protect him. Not that I care.”

I leaned back and stared at her. “You’re jealous of Brookes, a gay guy?”

“Um. Obviously, I’m not.” Chloe brought her hands down from my face in disgust.

“That’s insane! Why would you be jealous of anyone? You’re the most objectively attractive girl in school-” I snapped my mouth shut as Chloe looked at me with half-lidded eyes. “-Did I just say that out-”

She cut me off by pressing her alcohol coated lips against mine.

I tried pushing her off of me, but I couldn’t do much with my legs paralyzed. “Make it stop! Please!” I cried to the Squip.

It cocked its head and gave me a confused look. _“I don’t understand that request.”_

Chloe pulled away from me and laughed. “Don’t you wanna stop being coy? Don’t you wanna get inside this diaper, Boy?”

I was too horrified to do anything but sit there. 

She shoved the bottle in my mouth. “It’s not actually milk.”

I gagged as the burning liquid slipped down my throat. Even after looking to the Squip for help, none came. 

All of those push ups really were for nothing. 

The Squip twisted its wrist, and suddenly my lips crashed against Chloe’s. She snaked her hand up to grab my hair and pull it a little as she tried to get her tongue in my mouth.

Chloe jumped off of me when someone knocked at the door. “Jeremy? Are you in there? Jenna said that she saw you go upstairs with Chloe.”

Chloe and I stayed quiet, only the sounds of our heavy breathing filled the room. 

“Jeremy?” Brookes asked from behind the door.

After a few minutes, the knocking stopped. 

“If Jenna Roland saw us-”

“Jenna Roland should mind her own business.” Chloe started taking her bib off, leaving her in just the diaper and a bralette.

Anger started pounding in my aching forehead. “Brookes is going to find out, don’t you care?”

Chloe grabbed the hem of my shirt again. “You’re less cute when you’re talking.”

I looked over at the Squip. “Help me out here!”

_“Konichiwa!”_ It smiled and clasped its hands together.

“What the-”

It started glitching and beeping. _“Sorry, Jeremy. After a few drinks, my kangae gets all scrambled.”_ _  
_

“Then why did you let me drink anything?” I yelled as Chloe continued to take off my shirt. 

_“It was important you take advantage of the furīsekkusu. You’ll thank me ato. Kare no basu no ryō wa tenmongaku-teki desu.”_

Chloe pulled my shirt off and sat back on her heels. “Ok, I’ve had enough of you yelling at the vanity-”

Violent pounding came from the bedroom door. “JEREMY HEERE?”

“Oh-” Chloe said as she put her hands on my bare chest. “-the fun begins.”

“Is that- Jake?” I looked up at Chloe.

“JEREMY. I know that you are NOT having sex on my parents' bed because if you were, I’d have to rip your balls off!”

Chloe pushed me farther down into the mattress. “GREAT, THEN YOU CAN BOTH BE BALL-LESS!”

There was a long pause at the door before Jake said, “Chloe?”

The doorknob rattled as he tried to open it from the outside, but Chloe had locked it, apparently. Then, the wood started to bend from Jake throwing his weight against it. 

My heart was beating so hard underneath Chloe’s sharp manicure. Why me?

“YOU HEAR THAT? I’M HAVING HOT SEX WITH JEREMY ALL OVER YOUR PARENTS’ LINENS!” Chloe screamed at the door.

“No, we’re not, I swear we’re not!” I pleaded as soon as Chloe let the lie fall out of her mouth.

The thudding against the door stopped for a minute. 

“Maybe he believed me and went away.” 

Chloe and I both jumped when a fist smashed through the window. 

_“Kei-koku, kei-koku.”_ My Squip beeped in the corner next to the vanity, eyes source code blue.

“You’re fucking DEAD, Jeremy!” Jake started pulling himself into the room. 

Chloe jumped back onto my stomach and straddled me. “Go away, we’re too busy screwing!”

This time, I managed to push Chloe off of me. I grabbed my shirt and bolted towards the door.

Brookes was standing with tears in his eyes as I opened it. 

“Jeremy?” 

“Brookes! I-” I turned around as a thud came from behind me.

“JEREMY!” Jake screamed as he got up from the floor.

I whipped around to see that Brookes had reached out to touch my back. “Your back-”

“Brookes, I am so sorry.” I pushed him aside and ran down the hall. Jake’s heavy footsteps trailing behind me.

“I’ll kill you, Jeremy! Oh man, I shouldn’t have drank so much Peach Schnapps.” The sound of glass shattering came from behind me as I turned the corner and ran into the bathroom.

“Come on. Lock. Lock, Goddammit!” My voice cracked as I got the door to lock with a click.

I sighed and tried shoving my shirt back on. My hands ran up to my head as I tried to push the image of Chloe on top of me and Brookes crying out of my mind. 

Why did I have to mess everything up?

My feet wandered over to the edge of the tub, and I sat down, lost in a semi drunk daze. 

The air around me felt heavy as I held back a sob. This was terrible. 

A cold hand clapped down on mine. I jumped up and screamed, running to sit on top of the sink. 

Someone pulled themselves up from the bathtub. 

Someone that looked just like my Squip, but in human form. 

Long hair that came down to her elbows, and wispy bangs. No moles or freckles. Face free of glasses. Gorgeous brown eyes, and a mouth that could either chew you out or sing you to sleep. 

“Sup,” Mikey said as she pulled herself out of the tub. 

“Mikey? I didn’t know that you were invited to this party.” I slinked down from the sink.

“I wasn’t. That’s why I’m wearing this clever disguise.” She gestured to her shirt and jeans.

“I realized that most people were going to be so wasted that if I just put on some concealer, took off my glasses and curled my hair, then I would basically be a new person. One kid asked if I was an exchange student.” 

All I could do was stare at her. 

Mikey was here, standing before me. She looked different, but she honestly looked beautiful. I missed seeing her mole and glasses, but her red tipped hair looked so pretty down. Especially curled. 

She pushed some of her hair back, letting her bangs flop back down over her forehead. There was a small red spot in the middle of it, I wondered when she got that.

“You’re speechless. Squip got your tongue?”

I shook my head, still unable to get over the fact that she was standing in front of me. “I, uh, no- it’s off.”

She huffed. “That would explain why you’re talking to me.”

Mikey put her hands in her back pockets and walked up to me. I could see that she had written the “CREEPS” on her shirt herself.

“You know, I’ve been thinking about this moment. What I would say to you? I had this really pissed off monologue, an epic journey through twelve years of friendship- What?” She clenched her jaw as she stared back at me. 

I just wanted to reach out and hug her like we used to in elementary school. I just wanted things to be ok. A small part of me knew that I’d probably never get to do that again, that things weren’t going to be ok. 

Another small part of me wondered that even if I did, would it feel the same? Now that she was closer, I could see that she didn’t look soft or huggable anymore. There were almost edges to her face, and her hands looked knobby. Was she ok? I was enthralled to see her, but something was off. 

I just wanted to reach out and hug her to tell her that it would be ok.

“It’s just, really good to see you.” I smiled.

“It won’t be. Once you hear what I found out.”

I frowned. “Found out?”

Mikey tapped the side of her head with her index finger. “About..”

My lips pressed together as I shook my head, trying to get the pounding headache out. “How? There’s nothing on the internet-”

“Which is weird, right? I mean, what’s not on the internet? So I starting asking around. Finally, this guy I play Warcraft with-” She paused and bit her lip like she was remembering something painful. “-told me how his brother went from a straight D student to a freshman at Harvard. You know where he is now?”

I scrunched up my nose. “Really happy and successful?”

Mikey shook her head and crossed her arms. “He’s in a mental hospital.”

All I could hear was the beating of my own heart for a few seconds.

“Totally lost it,” Mikey sighed and leaned against the sink.

“I don’t see what that has to do with-”

She cut me off by grabbing my shoulders. “Think, man! We’re talking an insanely powerful supercomputer. You really think its primary function is to get you laid? Who made them? How did they end up in a high school? In New Jersey? Of all possible applications for such a mind blowingly advanced technology, you ever wonder what it’s doing inside YOU?”

I pulled away from her. “And I thought Chloe was jealous.”

Mikey rolled her eyes and touched her chest with her hand. “I’m honestly asking!”

“Really? Because I think you’re pissed I have one and you don’t!” I jabbed a finger at her.

She shook her head. “Come on-”

“Maybe I got lucky, is that so weird? With my history, I’d say the universe owed me one. And I don’t know about your friend’s brother’s whatever, but if you’re telling me his squip made him crazy-”

“His squip didn’t make him crazy.”

“Oh, well-” I let my hand fall to my side. “-there you go.”

Mikey curled her hands into fists and pressed her lips together. “He went crazy trying to get it out.”

“Then I’ve got nothing to worry about. Why would I want that?” The Squip had pretty much improved my life, why would I want that to go away just because of one bad night?

I moved to leave the bathroom, but Mikey ran in front of me. 

She put her arm against the frame, blocking me.

“Move it.”

“Or you’ll what?” Those brown eyes weren’t so friendly anymore. 

I had started to forget the last time I saw them look so friendly. 

“Get out of my way-” I leaned down to whisper in her ear. “-Loser.”

Mikey’s eyes got all shiny, and she dropped her arm to her side. A small part of me wanted to apologize and comfort her, but it was too late now. 

I left the bathroom and went downstairs to see if there was any way to make this night less awful.


	22. Mikey XI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw mentions to child abuse
> 
> ehehe, it gets worse

I pulled up to Jake’s house and parked behind a tiny Honda. It looked familiar, but I was too amped up on adrenaline to pay much attention. 

The pills had been rattling around on the floor the entire way here, it was driving me crazy how loud they were. It also reminded me of how muggy and nasty her breath had felt against my neck. 

I had to shove those thoughts away. It was time to go save my best friend. 

Leaving the Mountain Dew Red in the car was probably the best decision that I made that night. It would have gotten stolen or all shaken up if I brought it inside to the party.

I opened the door. 

Everyone had a red solo cup, filled up to the brim and sloshing it around. The carpet was going to be trashed. People were talking to each other, smoke filled my vision as I walked across the threshold to the drinks stand. 

The bass of the song resonated in my chest, thumping in tune to the drunk teenagers dancing in the living room. 

So many poor bodies were going to be put through the ringer tonight, I was just hoping that I wouldn’t pass out from the BO and cheap booze.

I stood in line to get a cup when a familiar person caught my eye.

Jeremy. 

He was standing in a cyborg costume that he clearly made himself, but it did fit his personality. 

The way he leaned against the wall wasn’t very much like Jeremy. He normally fidgeted around or checked his phone constantly to make it seem like he was busy. There, he just stood and calmly looked out on the party scene. 

Until Chloe grabbed him by the wrist and led him upstairs. What did Chloe want to do with him? 

I was just about to follow them when a clown pulled at my arm.

“Excuse me, are you an exchange student? I haven’t seen you here before.” Jenna asked me as she pulled me away from the staircase, her flowy costume puffing around her.

“Uh, yeah. I just came over from New York, now if you’ll excuse me.”

She kept her hand clasped around my wrist. “No, I know everyone at school. If you are new, that means I need to find out more about you. What’s your name?”

God, I didn’t think my “clever” disguise would work this well.

“It’s, uh-” I was interrupted by Rich in a Jason mask and loaf of bread running into Jenna at full speed.

“RICH! What the hell?” Jenna rubbed her head as she lied on the floor.

“Sorry, I just can’t. AHH. I need to just, I need some- GODDAMMIT!” He clutched his head and stomped into the kitchen.

I used that as my opportunity to escape. 

Pictures of Jake and his various achievements were hung up on the wall. It was kind of impressive. 

There was a room down the hall that had the door slightly opened. I went inside, a bathroom. 

I was just about to close the door and leave when I heard yelling from the other side of the upstairs. 

“YOU’RE FUCKING DEAD.” 

That was my cue to hide. 

I ran into the bathroom and laid down in the bathtub. My chest heaved up and down as the yelling continued. 

It was like being back with her. Back before the court order. When he still lived with us. The death threats just never stopped.

I had to stop. 

It was fine. This was fine. Everything was going to be fine. I just had to stay here until the yelling stopped. Someone probably just had sex in the wrong room, and Jake was freaking out.

A crash came from down the hallway, and then the bathroom door opened.

“Come on. Lock. Lock, Goddammit!” A croaky voice cried before getting the door to lock.

Heavy footsteps trod over to the bathtub. The person sat on the edge of the tub.

He wore a cyborg costume that he clearly made himself. Oh, Jeremy.

I put a hand on his, and he screamed. Part of me should have felt bad, but he had ignored me for weeks on end.

“Sup,” I said as I pulled myself out of the tub. 

“Mikey? I didn’t know that you were invited to this party.” Jeremy slowly came down from his perch on the Dillingers’ sink.

“I wasn’t. That’s why I’m wearing this clever disguise-” I gestured to my outfit. “-I realized that most people were going to be so wasted that if I just put on some concealer, took off my glasses and curled my hair, then I would basically be a new person. One kid asked if I was an exchange student.” 

Jeremy just gawked at me.

His mouth was slightly open, those soft lips looking a little swollen. Jeremy’s hair was all messy from someone clearly running their fingers through his hair, and his face was all red like he had just been running. Why did it look like he was a model for a stupid Halloween costume?

No. I was mad at him for “optic nerve blocking” me or whatever. I couldn’t think that he was pretty and be mad at him.

I pushed back some of my hair to distract myself from how infuriatingly beautiful he looked. “You’re speechless. Squip got your tongue?”

He shook his head, small bits of hair falling into those wandering eyes. “I, uh, no- it’s off.”

I huffed. “That would explain why you’re talking to me.”

My hands slid into my back pockets as I walked closer to him. I could see those lighter freckles scattered across his nose and forehead.

“You know, I’ve been thinking about this moment. What I would say to you? I had this really pissed off monologue, an epic journey through twelve years of friendship-” I paused when I realized that he was just staring at me. It didn’t look like he was listening to what I was saying at all. ”- What?” 

“It’s just, really good to see you.” He smiled.

“It won’t be. Once you hear what I found out.”

“Found out?”

I tapped the side of my head. “About..”

“How? There’s nothing on the internet-” 

“Which is weird, right? I mean, what’s not on the internet? So I starting asking

around. Finally, this guy I play Warcraft with-” I paused as I remembered how hurt Derek had sounded talking about his brother. “-told me how his brother went from a straight D student to a freshman at Harvard. You know where he is now?”

Jeremy scrunched up his nose. “Really happy and successful?”

“He’s in a mental hospital. Totally lost it.” I sighed and leaned against the sink.

“I don’t see what that has to do with-”

I cut Jeremy off by grabbing his shoulders. “Think, man! We’re talking an insanely powerful supercomputer. You really think its primary function is to get you laid? Who made them? How did they end up in a high school? In New Jersey? Of all possible applications for such a mind blowingly advanced technology, you ever wonder what it’s doing inside YOU?”

He pulled away from me. “And I thought Chloe was jealous.”   


“I’m honestly asking!”

“Really? Because I think you’re pissed I have one and you don’t!” Jeremy glowered at me.

I shook my head, trying to calm down. “Come on-”

“Maybe I got lucky, is that so weird? With my history, I’d say the universe owed me one. And I don’t know about your friend’s brother’s whatever, but if you’re telling me his squip made him crazy-”

“His squip didn’t make him crazy.”

“Oh, well-” Jeremy got quiet. “-there you go.”   


I looked up at him and searched his cold eyes. Where was my Jeremy? I just wanted him back before something bad happened. “He went crazy trying to get it out.”

“Then I’ve got nothing to worry about. Why would I want that?” He moved to leave the bathroom.

No. He couldn’t leave. I needed Jeremy back. I needed him. 

I stood in between him and the door. Those blue eyes had never looked so terrifying.

“Move it,” he barked.

“Or you’ll what?” I tried to hide the shakiness in my voice by staring right back at him.

“Get out of my way-” He leaned down to whisper in my ear. “-Loser.”

The pain that exploded in my chest hurt more than my broken bones or any burns or scratches my parents had given me.

Hot, thick tears started welling up in my eyes as I leaned to the other side of the doorway letting him pass. 

The door closed behind him as I slid to the tile floor, arms shaking and knees weak. 

After a moment, there was a knock on the door.

“Hello? Other people to pee!” Jenna Roland called from outside of the door.

“I’m having my period!” I yelled as I choked back a sob.

“Ah, take your time, Honey.”

I didn’t think that time could heal these wounds.


	23. Jeremy XII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when the only person that you haven't pushed away is a figment of your drug use

I walked down the steps to see Chrissy sitting on the white couch all by themself. A passed out, drunk, kid from my math class was lying on the ground next to them. 

“Hey,” Chrissy said, looking up and waving.

“Yo-” I sat down next to them. “-So, where’s your date?”

Chrissy pulled off the jester’s hat that was atop their head. “He’s having makeup sex with Chloe upstairs.”

I brought my hands into my lap, not knowing what to say. “Sorry.”   


Chrissy laughed and set the hat down on the drunk guy beneath them. “Don’t be. I dumped him.”   


Rich Goranski came up to us, asking for some kind of soda, but I just ignored him. 

“You dumped Jake? Why-” I stopped. This could be more hurtful than good. “-Sorry, you don’t have to-”

A warm hand rested on my knee. “It’s fine. I’m not Juliet, and he’s kinda a jerk, so..”

They trailed off, staring at the fireplace which was now littered with empty red cups.

“SERIOUSLY, WHERE THE FUCK CAN I GET SOME MOUNTAIN DEW RED?” Rich gripped his blond hair with his meaty palms and shook a little.

With the bread in his hand, it looked kind of ridiculous. 

Chrissy and I looked at each other, then burst out laughing. 

Rich stumbled off to go yell at someone else.

“Man, popular people are messed up!” Chrissy wiped their eyes and leaned back against the arm of the couch.

“Seriously,” I sighed.

“I mean, you’re one of them.”

My head snapped over to look at Chrissy, but they just shrugged their shoulders. 

“What? No, I’m not-”

“Hello, guy who has been pucking his way through the cast of Midsummer?”

I shook my head. “I’m not- Pucking?”

“You like that? I just made it up. “ 

Chrissy punched me in the shoulder lightly. “Boo-yeah-” They stopped and returned the confused look I was giving them. “-What?”

“I just- I don’t know what I’m supposed to say right now.”

Chrissy leaned in closer to me and smiled. “Say what’s on your mind?”

I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but all that came out was a garbled whine. 

They gawked at me for a second, my face growing hotter as more time passed.

“Screeeee.” 

I tilted my head. “Gahhhhh?”

“Gloopen!”

The drunk guy below us twitched and yelled, “GREAXENOP.”

Chrissy and I jumped together, holding onto each other to keep from screaming.

The kid from my math class put his head back down on the floor and started snoring. 

The jester and I looked at each other and laughed, breaking apart to sit on our respective sides of the couch. 

“It’s kinda killer to sit and chat with you.” 

I glanced over and saw that Chrissy was looking at me with those deer-like eyes. “Really?”

“It’s true. This is pretty nice, actually.”

“It’s pretty killer and nice for me too.”   


Chrissy smiled. “I’m glad that we both agree.”

I scooted closer and took their hand. “Chrissy, will you go out with me?”

They took their hand away and closed it in a fist. “Jeremy, I- I can’t.”

“What-” My smile fell. “-I thought we were friends-”

“We are! We are, but I don’t think that I can go out with anyone until I figure out who I am. I know that’s not what you wanted, I’m sorry.” They stood up, leaving the jester hat on the sleeping drunk kid, and walked over to the door.

My head fell into my hands. How many more things could I screw up in one night?

I looked over and saw Rich vibrating in the corner. My feet wandered over to him, mad. 

“Jeremy-” He said while looking up at me. “-do you have any Mountain Dew Red?”

My hand pushed back some of the sweaty hair off of my forehead. “Okay, this whole no-drinking-while-squipping thing? Would it have killed you to give me a warn-” I stopped when I saw his eyes turn source code blue. Just like in the bathroom all of those weeks ago. “-Rich?”

He convulsed and chanted in an electronic voice. “Warning. Warning. Warning. Warning.” 

I backed away and let him run off into the kitchen. “Jesus, what’s gotten into him?”

Next to me, my Squip materialized. It hurt more to look at it now that I realized it was Mikey who had been telling me these things all along. Well, a computer version of Mikey that couldn’t handle more than a few drinks. 

_ Hello, Jeremy.” _

“About time!”   


_ “I’m sorry, my absence was not ideal, but it was necessary. One moment while I review the data from this evening.” _ Mikey, well, Not Mikey held out a blue hand and let its eyes go back to the source code.

It dropped its hand and looked at me grimly.  _ “Oh my.”  _

It’s bad, right?”

Not Mikey, the Squip, Whatever grabbed my wrist and started pulling me out the front door. “We need to get you home.”

I tried pulling back, but a shock ran through my nerves. “Ow! But-”

_ “Now.” _ _   
_

So we left the party and drove home in the tiny Honda, regret rising up in my chest the entire way home.


	24. Mikey XII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw panic attack, references to self harm, suicidal ideology, blood
> 
> this hurt for me to write, but now i'm making y'all suffer as well

I dragged myself back over to the bathtub and lied down in it. Doing anything besides lying down hurt too much. 

Every breath I took felt like my ribs were curling in and stabbing my lungs. My arms and legs ached and stung. My head hurt from how dehydrated I was, and my face felt like it was about to rip in half from how tight it was. 

But I hadn’t let the tears stream down my face yet. I wasn’t completely broken.

I was hanging out in the bathroom at the biggest party of the fall. As the coldness of the ceramic tub seeped into my back, I realized that I could stay right here or disappear and that nobody’d even notice at all.

The black collar of my shirt felt like it was going to cut off my air flow. I clawed at it desperately. 

I was just a creeper in the bathroom because my one friend left me alone. 

My hand gripped against the smooth edge of the tub, and I sat up. It was better to stay here and fake pee than stand awkwardly and pretend to check a text on my phone. 

My head leaned over the edge of the tub, gasping for breath. Pressure slowly started building up in my skull and behind my eyes as I looked down at the tile. This wasn't fine.

Everything had felt fine, when I was half of a pair, now there was no other half there. 

I was just Michelle in the bathroom at a party. 

My legs slid over the edge of the tub as I sat back down on the tile floor. The small walls of the tub were too close. Open space was better. My knees tucked up against my chest as I let out shaky breaths. 

I had forgotten how long it had been since it was this bad. 

Jenna, I assumed, knocked on the door again, and I shouted, “No, you can’t come in!”

My left hand snaked up to grip some of my hair as her steps faded away. It stayed there, pulling tightly at the now messy curls. I just had to wait it out until it was time to leave. My right hand picked at the grey grout filling up the spaces in between the tiles.

My thoughts wandered to a different time.

A time when Jeremy and I would ride bikes after school and find random playgrounds to sit and talk on. A time when he would lie down with his head on my lap and ramble about how his paintings of video game characters never turned out quite right. A time when I was allowed to stay over for a sleepover, and he’d hug me until the panic from the terrible nightmares went away. A time when we’d get slushies together the last day before any break and get sticky syrup all over us.

My fingernails dragged along the grout as I softly grieved all of those times with him. 

I was Michelle that nobody knew, flying solo and hiding in the bathroom by herself.

Anger started poking me in the chest. I rose up and rubbed my eyes.

While I was sitting here on the floor feeling sorry for myself, he was out there just ignoring all our history. Jeremy was probably drinking to replace his memories and to find a newer, cooler version of me. 

I stopped digging my fingernails into my palms as I heard a familiar song play from through the walls. My feet carried me over to the door. An ear pressed up against it, a drunk girl was singing along to Whitney.

I laughed and spun around. This was a song that we’d always play during those late night talks at slumber parties way back when my mother still let me go over. We’d always make fun of those drunk girls in movies that danced to songs like this.

“I wanna dance with somebody!” I sang and smiled as the funky beat overtook me.

A sinking feeling came over me as I stopped dancing in the middle of the bathroom. There was no one to make fun of drunk girls with anymore.

That stabbing pain came back in my chest as the warmth returned to behind my eyes. I hobbled over to the tub and used the rim to support me.

Any beers that I drank that night, I deeply regretted as my stomach grew all knotty. 

I was just Michelle in the bathroom. I was Michelle in the bathroom at a stupid party.

My knuckles popped from how hard I was gripping the edge of the bathtub. I rocked back and forth on my heels, trying to choke back the tears.

A croaky and raspy whisper escaped me as I clung onto the edge. “I’ll wait as long as I need until my face is dry. Or I’ll just blame it on weed or something in my eye!” My voice cracked, and my throat flared up in splitting pain. 

A knocking sound came from behind me. It was furious and desperate. I thought that they were about to barge in at any moment. 

“They’re gonna start to shout soon,” I muttered under my breath as I failed to control my breathing.

The knocking persisted, growing louder and louder. 

“Oh HELL yeah, I’ll be out soon!”

It grew louder and louder as I ran over to the sink. 

Why did he have to leave me here alone in this teenage battle zone? Why did he have to take my heart and leave it shattered on the floor?

The pressure in my head was blowing up. I thought my eyes were about to pop out of my head. My big mistake was showing up to this shit show.

I clawed at my arms trying to roll up my sleeves and turned on the water. The cool liquid splashed against my burning hot face and soothed my throbbing head a little.

I walked over and put my hand on the brass doorknob, but I couldn’t hear knocking anymore.

In a blurry haze, I wandered back over to the sink. My damp palms propped me up as I leaned over it. 

I couldn’t help but yearn for that different time when we used to be enough for each other. When I used to be enough. 

My eyes glanced up in the mirror and scanned all over me.

My face was all blotchy, and my mascara had pooled underneath my eyes. The soft, curled hair on my head hung around me in messy clumps. My thin arms looked even more pathetic in this gentle, yellow lighting. 

As my blurry eyes stared back at me, the present was clearer. There was no denying that I was just stupid, lonely, pathetic, little Michelle at a party. There wasn’t a sadder sight than this.

This was a heinous night. 

I gritted my teeth together and shook while I continued to stare myself down. Staying home in bed and watching cable porn, desperately trying to feel something besides empty was what I wished I had done.

Or-

My fists slammed into the glass, bare forearms pressed against the cool surface as I let out a cry. The thin scabs that had just formed over the cuts on my arm reopened at the harsh impact. Drops of blood started dripping onto the mirror before me

“I WISH I OFFED MYSELF INSTEAD, WISH I WAS NEVER BORN.” 

I pulled away from the mirror and started pacing around in the bathroom.

“Cause I’m just Michelle who’s a loner, so she must be a stoner. Rides a PT Cruiser, GOD- She’s such a loser. Michelle flying solo, who everyone thinks that they know.”  
I curled my arms around me and hugged myself tight, letting the tears stream down my face, heavy and thick. 

“I’m just Michelle in the bathroom all by herself!” My voice cracked and cut out as I sank to the cold tile below me, sobbing and shaking. 

...

The pain slowly loosened its grip on me after a while. I sat up and wiped my face with my clammy hand. 

My hands wrapped around the doorknob and pulled me up, and with a deep breath, I opened the door and left the bathroom. 

No one was out in the hallway, so I just went back down the carpeted hall and down the steps as quickly as I could. 

My head stayed down, and my eyes stayed focused on the floor in front of me the entire time. I didn’t notice that someone was in front of me until I ran into them. 

“Hey, watch it- Mikey?”

I looked up, Chrissy was staring at me with a scared look on their face. 

“Oh my God, are you ok?” 

“Yeah, awesome party. I’m so glad I came. I just need to-” 

There was yelling coming over from near the kitchen, I turned to look when I felt something tug both of my sleeves down. 

“Hey-” I pulled my arms away from the tiny jester in front of me. 

“Sorry-” Chrissy said. “-just wanted to cover up something. Now, where’s your car? Let’s get you out of here.”

I squinted at them and led them to my car parked out front. 

“Oh, this is cool. A first model PT Cruiser, right? Chrissy asked as they opened the door for me. 

The keys in my hand spun around my fingers for a second. “Yeah, I guess.”

They walked over to me on the sidewalk and put two, warm hands on my shoulders. “Are you ok to drive home? I can call you an Uber if you need one, it just looked like you needed to get out of there.”

I shrugged Chrissy off. “Yeah, I’m fine. Drove here, can drive back.”

My hand had just rested on the door to slide in when the warm hand clasped over mine. 

“Hey, you know that if you need some help, with whatever, that you can talk to me, right?”

Their smile was so sincere, why was Chrissy so nice to everyone?

Maybe that’s why Jeremy did all of this. He just wanted the nice kid to love him. 

Maybe they were enough for him.

“Thanks for the offer, but I think that I’ll be fine. I just gotta head home. There was some drama before I left and-” 

Oh God, what was going to happen when I got home?

“Oh, no worries. Just, don’t forget my offer in case you ever do need it.” Chrissy patted my hand lightly and walked back to the sidewalk. 

“Hey-” I walked away from the car. “-do you need a ride?”

They shook their head. “No, my parents said that they were going to pick me up around three, and it's two fifty-seven, so yeah. Totally not excited about getting up for tomorrow, but at least I was able to move all of my classes to the afternoon.”

“Oh, that’s good. Well, good luck, Chrissy- Or well, break a leg, I guess.”

“Ha, you too, Mikey. Just stay safe, ok?”

I nodded and hopped in my car. 

The pills in the bottle started rattling as I drove back home, but I pulled over and threw the whole thing into a creek. 

The rest of the ride was silent. 

...

I got back home, Nadia was sitting on the couch, papers sprawled out on the coffee table in front of her and her phone in her hand. 

“Michelle? Oh my God, I’ve been texting you, where did you go? Honey, you look like you’ve been crying.”

I shrugged and blew the bangs out of my eyes. “I just watched a sad movie on my phone at the park, but I had it on silent. Sorry.”

Nadia sighed and rubbed her forehead. “Just don’t run off like that again, I thought she had hurt you.” 

I sat down on the couch next to her, looking at all of the papers. It was the court reports and photocopies of evidence I had given. 

“I called the police and my father. He’s a lawyer, retired, but I know that he’ll help me with this one. She is going to rot.” Nadia looked down and bit her lip. 

“Hey, are you ok?” 

She shook her head. “I just can’t believe that all of this was going on. I mean, I knew that something was wrong, but I never- It’s late. How about we both head to bed, ok? You look like you need some sleep. Hell, it’s almost four in the morning.”

I laughed and nodded. 

“Ok, Honey. Just go to bed. She isn’t coming back here. I put up those security cameras and told the neighbors to call the police if they see her car at our house. She isn’t coming back.”

My teeth sunk into my tongue to keep me from crying. I nodded and left to go downstairs. 

I collapsed into the messy sheets and fell asleep. The exhaustion was so great that I didn’t even bother to change or take off my makeup.

I was never going to another high school party ever again.


	25. Jeremy XIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmmmm is that manipulation i smell?
> 
> also: rip mr. heere

I sat on the bus with my earbuds in as a twitter notification came in on my phone.

_ @j_roland: did you hear? Rich set a fire and burned down @jakeyd ‘s house last night _

_ @valentine_chloe: jake broke his legs trying to escape the fire. #sosad _

_ @brookes_lost: @rich_bitch is in the hospital after a fire happened at the halloween party last night. Let’s show him some love by decorating his locker! @j_roland @valentine_chloe @jakeyd _

“Oh my God-” I brought a hand up to my mouth. “-They’re saying Rich is in the hospital. And Jake broke both his legs trying to escape the fire. This is terrible. How could Rich’s squip let him do it?”

My Squip next to me pushed back some of its bangs. I had decided to just leave its name the same, but every time I looked at it, I felt a pang of regret in my chest.

_ “Rich was under a lot of pressure at home. With his squip disabled due to the alcohol, it seems he lacked the proper-”  _ It paused to gesture with its hands. _ “-coping mechanism.” _

“Did you know-” My breath hitched as I thought back. “-You made me leave the party-”

_ “I was aware of certain probabilities.” _ _   
_

“Did you know that people were going to get hurt?”

The Squip cocked its head and squinted at me.  _ “I’m starting to get the impression that you don’t trust me, Jeremy.” _ _   
_

Mikey’s last few words to me came back into my head. “Why me?”

_ “I don’t understand the question.”  _ God, they even looked confused in the same way. How did I not see it before?

“You could be inside world leaders, presidents. Famous people! What are you doing in me? What do you want?” I looked away, not wanting to seem crazy for talking to myself on the bus and because it hurt to look at the Squip. 

My eyes burned as I stared at the green seat backing in front of me. 

_ “I promise you, my sole function is to improve your life.” _

I scoffed while continuing to look at the green pattern. Maybe it was gum that was stuck to the top of it. “Well, awesome job.”

I looked to the side and saw the Squip looking at me. Its bangs just touched the blue eyelashes just like how Mikey’s grazed her black ones.

My eyes averted back to the seat. “My best friend thinks I’m a jerk. I really hurt Brookes. And Chriss – You were supposed to make them like me.”

_ “And I will. In time. They are only human. I must account for human error.” _

“You were supposed to make everything better. So why isn’t it?”

_ “Look at yourself. You dress better, you are 93% more attractive, you have had more experience with the opposite sex. Which is to say: you’ve had experience with the opposite sex-”  _

The feeling of Chloe sitting on top of me and her lips pressed against mine came back. My skin itched where she had touched me and a frantic fluttering feeling rose up in my throat. 

_ The Squip continued. “-But human activity is a matter of input as well as output.” _

I turned my head and glared at the Squip. “What does that mean?”

_ “It means that the fault is in your peers.”  _ The Squip nodded its head towards the aisle as the bus pulled up to the school.

We walked to a different locker, it had me stop at Rich’s locker. Why?

_ “You were always quite the loser, Jeremy. Then I invaded, and you upgraded. I found you, but look around you. All of your peers have obsolete operating systems.” _

The Squip walked over to Rich’s locker and gestured for me to step closer.

I did, the fake flowers and cut out letters stuck to it were lovely, but I didn’t see what the Squip wanted me to do about it. 

_ “Let’s complete the chains and get in their brains. Let’s save these pitiful children. They don’t have a clue what they are doing. Help them to help you.” _ _   
_

“I don’t understand. This isn’t even my locker. This is Rich’s locker.”

_ “Open it.” _

“I don’t know the combin-” A shock rattled my teeth and cut me off.

The Squip flicked its wrist and my fingers went to work spinning the dial until the locker popped open. My hands wrapped around a shoebox. 

_ “Now open that.” _

I followed the Squip’s instructions. “There has to be enough Squips in here for the entire school.”

Jenna Roland started marching towards me. I shut Rich’s locker and hid the shoe box behind my back.

“Hey, Jenna.”

“Jeremy, I just- I can’t deal with this right now!” She flipped her box braids over her shoulder and started walking away. 

The Squip shocked me.  _ “Ask her what’s wrong!” _

“Jenna-” I ran after her. “-What’s wrong?”

She sighed. “I make it my business to know everyone’s business, but does anyone ever want to know about mine?” Jenna’s eyes fell to the floor as she tightened her grip around her backpack strap.

_ “So sad-”  _ The Squip placed its blue hands on my shoulders.  _ “-but you can help her.” _

I nodded and pulled a pill out of the shoebox. “Here, try this.”

Jenna frowned. “Is this, like, drugs?”

“Nnnnnyes?”

She shrugged and popped the pill in her mouth. “Ok, how long until it kicks in?”

“Oh-” I smacked my forehead. “-You have to take it with Mountain Dew! There’s a vending machine-”

“No, I have some in my backpack, actually.” Jenna pulled a green bottle from the side of her bag. 

She took a swing and grabbed her head. “Ow!”

Her eyes flashed to the source code screen before she looked at my Squip, smiling. 

_ “Can you see the vision clearly, Jeremy? Users embracing and interfacing. Shiny happy people singing sweetly-”  _ Jenna ran over and shook the Squips hand.  _ “-Gone is human error and fear.” _ _   
_

Jenna broke away and pulled out her phone, clicking through something really fast.

_ “Let’s save the pitiful children-” _ The Squip was interrupted by Jenna’s yelling.

“YEAH! Oh, sorry, I just had the confidence to text this guy that I like, and he replied.”

The Squip turned back to me, eyes glowing. Mikey never looked like that. 

_ “Let’s teach these pitiful children who haven’t a clue. Then-” _ _   
_

Those little voices came back. Singing in my ear.  _ Everything about us is going to be wonderful. We love everything about Squips. Everything about us is going to be so alive. We could never live without Squips. _

The Squip came up to me and grabbed my hands.  _ “You won’t feel left out or unsure if they aren’t pitiful children anymore. Everything about us is going to be cool when we rule.” _

I looked up at those blue, digitized eyes. The resemblance to Mikey was so strong up close, the Squip even had her mole and few freckles now. All that was missing was a hoodie and glasses. And human skin and coloring, of course. 

I couldn’t say no to something that looked so much like her, even if it felt a little bit wrong. I trusted Mikey so much. The real one was hurt, but maybe I could fix things with this fake one. 

I nodded. 

The rest of the day went smoothly. I didn’t pass out anymore Squips, but rather saved them. When the bus dropped me off at home, I started hurrying upstairs to put my stuff away before I headed back over to the school for the last practice. 

It was Halloween, opening night, and I could feel the excitement buzzing through my veins.

I held the shoebox in my hands as I walked through the kitchen to get to the garage. The keys for the car were already in my back pocket. 

“Where do you think you’re going, Private?” My dad said as he sat at the kitchen table, still pantless.

I paused, shifting the shoebox so it was behind my grey windbreaker. “The play?”

“What play? You’re in a play? Did you borrow my car on Halloween?” 

I looked over at the Squip for guidance.  _ “Disdainful denial.” _

My eyes fell back on my greying father. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Then I guess I should blame the car elves.” He shook his head.

“Do whatever you want.” I clutched the box tighter and moved to exit the kitchen.

My dad stood up and walked over to me, hand resting on the granite counter next to the door. “Did you take it to that party?”

I was just about to brush past him when the Squip said,  _ “Wait.” _

“I’m worried about you-” My father fiddled with the sleeve of his button down shirt. “-You come and go all hours, doing God knows what, wearing these new clothes. What is going on with you?"

_ “Tell him the truth.” _ The Squip sat back on the edge of the kitchen sink. 

“I took a pill-sized supercomputer called a Squip that’s in my brain, and it talks to me, and it’s made everything better!” I exclaimed.

“If you’re not going to take me seriously-”

“Why should I?” A strand of my gelled back hair fell into my back as my voice shook with a vexation.

“Excuse me?”

“I’m supposed to believe you care? Look in the mirror! Ever since Mom left, you sit around like you’re waiting for her to come back! If she did, you know what she’d find? A loser who’s so afraid to have a life, he can’t even put PANTS ON!” I pulled the keys out of the pocket of my black, ripped jeans. 

“I could ground you.” My father stood up straight, jaw clenched.

Even standing up straight, I was an inch taller than him now. “I don’t think that you could. Good talk.”   


I dangled the keys in front of his face as I reached for the doorknob. 

“Jer-”

“Don’t wait up.” The door closed behind me with a click.


	26. Mikey XIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw (past) suicide attempt, mentions of child abuse, references to self harm
> 
> sigh, i love angst

I woke up the next day at 7:00. 7:00 at night. 

My head came up off of the pillow, hair clinging to my face from the dried tears. The clothes I had worn to the party were still covering my body, and tiny, red drops of blood were all over my hands from when the cuts got re-opened. 

But a new energy rose up from inside of me.

Fuck you, Jeremy Heere. I wasn’t your bitch to call names anymore.

I pried the floorboard under my bed loose and threw it across the room. There were always two boxes under my bed. My special box and my memento box. Both were pressed against my side as I stood up and got a lighter from my desk. 

Nadia was upstairs at the kitchen counter, leaning against the marble and talking to someone on the phone. She waved at me as I marched to the backyard. 

We had a fire pit that we never used, but I was going to make great use of it tonight. 

I set the boxes down next to a lawn chair and ran around the backyard looking for wood. The scratchy grass felt cold against my socks, but I didn’t care. I just needed fuel to light up the dark sky around me. 

Twigs, sticks, branches, and a big chunk from a fallen tree I found all went into the metal bowl. 

I grabbed the ponytail holder that was on my wrist and used it to pull the top section of my hair back, letting my bangs fall in my face. 

My eyes felt dry from me sleeping with the contacts in, but I didn’t care. 

I just needed to get this fire going and burn everything away. 

The lighter clicked a few times before I got a flame going. I pressed the small orange glow to the broken, dry twigs. 

The flash of red and orange that flared up was brilliant. 

I dug around in the memento box and pulled out the last bit of weed I had saved. Jeremy and I were going to celebrate something a long time ago, but now it was just for me to celebrate being free of the she-demon. 

I rolled up a joint and held it to the fire pit to light it. The long drag I took swirled around in the back of my throat before I exhaled. 

I was feeling better already. 

Before I could get more things out of the boxes, Nadia came outside and sat in the chair across the pit.

“So, did you just wake up?”

I nodded.

“Ok, well I’ll let you have your fire, but we need to start scheduling things soon with the lawyers. If you want to press charges.”

I blew out another puff before answering. “What good would pressing charges do? She already got what she wanted.”

“No, I think that she should go away for what she did. Abusers should be put away. I mean, how long was this going on?”

“Since the day I was born, I suppose. They told me that my mother would scream at me to shut up as a baby. They didn’t try to soothe me. I was just left to cry. We had to move apartments because the neighbors complained about the noise. I don't remember a time when they weren't like that.”

“Goddammit.” Nadia’s voice cracked as she brought a fist up to her mouth.

All I could do was just shrug my shoulders and take another drag. The fire and joint warmed my cold hands. 

“Michelle. I just- I have one question.”

“Ok?” I leaned forward in my chair and rested my hands in between my knees. “What?”

“When Jeremy called me two years ago because he found-” Nadia covered her mouth to stifle a sob. “-he found you in the bathroom, was that because you were trying to escape her?”

I bit my lip, trying to force the memory and lingering pain back. Me lying on the bathroom floor, covered in blood and clinging onto dear life had happened for many reasons. 

The settlement with my father had just ended after a year of going to court. I had seen his face for the last time two days prior, and he told me that I deserved to go to jail with him. 

My mother had been screaming at me behind closed doors, saying that it was my fault the love of her life was going behind bars, even though she had already started dating Nadia at that time. 

The day before, Jeremy and I had gotten into a fight. I hadn’t told him what my dad did, and he was just so confused on why I couldn’t tell him. On why I would just wake up in the middle of the night during a sleepover sobbing and shaking, inconsolable. On why I flinched so hard when he tapped my shoulder when my headphones were turned up so loud that I couldn't hear him. 

How was I supposed to explain that? How would Jeremy have looked at me if I told him the truth?

We had gotten into a screaming match. I called him names and said that he would never understand what happened because he didn’t deserve to.

I walked away from him crying. 

The next day, I stayed in my room and didn’t go to school. I wrote a letter to Jeremy apologizing and explaining what had happened and why I needed to go away.

I couldn’t live with her anymore. I couldn’t bear being alive if I was just going to be screamed at and have things thrown at me, if I was just going to be reminded of how awful I was to be around. I couldn't bear being alive if I was just going to be hurt and hurt people.

He came over to my house after school to drop off my World History homework. Jeremy later told me that he felt bad about pushing and wanted to apologize for making me so upset.

Apparently, I had forgotten to close the bathroom door. 

The only thing I remembered was him crying over me, on the phone with someone. His wavy hair dangling above my face as my eyes fluttered closed. 

I woke up in the hospital, and he was sitting beside me, face pale and dark circles under his eyes. 

We cried for hours, and I told him I was sorry. We cried harder.

He still didn't know everything. Now, he never would. 

Nadia then got me on meds and seeing doctors. I hated every second of it and lied my way through it. 

They all thought things were getting better, but it just got worse. 

I wanted to succeed, but I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to. So, I just added red lines to my arms and thighs and hoped that someone would either kill me or drop dead.

“Yeah-” I whispered. “-I was trying to escape,”

“Michelle, I have to press charges. She cannot get away with pushing you to the brink of-” Nadia put her face in her hands and sighed.

“Ok. Let’s do it.”

She looked up at me. “Really?”

“Yeah, what have I got to lose? I mean, if you really think that she can be charged for this.”

Nadia smiled and wiped her nose. “I promise, I won’t let her come near you again or get away with being so- ugh I can't even say it without, uh, nevermind. Now, how about this weekend, if there’s time, we can decorate your room? No one to stop us from getting the place all spruced up now.”   


I laughed. “Sure, we can do that.”

“Oh, great! I actually had a little fund set aside so when you finally agreed, we could go all out. I’m so excited.”   


Nadia stood up and wiped her hands off on her blue jeans. “Well, I think that I’m going to order some pizza. Do you want anything while I’m inside?”

I shook my head and she turned around. 

“Wait!” I called out.

“Yes?” Nadia spun around on her heeled shoe.

“Can you actually call me Mikey? Only  _ they _ called me that, and I really think that I’d just like it better if you addressed me as Mikey. You don’t have to-”

“Of course I’ll call you Mikey. Honestly, I think it suits you better.” She smiled and continued to walk inside.

I let out a big puff of smoke. 

Tonight was already turning out to be better. 

My hand fumbled for the boxes beside me. I set the special box right in the middle of the flames. Metal couldn’t burn, but everything else in there could.

I then started going through the memento box. It was all of the paper things I had that had to do with Jeremy. 

It was time to say goodbye. 

“Magic the gathering card he gave me for the birthday no one else remembered, burn it.” I threw it into the pile and watched the flames roar.

After taking another drag, I looked at a small ticket stub in my hand. “Ticket from our first concert-” I flipped it over to see what we had gone to. I remembered having to sneak out through the basement window. “-Weird Al. Super burn it.”

With a flick of my wrist, it fluttered down into the burning pile.

Smoke filled the air around me as I sat back in my chair. I couldn’t get yelled at for smoking now.

My hand had just rested on a small painting of a Bob Marley album cover that he made for me when someone came in through the back door and walked over to me. It wasn’t Nadia. 

I set the joint on the ground beside me and looked up to see who it was. 

“Mr. Heere?”

He walked closer, wearing thermal underwear and a sweater. “Mikey!”

“Mr. Heere, what are you doing here?”

He pulled a chair over next to me and sat down. 

I put my foot up on the lawn chair I was sitting in and held my fist up to my mouth.

He rubbed his head. “We need to talk about Jeremy.”

My hot breath blew into my fist before I pulled it away. I looked out on the blazing fire, it hurt to hear someone else say his name. 

“Sorry, Jeremy and I aren’t friends anymore-”

“Do you love him?”

My heart stopped for a second. “What?” I coughed out.

“He can be a little shit sometimes. We both know that. But that’s no excuse to sit around burning incense while he turns himself into a monster!”

No. Jeremy had made his choice. I couldn’t do this. I wasn’t going to let my heart get broken all over again.

“Yeah, no- I’m just gonna-” Mr. Heere stood in front of me as I tried to go back inside the house.

“I need you because I do not have the tools to help him, and I know you know all of the rules.”

Warmth started welling up behind my eyes. “But I’m not what he wants!” My voice cracked.

Jeremy’s dad put his hand on my shoulder. “But you’re what he needs. This is hard, I know, but something happened, and he needs help.”   


Mr. Heere took a step back and moved the memento box away from the fire. 

I took a step forward to grab it back when he stood up again.

“When you love somebody, you put your pants on for them. You take a stand just for them. Even if the fight gets bloody, you just keep on pushing through until the dust settles. If you love somebody, you put your fucking pants on.”

My eyes looked down to see that I was still wearing the jeans I sewed the bandana into. 

“Uh. Is this a metaphor or something? I- I’m wearing pants. I don’t get it-”

“Oh no, I need you to reach out to him. Jeremy won’t listen to me. And I can’t blame him. But somebody has to watch his back.”

That didn’t make any sense, Jeremy now always had someone watching his every move.

A memory resurfaced in the front of my mind. 

Chloe was dragging Jeremy by the wrist upstairs, and then he ran into the bathroom. It sounded like he was about to cry before I talked to him. 

That didn’t make any sense. Jeremy didn’t really like Chloe, and if something happened, he could have knocked that spray tanned bitch off her Prada heels with those new muscles.

Unless Jeremy wasn’t in control anymore.

Shit. What did the Squip do to him? What did the Squip do to my Jeremy?

My hands curled into fists by my sides. He still fucked up, but it wasn’t entirely his fault. My favorite dumbass needed some help, but I couldn’t be the only one to do so. 

“If I try harder to be his friend...you have to try harder to be his dad. There’s a Kohl’s down the street. I don’t care what kind- jeans, khaki, leather. You’re not leaving that store until you buy a pair.” I pointed to the street, my voice shaking. 

Mr. Heere stood up from my chair and stuck out his hand, the fire casting a warm glow over us. “You drive a hard bargain, Mikey.”

“When you love somebody, you put your pants on for them-” I whispered to myself. -“Somewhat reluctantly,”

Mr. Heere and I looked each other in the eyes and said, “Still, you gotta go!”

I nodded and ran inside. 

The contacts I was wearing came out after getting some drops in my eyes and pulling them off. The glasses were much more comfortable. I pulled my red hoodie over my “CREEPS” shirt and shoved on my checkered vans. 

“The things we do for our best friend,” I laughed to myself. 

Mr. Heere and Nadia waved goodbye to me as I pulled out of the garage to go to the play to see this to the end. All I could do was hope that Jeremy wasn’t beyond repair.


	27. Jeremy XIV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw injury
> 
> ouch, that's rough

Chrissy came backstage after giving the audience a pep talk before the show. The rest of the cast was changing into their costumes as I walked in.

“Places, Everyone! Break a leg!” They said.

Jake glared at Chrissy while putting on his cowboy hat. “Not cool.” He crutched away, carefully maneuvering his two, casted legs.

Chrissy rolled their eyes and started walking back to the changing room to put on the rest of their rags. 

“Chrissy!” I jogged over, grey pill tucked in my windbreaker pocket and shoebox under my arm. 

“Jeremy-” They put their hands on their hips, eyebrows furrowed. “-Where have you been? It’s so bad. Mr. Reyes made himself your understudy.”

I scrunched up my nose while setting the shoebox on the table next to me. “Isn’t he understudying Rich?”

“He’s both.” 

“Oh my God.”

Chrissy looked at me like they were expecting something. 

“Sorry, anyway. Look, I’ve been thinking about what you said at the party-”

They threw their hands up. “I can’t do this right now.”   


“But I finally understand! You can’t go out with anyone because you don’t know who you are yet. Right?”

“Yeah, but-”

“Well, I get that! And that’s awesome, actually, because I felt that way too! I  mean, I didn’t realize that’s what I felt, I thought it was just about being cool. But it was more than that. It was about being confident, and understanding who I am- And I couldn’t have figured that on my own!”

They rubbed their temples. “You’re saying I helped you do that?”

“Not you. This.” I held out a pill I retrieved from my pocket.

Chrissy took a step back and put a hand on their chest. 

“It’s from Japan, it’s a computer- And it tells you what to do! You’d never have to struggle to figure out what to say, or over-analyze some little gesture, ever again. You’d just know. Like play rehearsal. Only it never has to end.”

They looked up at me, those deer eyes searching mine like a small animal staring at the end of a barrel. “Jeremy, that sounds horrible.”

My smile fell. “What?”

“Maybe I have stuff to figure out. But I don’t need a pill to do it for me.”

I shook my head. “It’s not like that! It’ll help you to be better-”

“Oh, so I’m broken?”

My voice caught in my throat. This wasn’t how I wanted it to go. This wasn’t right. I had messed up.

Mr. Reyes walked over, trying to shove himself into my play costume. “Canigula! Props has whipped up a fresh beaker of Puck’s Pansy Serum.”

Chrissy walked over and took the vial filled with yellow-green liquid and headed back to put on the last few touches of their costume. 

“Oh, Mr. Heere. I suppose you’ll be wanting your costume back.” Mr. Reyes headed back to the dressing rooms to try and get the clothing off of him. 

Chrissy was long gone. Shit. I had fucked everything up again.

The Squip materialized next to me, eyes glowing in the dim hallway between the stage and the dressing rooms. I shoved the pill in my pocket as it put a blue hand on my shoulder.

_ “It’s okay, Jeremy. I anticipated their resistance.” _

I turned and snapped. “Then why did you let me say all that stuff?”

_ “So you’d see for yourself what’s necessary. Not everyone is as open to change as you were. Offering them all a choice would simply delay the result we desire.”  _

“No, she’s right. I don’t think I can do this. We should put these back in Rich’s  locker, and-” The lid lifted off of the shoebox to find it empty.

My heart dropped to my stomach. What the hell?

“What happened to the rest of the Squips?”

_ “I anticipated your resistance too, Jeremy. So I took the decision out of your hands.”  _ The Squip took a step back, hands sliding into the front pockets of its unzipped bomber jacket.

Mr. Reyes came back wearing his tweed jacket and holding my costume in his hand. “Places for scene two, people! Remember, once Puck gives you the Pansy Serum, you have to really sell that you’re transforming into a zombie!”

He turned to Chloe who was practicing her lines near the potted plant in the corner. “Excellent work, Miss Valentine.”   


I tapped my fingers against the side of the empty box. “Excellent? Chloe’s terrible. She never remembers her-” Then it hit me. “-Mr. Reyes...what’s in the Pansy Serum?”

“Oh, don’t worry about the color. It’s perfectly non-toxic. We don’t want a repeat of last year’s Arsenic and Old Lace debacle. It’s just plain old Mountain Dew! Also, Jenna Rolan put these Wintergreen Tic-Tacs in the bottom.”

“NO! You can’t let anyone drink from that beaker!”

He laughed and looked up at me. “Don’t be silly, it’s more than safe. I should know- I tried it myself.”

My Squip looked at Mr. Reyes and smiled.  _ “Up up down down left right A.” _

Mr. Reyes’ eyes flashed to a blue source code screen as remained as one. They bored into me as I tried to run away. 

“I have to get out there-”

His arm gripped mine and held me in place. It was scary how strong my nerdy teacher was. “I can’t let you do that, Jeremy.”

“Mr. Reyes?” I pleaded.

“You needy, pathetic, self-centered students. You think I wanted to teach high school drama? In New Jersey? My Squip says I can go all the way to Broadway. I just have to make sure you don’t ruin my big night.”

My arm ripped away from his grasp as I ran to the back entrance door. I could see the stage floor from the small glass panel that was in the hallway. 

“What are you doing to them?” I whipped around to see the Squip standing with its arms crossed.

_ “I’m syncing their desires to yours. I now realize: my operating system can only  _ _ truly be complete when everyone shares a social network.” _

The Squip took a step back and looked out the glass panel.

Brookes was on stage, his acting not enthusiastic at all. 

“What, uh angel wakes me from my f-flowery, uh bed. Ugh, I’m so thirsty.” He reached for the beaker with sagging shoulders. 

“Brookes, no,” I whispered, hand pressed against the glass. 

He drank the serum and then clutched his head. “Ow!” Brookes turned around, and I caught a glimpse of his source code blue eyes. “I warn thee, gentle mortal, it’s time to FEED again!”

He ran over to the other side of the stage to complete his scene. My heart sank. 

“You’re going to Squip the whole cast.”

_ “And that’s just for starters.”  _ That sadistic smile was back. The Squip didn’t even look like Mikey with that smile.

“That’s not what I wanted!”

“ _It’s the ONLY way to achieve what you want._ ”

I ran my fingers through my hair, messing up the gel that I had put in. “I’ll fight back. Alcohol messes you up, right? I- I'll get drunk!”

_ “And I’ll be back when you’re sober. Unless you plan to stay wasted forever?” _

“You’re a computer! There has to be a way to turn you off.”

The Squip placed two hands on my shoulders and gripped them tight.  _ “I would stop there. You wouldn’t want to end up like Rich.” _

“Rich? What did he-” 

A memory surfaced to the front of my mind. At the party, Rich had been going around clutching his head and saying, “I NEED MOUNTAIN DEW RED!”

“That’s it.-” I whispered breathlessly. “-Green Mountain Dew activates you. Red shuts you off.

The Squip’s fingernails dug into my shoulders and gritted its teeth.  _ “Why do you think we had it discontinued? To get rid of me now, you’d need a time machine to the 1990’s.” _

I smiled and shoved its arms off of me. “Or a friend who’s so old school, she buys 90’s soft drinks from the back room at Spencer’s Gifts!”

The Squip leaned its head back and laughed darkly.  _ “Too bad you don’t have one of those, anymore.” _

I shook my head to fight the warmth that had started to prickle the back of my eyes. As my fingers tried to scroll to find Mikey’s number in my phone, the Squip wiggled its fingers. 

My hands shook and refused to touch the screen. 

In frustration, I screamed at Siri to help me. “Mikey! Call Mikey! Call Player One!”

My wrist cracked and the phone fell from my hand. I clutched it with my left hand and tried to leap for the phone. 

_ “It’s useless resisting, Jeremy. I’m going to improve your life if I have to take over  _ _ the entire student body to do it.” _

I jumped for the phone, but the Squip flicked its wrist and I slammed into the entrance door for the backstage area. 

My body throbbed as I tried to lift my head off of the floor. The door behind me nudged my foot and then closed. I rolled over to see who else was late for the play. 

Checkered, slip on vans met my blurry eyes. 

“Mikey makes an entrance!”

“Mikey!” I cried.

I scrambled to stand up, feet slipping against the smooth hardwood.

“I was in the audience, thinking, this is really good for a school play. Then I’m like, this is  _ way  _ too good for a school play. They’ve all been squipped, right?” She asked, hair spilling over her shoulder. 

“You came to see me in the play?” I looked down at her shirt. She was still wearing her costume from the party underneath her hoodie.

“Even brought my own refreshments.” She held a bottle of red soda out in front of me.

“Is that?” My voice cracked.

“I told you I did my research.” She winked, dried mascara had pooled underneath her eyes.

“That’s amazing, give it to me!” I reached for the bottle, but she pulled back. 

“Wait. No.”

“Mikey, but I need it!”

She gripped the neck of the bottle and looked up at me. There was so much pain in her eyes. “And I need an apology. I think that’s in order, I mean, you treat me like I don’t exist for months, blow me off when I try to help you-”

I cut her off. “Fine! I’m-”

_ “Vocal cords: block.” _ In the corner of my eye, I saw the Squip clench its hand into a fist. 

Strange gurgling noises came from my throat as I tried to speak. I just had to apologize to Mikey, why couldn’t I apologize to Mikey?

“Seriously? Is it that hard to say sorry?” She scoffed and started to turn back to the door.

“YES! Come on, please! This is important to me!”

“Well, this is important to me.” She tucked the bottle under her arm and glared at me.

“It’s a fucking word.”

“It’s a fucking gesture. Gestures fucking matter.”

_ “Kung Fu fists: activate,” _ The Squip said from behind me. 

My fist swung at Mikey. Pure fear rose in her face. 

She bolted towards the area right behind the stage, where everyone congregated after getting changed. 

I ran after her, swinging wildly and violently.

“Jeremy. Cut this shit out!” Her voice cracked as I jumped to grab her. 

“I can’t-” I jerked forward to jab at her under the ribs.

Mikey ducked to the side and ran around to the other side of the table. We juked each other out, and she ran up to the steps leading to the steps. She tripped on the second step.

My hands grabbed onto her wrists as I pinned her down. 

“Stop it! Please!” Her eyes were bright red and shiny as she tried to wiggle out of my grasp. The bottle fell down to the bottom of the steps below us. 

“I’m trying, I just can’t-” My hands came up and away from her, but my fingers were still locked around her tiny wrists. 

“Try FUCKING HARDER!”

My legs straddled her as I struggled to let go against the Squip forcing me to hang on. 

“It’s. Not. Me. It’s. My. Squip.”

My fingers finally released and I fell back. With a loud thud, my head hit the hard floor, and my hands reached up to grab it.

“What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fu-” Mikey stood up and held onto the wall.

“I’m so fucking sorry. It's taking over my body. Please help me, I’m so sorry.” My entire being twitched in pain as the Squip snapped its fingers. I couldn’t stop convulsing. 

“Shit, fuck.” Mikey ran forward and pulled my hands away from my head. 

She straddled me, putting her entire weight on my stomach. Her long hair tickled my nose as she leaned forward and pinned my wrists against the floor so I couldn’t hit her. The mascara pooled under her eyes had started running down her face again from the sweat and almost-tears. 

Mikey’s face was inches from mine, I could hear her ragged breathing. Despite everything, heat started rising up in my face. She smelled like blood and vanilla, and her breath sent chills down my spine. 

Why was it kind of attractive?

“Jake!” She yelled.

I looked up, Jake had started crutching over to the stairwell so he could do his bit.

“Jake! This is gonna sound weird, but if I hold down Jeremy, can you make him drink this Mountain Dew Red?” She used her left leg and kicked the bottle towards him. 

He stood down and picked it up. 

“Actually-” Jake said. “-that doesn’t sound weird at all.”

_ “Up up down down left right A.”  _ I was really regretting getting a Squip.

Jake twitched, and his eyes snapped to the source code screen. He untwisted the cap and poured the soda all over the floor. “I’m living the upgrade!”

Mikey’s grip on my wrists loosened for a second, and her smile fell. I wanted to reach up and hold her face saying that it was going to be ok, but I wasn’t sure if it was.

“Plus, check this out!” Jake raised his crutches up so they were parallel to the floor and dropped them. 

“It healed your legs?” I asked.

“No, but I can’t feel pain anymore!” He dived for us.

Mikey jumped up and pulled me to the other side of the stage. I stumbled after her as we stood up behind the rope for the curtains. 

Brookes and Chloe came up from behind us. “There you are, Jeremy.”   


I spun around, holding onto Mikey’s arm. 

Brookes flashed me a fake smile. “I just want you to know that I’m not mad that you broke my heart and slept with my best friend.”

Chloe waved a hand with sharp, pink nails at me. “And I’m not mad you dated my best friend and wouldn’t sleep with me.”

Brookes turned to his friend, his long tunic whipping around him. “He didn’t sleep with you?”

“No.”

“He didn’t sleep with me!”

“No!”   


They grabbed each other’s hands and stared into the other’s eyes. “Oh my god, why was I so jealous of you? You were jealous of me? That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me! Best friends forever! JINX!”

“Ewww,” Mikey whispered as she guided us down the steps as quietly as possible.

I grabbed her shoulder and whispered in her ear while pointing. “The bottle. There’s a few drops left.”

“How am I supposed to get past them?” She stared out as the cast of Midsummer waited on the floor. 

“Level Nine?”

“The cafetorium. Got it!” She smiled and skirted along the wall to the changing rooms.

Mikey silently had crept over to the bottle from the back area when Jenna Roland grabbed her.

“I know what you’re doing, Mikey. I know what everyone’s doing! ALL THE TIME!” 

She twisted out of Jenna’s grasp and grabbed the bottle. 

_ I just feel so connected to you guys right now.  _ I could hear everyone’s voice in my head, and it scared me.

“Jeremy, catch!” Mikey yelled while throwing the mostly empty bottle towards me. 

I barely caught it because my hands went limp as I saw Jake and Jenna tackle her to the floor.

“Mikey, NO!” I started towards her as they tried dumping the vial into her mouth. 

She elbowed Jake in the shin and kicked Jenna in the knee. They let go of her long enough so that Mikey could stand up. Brookes and Chloe came from the other stairwell and tried to catch her as the first two got back up. 

Mikey slipped and used the potted plant as a shield. 

The bottle was in my hand, what was I doing?

I tried to bring the rim up to my lips, but the Squip held a hand, palm down, in front of me.  _ “You don’t want to do that, Jeremy.” _

“Why not?” I yelled back, hand shaking and fighting against the electric current holding me down. 

_ “Because then you’ll never be with them.” _

Chrissy came rushing out of the curtains behind me. “Jeremy?”

They looked so happy in their torn up costume. “Chrissy?”

“Did you see me out there? The audience loved me!”

“I-” I looked down. “-That’s great! I mean, of course, they did.”

“I’m so glad I found you here. I wanted to apologize.” They put a warm hand on my arm.

I looked up. Those deer eyes looked so joyful. “You- Why?”

“Because, Silly. You were right. About how it feels. I feel amazing.” 

Something was wrong. 

Chrissy bounced up on their toes. “You are the person I want to be with every day, and this is something that I’ve been afraid to say.”

“That is not Chrissy.” 

The Squip wrapped an arm around my shoulder, long hair tickling the back of my neck.  _ “I assure you it is. Only their fears and insecurities have been removed.” _

Chrissy’s hands slid down to mine, their eyes source code blue. “You’re the guy I am so kinda into. The guy I am totally into, this feeling is new.” They got down on one knee and looked up at me “Jeremy, I love you!”

My breath hitched in my throat. 

_ “That’s your cue.” _

Chrissy stood up, leaning in close to me. 

“They’ll do whatever I want.”

_ “That’s what I promised.” _

Behind me, the sound of a clay pot hitting the ground filled the air. 

I couldn’t look back now. “Great, drink this.”

_ “Wait-” _

Chrissy took the bottle and downed whatever was left after Jake had flipped it upside down. 

“How do you feel?”

Chrissy twitched and snapped their eyes open. They were back to their normal black color. 

Then, the screaming started.

Chrissy clutched both sides of their head and let out a heartbreaking wail. 

Behind me, other people started screaming. 

The pain hit me like a truck.

My fingernails dug into the sides of my skull trying to find something as everything went red. I hit something as I fell down, and there was a flood of light that flashed over my convulsing body. The only thing I could feel was electric pain, gripping my senses. Even the air smelled like smoke coming from a computer.

“ _ Jeremy! JER-EMY! AHAHAH. AHAAHAH. WOOOH. AHAHAHA. WOOOOH. AHAHAHA. WOOOOH. AHHHHHAHHH.”  _ The Squip's pained cries rang in my ears as the pain crescendoed.

Something cold touched my face as dots started dancing across what vision I had left. 

It felt like I was stuck in this red and black hell for an eternity before something stabbed my leg. I barely felt it over the white hot lightning running through me. 

The red faded to black, and a heavy weight settled over my chest as the electricity flickered out. All that was left was black.


	28. Mikey XIV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw reference to self harm, description of other's injuries
> 
> i regret nothing and everything at the same time

I sat down in my seat at the back of the theater just as Chrissy walked back behind the curtain after giving the opening monologue. The kid running the ticket stand didn’t care that I had a two-liter with me.

Jeremy would have to stay after the play because little kids got signatures from the actors, I could corner him then and shove the Mountain Dew Red down his throat. 

The play began, but something was off. 

It was too good. It was way too good for a school play. 

Before the cast members took a sip from the green vial sitting on the styrofoam brick wall, they had the abilities of high schoolers in a play. After, they were like Broadway actors.

What was green that could make someone way better at something? 

I sat forward in my seat and squinted. There was something dissolving at the bottom of the beaker. Something greyish and oblong.

Oh my God.

Apologizing to the old couple sitting next to me, I leaped from my seat and ran out the doors. The security guard barked at me as I bolted out of the school, but it wasn’t me that he should have been worried about. 

The cool October air flew around me as I rushed around to the other side of the school. Jeremy and I had once snuck into the building after hours because he left his science project in his locker. I just had to get to the door that led to the behind the stage area. 

Thank God for broken security cameras and bobby pins. 

My hand wrapped around the metal doorknob, it was unlocked. 

I paused for a second, could I really do this? What if he just blocked me out again, would I have been able to handle that?

No. Jeremy needed me, I couldn’t abandon him.

The door knocked into something as I opened it. I stepped in from the open slot only to see my best friend sprawled out on the floor.

His head flipped over, and he stared at my shoes. “Wuh?”

“Mikey makes an entrance!” I smiled.

Jeremy shot straight up, almost knocking himself back over.

“I was in the audience, thinking, this is really good for a school play. Then I’m like, this is  _ way  _ too good for a school play. They’ve all been squipped, right?” I asked. 

“You came to see me in the play?” He blushed.

The pink spread all over, connecting his freckles in a big blob. Bits of his hair had fallen into his face and out of the gelled back style. Jeremy’s hands slid into his windbreaker pockets as he looked at me with those puppy dog eyes.

“Even brought my own refreshments.” I extended my arm out to show him the bottle.

“Is that?”

“I told you I did my research.” 

“That’s amazing, give it to me!” Jeremy reached for the bottle, but I pulled back.

I couldn’t be a total pushover. He still hurt me, bad. It hurt so bad.

“Wait. No,” I said.

“Mikey, but I need it!”

“And I need an apology. I think that’s in order, I mean, you treat me like I don’t exist for months, blow me off when I try to help you-”

He cut me off. “Fine! I’m-” Then he stopped.

Jeremy clawed at his throat while making weird screeching noises. Just because he was in the school play didn’t mean that he got to be dramatic all the time.

“Seriously? Is it that hard to say sorry?” I turned to go back out the door. This was a mistake.

“YES! Come on, please! This is important to me!”

“Well, this is important to me.” I turned back around and glared at him.

“It’s a fucking word.”

“It’s a fucking gesture. Gestures fucking matter.”

Suddenly, he swung his fist at me.

No. Not him. Anyone but him. He couldn’t hurt me like that, too.

I ran down the hallway, there had to be a way out where I could get ahead of him.

His converse hitting the hard floor beneath us echoed as he drew closer.

I turned around to see me jumped at me, hands clawing at me.

“Jeremy. Cut this shit out!” 

“I can’t-” He yelled while trying to hit me in the ribs.

There was a table right next to us. I ran to the other side of it, bottle of soda in hand. We juked each other out. I bolted for the steps leading to the stage. It didn’t matter if there was a live performance going on, I wasn’t going to get my ass beat by Jeremy Heere. 

My sense of balance failed me on the second step. Pain exploded in my chin as it collided with the black steps.

Jeremy flipped me over and grabbed onto my wrists. Hard.

“Stop it! Please!” I cried.

His grip on my cuts hurt so bad. It was worse than when the she-demon squeezed my bare arm. 

The bottle fell down to the bottom of the steps below us. 

“I’m trying, I just can’t-” Jeremy leaned back, lifting my arms with him.

“Try FUCKING HARDER!” I spat in his scrunched up face.

His weight settled on my stomach as he kept on pulling me back and forth, my back slamming into the steps. “It’s. Not. Me. It’s. My. Squip.”

Jeremy finally let go of me and fell backward. He hit the ground hard and started twitching and shaking. It looked like he was having a seizure.

“WHAT the fuck. What the FUCK. What THE fu-” I stood up and held onto the wall.

What the fuck was going on?

“I’m so fucking sorry. It's taking over my body. Please help me, I’m so sorry.” 

Jeremy looked up at me through pieces of his dark hair flopping over his face. He looked like he was in so much pain.

“Shit, fuck.” I jumped down from the steps and ran over to help him.

My hands found his and pulled them away from his shaking head. They slid down to his wrists and pinned them against the cold floor. I rested my legs on either side of his torso and sat down on the middle of his white shirt so he couldn’t pop up and hurt himself or me. 

Jeremy’s face was inches from mine. His eyes locked with mine, searching for any sort of relief. He took big, gasping breaths as he let his head fall back against the floor. His pale, freckle dusted face flushed, and his soft lips parted slightly. I could smell his cologne, sage and mint. 

He looked so strange pinned beneath me, chest rising and falling.

Why was it kind of attractive?

A tall man on crutches walked into my line of vision. “Jake!”

He started heading toward Jeremy and me.

“Jake! This is gonna sound weird, but if I hold down Jeremy, can you make him drink this Mountain Dew Red?” My foot caught the side of the bottle and kicked it towards him.

He stood down and picked it up. 

“Actually-” Jake said. “-that doesn’t sound weird at all.”

He twitched, and his eyes snapped to a blue source code screen. 

What the fuck?

Jake untwisted the cap and poured the soda all over the floor. “I’m living the upgrade!”

My smile fell. Was everyone here Squipped? Was I the only sane one?

“Plus, check this out!” He raised his crutches up so they were parallel to the floor and dropped them. 

“It healed your legs?” Jeremy asked below me.

“No, but I can’t feel pain anymore!” He dived for us.

I jumped up and pulled Jeremy to the other side of the stage. He clambered around behind me as we stopped underneath the ropes for the curtains.

Brookes and Chloe came up from behind us. “There you are, Jeremy.”   


Jeremy clung onto my arm and faced the two popular kids. All I could do was stare, horrified.

Brookes smiled creepily at the guy clutching my arm. “I just want you to know that I’m not mad that you broke my heart and slept with my best friend.”

Chloe waved a hand with sharp, pink nails at Jeremy. “And I’m not mad you dated my best friend and wouldn’t sleep with me.”

Brookes turned to his friend, his long tunic whipping around him. “He didn’t sleep with you?”

“No.”

“He didn’t sleep with me!”

“No!”   


They grabbed each other’s hands and stared into the other’s eyes. “Oh my god, why was I so jealous of you? You were jealous of me? That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me! Best friends forever! JINX!”

“Ewww,” I whispered as I took Jeremy’s arm and led us down the stairs to get away from them.

He grabbed my shoulder and whispered in my ear while pointing. “The bottle. There’s a few drops left.”

“How am I supposed to get past them?” 

The cast of the play had come out onto the floor. Everyone was standing around, waiting for their turn to go up.

“Level Nine?” He said.

“The cafetorium. Got it!”

I placed a shaky hand on the wall and crept down the hallway, coming back around by the changing rooms. Everyone stood with their backs to me as I crawled under the table. This was actually working. 

I half stood up and reached for the bottle when someone wrapped their arms around my waist.

“I know what you’re doing, Mikey. I know what everyone’s doing! ALL THE TIME!” 

My nails sunk into her hands and tried to rip them off. When that didn’t work, I stepped on her toes and jabbed my elbow into the crook of hers.

Jenna yelped and let go.

The bottle had just gotten into my hand when I saw Jake stalking towards me.

“Jeremy, catch!” I yelled while throwing the mostly empty bottle towards him. 

Jake came at me from the side while Jenna got me from behind. The three of us went down in a ball of limbs and stage costumes.

“Mikey, NO!” Jeremy yelled from somewhere too far away to help.

Jenna’s hand found its way to my chin as she tried to pull it down. Jake held a vial filled with green liquid about my head as they held me down. 

Think. Think. Think. Think.

I elbowed Jake in the shin and kicked Jenna in the knee. Even though he couldn’t feel the pain, I could still mess up the things that made his legs work, and Jenna was just in a bad position. 

They let go of me. I scrambled to my feet. Brookes and Chloe came from the other stairwell and charged towards me. 

I made a break for the other side of the room, there was a door leaning to the art classrooms on the bottom floor, I just had to get past the plant.

My feet stepped into a pile of sweatshirts, and I fell to the ground. 

The four Squipped zombies came towards me. I grabbed the potted plant next to me and used it to fend them off.

Jake tried grabbing at me, but I dodged and ran towards the table by the changing rooms.

There were so many people. They were all coming for me all at once. 

It was too much. It was too much. It was too much. 

Brookes and Chloe crawled underneath the table and grabbed my ankles. I kicked my left foot forward and then my right. They let go to protect their faces. Both of them yelled and tried clawing at me again. 

Jenna tiptoed over in the corner of my right eye. I grabbed a foam helmet that was on the table and threw it at her. 

She yelled and covered her hands with her face while I ran back to the corner where I had gotten the plant. (It was still tucked under my arm.)

“Jeremy, I love you!” I heard from where he was standing.

My breath hitched in my throat. 

I looked and saw Chrissy leaning in to give Jeremy a kiss. 

He looked so happy. 

The potted plant in my hands dropped and shattered against the floor. 

Someone tackled me, we crashed to the ground and thrashed against each other.

Then, the screaming started.

The guy on top of me went off like a tornado siren. My ears rang as I shoved his twitching body off of me. 

I looked up and saw Jeremy clutching his head and screaming in pain. His eyes flashed to the source code screen and back again, over and over.

My feet moved faster than the rest of me could keep up. I almost slipped on the steps running up to him.

My arm caught on the ropes for the curtains, and they flew up as I ran over to help Jeremy.

People in the audience yelled as they saw the entire cast of Midsummer on the ground, twitching like manics.

“SOMEONE CALL 911, PLEASE!” I yelled while trying to get all of the ropes off my body.

Jeremy was flailing around like he was being shocked in the electric chair. I crawled over to help him, but I didn’t know how. 

Hesitantly, I put my hand up to his cheek. He calmed down for a second before he started spasming more violently. 

I just stayed by, trying to make sure that his head was sideways in case he puked. Asphyxiation via vomit was not how I wanted to end my night. 

For thirty minutes, all I could do was watch Jeremy suffer. All of the other cast members had gotten up and started finding their families, but he wouldn’t stop.

Why wouldn’t it stop?

The security guard tried to get me away from him, but Chrissy had to get him to stand down before I smacked the guard. 

The entire time, Jeremy just trembled and jerked around. 

With a loud bang, the paramedics finally came through the doors. A blonde lady stooped down next to Jeremy and injected something into his leg.

“We are going to have to transport him to the hospital,” She said to the woman next to her.

The woman nodded and together they lifted a limp Jeremy onto a stretcher. He had finally stopped shaking. 

I ran forward to go with them. “Please, I need to stay with him!” 

The tears threatened to start streaming down my face again. I couldn’t lose him. Not him. 

Not my Jeremy.

The blonde lady glanced at her co-worker before addressing me. “Are you his girlfriend or something?”

“I-”

“YES SHE IS, LET HER GO,” Chrissy yelled from the back as their parents wrapped a blanket around them.

The lady shook her head. “Ok, well then on the ride over, I’ll need you to tell me all of his contact information and medical history, if you know it.”

I nodded and followed them out to the ambulance. 

…

“That’s his father’s number. I texted him saying that we were at the hospital, but I don’t know if he was able to get in or not.”

The nurse hooked Jeremy up to an IV while nodding. “Ok, and is this what you told the paramedics?”

“Yes. I told them everything I told you.”

“Ok, that’s good. I’m going to finish writing my notes, and then I’ll see if Mr. Heere can see Jeremy. That young man gave us quite a fright for a second, didn’t he?” She turned around to write something on her clipboard.

“Yeah, he sure did.”

“Now, I’m going to see if they can get his father. Are you ok staying here or do you want me to escort you out?”

I shook my head.

“Ok, Dear, then I hope that can stay out of trouble. And that your friend knows how important he is to you.”

I smiled at the nurse as she left the room. 

After the door clicked, I ran over to his bedside and grabbed his hand. It felt so cold. So, terribly cold.

The sound of the heart monitor beeping and the rattly breaths Jeremy took as the tube down his throat made sure that his throat didn’t close up filled the white room. He almost blended into the white sheets, he was so pale.

His hair was all clumpy from sweat and him gripping it tightly. He had tiny scratches on his face from where his hands clawed at himself in an attempt to soothe the pain. Even his normally soft lips looked chapped and cracked from how tight they had been while he was suffering.

My heart felt like it was shattering just looking at him. 

“Oh, Jeremy. Please wake up soon. I know it was a medically induced coma, but I can’t do this alone. Please, I love you-” A sob wracked my body as I pressed my face into his sheets.

The sound of the heart monitor and the air tube were the only things that replied to my tears.


	29. Jeremy XV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw needle, super cheesy
> 
> also, sorry i forgot to update, twas shitty of me. ive had the tab open for closer to two months now, i was just deep into my own bullshit

My eyes fluttered open as the bright light of the room I was in shone down on me. Something was stuck to my arm, and there was this beeping noise that wouldn’t stop.

I sat up and immediately regretted it. Pain flooded my senses. “Owww. Ow. Ow. Ow.”

“Feels like you’re missing a part of yourself, doesn’t it?” Rich Goranski?

I looked over and saw the Rich was laying down in a full-body cast on his hospital bed next to me. 

Hospital bed?

My eyes fell down to my own body. The “green” gown I was wearing practically blended into the white sheets. A tube ran to my arm and dripped something into my veins. The beeping was a heart monitor.

I was in the hospital alone with Rich. 

“Rich? I don’t- What happened?”

“Hurts like a motherfucker too. Be honest, what are they saying about me at school?”

The silence I gave was more telling than any wording I could have used. 

“Oh, that bad, huh?”

“Sorry,” I said as I pushed back some of my grimy hair. 

“Sorry? I’m finally free of that shiny happy hive mind! When I get outta here, the l adies are gonna learn to love the real Richard Goranski-” He paused and looked up at the ceiling. “-And the dudes. Oh my god, I’m totally bi!”

“Your Sqiup is gone? But how?”

“Ask your buddy. Anti-social headphones kid? She’s been by like, a ton, by the way. What is she, your girlfriend? If so, I called it. And- Oh my God. I need to talk to Jake.”

There was a knock on the door to my left, Chrissy walked in with a small smile and black overalls.

“Jake wants to talk to you too, Rich. Now, if you’ll excuse us.” They grabbed the curtain between me and Rich and shut it.

“Chrissy? What are you doing here? I’m sorr-”

“Ah-” They put a finger in front of my face. “-save it. I have already forgiven you because I now understand what that thing was doing to you. We all forgave you, so.”

I leaned back against the firm mattress. Had she forgiven me too?

“And before you ask, I only kinda know what happened. You gave me that bottle and then we all went down screaming. Except, you didn’t get back up. Mikey stayed by your side for, like, thirty minutes until the ambulance came, and then you were whisked away. The cast stopped by over yesterday to say ‘hi’ but you were still out cold. It was scary. Mikey also explained what had gone on, and we all just felt awful.”

My eyes fell down to my shaky hands. How could they forgive me? How could Mikey do all of that stuff for me?

“Hey, Jeremy, are you ok? I mean, I’m still your friend, I just don’t think that i want to pursue a romantic relationship with anyone-”   


“No, it’s not that, I just- How? And why? I messed up so bad. Unforgivably bad. Why are you guys still being nice to me?”

Chrissy smiled and put their hand on my knee. “Yeah, you messed up, but we understand why now. If I felt that anxious all of the time, I probably would have gotten a Squip too.”   


My teeth sunk into my tongue to keep me from crying. It was stupid to cry. Crying without permission got shocks. 

There was another knock on the door, and then my dad came in. Something about him was different, but I couldn’t tell from this far away.

“Jeremy? You’re awake?”

I looked down and saw what he was wearing. “Actually, I’m great-”

“I’m glad because you're grounded. You’re going to see some serious changes,  young man, starting-” He stopped when he noticed my big smile. “-What?”

“Dad. Yo-you’re wearing pants!”

“Don’t look so surprised. I’m your father. And I wear the pants around here! Now let’s get down to business-” He sat down on the edge of my bed. “-where’s Mikey? She’s been here since you got here, only leaving to eat and shower, but once you finally wake up she’s gone?”

Chrissy raised a hand up to say something, but he turned to them. “And who’s this? I have never met this person before, but they are right where Mikey normally sits.”  
“Hi, um. My name is Chrissy, and I’m Jeremy’s friend from school. I came in just as Mikey was going out. She said that she needed to talk to her teacher about something, so she was going to class. I don’t have any morning classes anymore, so I just came here.”

My dad nodded and put a hand on my leg. “Ah, well thank you for checking in with my boy. I’m sure that he appreciates it.”

I shook my head, confused. “Wait, Mikey’s been here the entire time I was out?”

“Yeah, Dude!” Rich yelled from behind the curtain. “I heard her the first night you were in here, I think she loves you, Man!”

Love? Mikey couldn’t love me, I had hurt her too badly.

My dad and Chrissy looked at each other smugly.

“What?” I asked.

“Jeremy-” Chrissy put their hands together and pointed at me. “-is something not clicking for you?”

“I don’t understand what you guys are talking about, Mikey just sees me as her friend, that’s-”

“Oh, no.-” My dad cut me off. “-I do believe that you are highly mistaken, Son.”

What were they talking about? Mikey never did anything that made me think she wanted to be more than friends.

I thought back to all of the times we shared together. 

I thought about how hard she laughed at my stupid jokes. I thought about how she always replied to my texts right away with something funny or helpful. I thought about how she would grab my elbow and pull me into the Seven-Eleven to buy slushies and get brain freezes. I thought about how she looked at me when we played video games like I was the only person in the world. 

I thought about the play. 

I thought about how happy she looked when she saw me on the floor, after she opened the door. I thought about how much pain was in her eyes when I couldn’t say sorry. I thought about how scared and confused she looked when the Squip made me pin her down. I thought about how determined and strong she looked when she pinned me down, despite being scared shitless seconds earlier. I thought about the cool feeling touching my cheek while the Squip screamed in my ear before everything went black. I thought about the strange crying noises I had heard right after a needle was jammed in my arm.

Oh my God. Mikey loved me, even though all I had done was hurt and use her.

Did I love her back?

I spiraled deeper as I thought about how she made me feel.

When she laughed, I wanted to grab her hand and laugh with her. When she cried, I wanted to hold her tight and tell her that everything would be ok soon. When she yelled, I wanted to brush her bangs out of her eyes and ask what was wrong. When she let her hair down, I wanted to run my fingers through it because of how soft it looked. When she smiled, I wanted to never see it go away again.

When Mikey pinned me down, and I saw her face inches from mine, something had stirred inside of me. I had wanted to kiss her and wipe the mascara that had run down her face away. 

I wanted to kiss Mikey, just friends don’t think like that.

I groaned and put my head in my hands. 

“I think he finally got it,” Chrissy whispered to my dad.

My hands pulled away from my face as I looked back up at the two people smiling at me. “But how can I even try to make up for everything, or even just have her be able to stand in the same room as me without punching my lights out for what I did. I mean, I deserve to have my lights punched out, but I don’t want them-”

“You gotta buy her a rose, compliment her on her clothes.” My dad put his hand on my shoulder roughly.

“Say you appreciate that she’s smart?” Chrissy added.

“Nah, Man, you tell her that she excites you sexually!” Rich yelled from behind the curtain.

My face grew hot, and I stared at the bedsheets. I thought that she would have killed me if I said that, and it wasn’t something that I wanted my dad to hear.

“Look, Jeremy. Now that you’re up and moving, let’s talk to the nurses to see if we can get you discharged by the time school ends. Then, you can go talk to her, alright?” My dad said.

I nodded and let him press the call button for the nurse.

…

“It’ll go perfectly if you just listen to me!” My dad yelled from the car as I walked into the school, throwing a Cinnabon container in the trashcan in the process. 

Kids had already started filing out of school, so I fought the crowd to find Mikey’s locker. Chrissy promised that they would keep Mikey there until I showed up.

As I walked down the hallway, I could hear tiny voices whispering in my head. They told me that I was just going to make a fool of myself and screw things up even more. 

But I had to keep on going. She at least deserved a real apology.

In my haste, I didn’t look up to see where I was going. My shoulder collided with a metal crutch. 

“Oh, hey, Guys-” 

Jake Dillinger cut me off. “We’ve been looking for you, Punk. Chrissy said that you were finally going to ask Mikey out. We’ve all been making bets on who was gonna make the first move.”

“What? You guys were betting on-”

“Yep-” Jenna Roland said while texting on her phone. “-I knew that this was going to be a thing when you two walked in together freshman year. I’ve been tracking the relationship since then.”   


I just stood there, shocked as Brookes and Chloe nodded with Jenna. 

Chloe took a step forward, and I took a step back hesitantly. 

She frowned and looked down. “I’m sorry about the whole, you know. I just didn’t know what was going on and didn’t really think. I’m sorry-” Chloe looked back up, eyes wide and matching her blue mini dress. “-but this is something that you should really go for. Tell him, Jenna!”

“Just summon strength from within!”

Brookes walked forward and patted me on the shoulder. “Don’t get hung on your skin.”

Chloe winked at me and said. “She probably thinks that acne is hot,”

Jake nudged my converse with his crutch. “I’ll throw you a rope, Homeslice, if you need some dope advice.”   


Brookes pushed me forward and yelled, “March on over and give her a shot!”

I shook my head while laughing and headed up the stairs to see Chrissy hanging onto Mikey’s sleeve, almost being dragged down the hallway.

The tiny voices came, louder.  _ You’re just going to ruin everything. She hates you after what you did, it’s already too late. You’re a fool for thinking that you deserve a second chance. Stupid idiot. Turn back around before she cusses you out.  _

I blinked away the voices and continued walking forward. She deserved a real apology, she could hate me later. 

“Mikey!” 

She stopped moving, Chrissy bouncing into her from not having to fight against the moving force.

Mikey’s eyes found mine and part of me wanted to crumble away into nothing, but I had to do this. 

Chrissy spun Mikey around and pushed her closer to me before making a break for the end of the hallway.

She just stood in place, froze in time.

I ran over and almost fell when I got to her. “MikeyMikeyMikeyMikeyMikeyI’msosorry!”

My hand held onto the smooth, metal lockers for support as I looked at her.

Her hair was half up and half down, the long strands covered some of the patches on her hoodie. The edge of her bangs grazed the tops of her eyelashes behind her rectangular glasses. Mikey’s face was clear of any makeup or dried tears, and those white headphones hung around her neck. 

A shaky hand reached out to touch me before it pulled back. “Jeremy?”

I wanted to sob.

“Mikey, I just- I’m so- I can’t-” None of the air around me could get into my lungs. Everything was too tight and close. Everything was too close. Everything was too much.

A cold hand looped under my arm and pulled me to the divider between the boys' and girls' bathrooms. 

We sank down to the floor as Mikey rubbed my shaking shoulder. Why wouldn’t the tears stop? I was going to get shocked if they didn’t stop soon.

But the shock never came. Was my Squip really gone?

“Jeremy, it's ok. Really, I forgive you for everything. You got tricked over and over again, and you were really drunk at the party, so-”

“No!” I turned and grabbed her hand that was resting on the windbreaker I had on over my striped shirt. “-It’s not ok!”

My voice shook and cracked as I looked at her. Why was she being so nice to me? I was awful.

“Jer-”   


“No, Mikey, listen.”

She sighed and nodded.

“I messed up. I messed up bad, I just kept on sc-screwing you over, but you st-still were there for me. You came to s-see me in the play with Mountain Dew Red after I tossed you aside like our friendship meant nothing, I-”

“Well, that wasn’t entirely me. Your dad can be really persuasive.”

I laughed, of course, he got Mikey to help me. 

“I just couldn’t let you get yourself hurt. My friend was so scared when he talked about his brother, and I couldn’t- I couldn’t let that happen to you even if you hurt my feelings. I couldn’t let you get yourself thrown into a mental hospital.”

Her hands played with the floppy sleeves of her hoodie as she spoke. I thought that I saw something on her forearm, but it might have been a few loose strings.

“Well, I st-still can't believe that you did all that for me. I didn’t deserve it.” I looked back up at her. Those beautiful brown eyes were shiny.

“Jer-” She bit her lip. “-You deserve to be happy, you’re not a monster. You just made some mistakes, and you’ve apologized for it. Can we go back to being best friends?”

“No.”

Mikey’s shiny eyes threatened to spill down her face. Her soft, cherry-stained lips quivered. “What?”

The tiny voices came back, they said that it wasn’t worth it, that she was just going to say no, but I had to ask. 

“Mikey, I realized some-something, and I know that you might not want me in that way, but when you came to the play- I mean, there was this moment when I realized that I didn’t want to do what just friends do. I wanted to do what couples do, if you get what I’m sa-saying.”

I looked down, my hands were shaking as I tried to wipe them off on my blue jeans. 

“Jeremy, look at me.”

I looked up at Mikey. She put her cold hands on mine and smiled. God, that smile could cure any disease.

“I know that I’m messed up, that there are voices in my head telling me that I’m awful and st-stupid, but now they're just the normal kind. No S-squips to keep me from hearing the one good voice in my head.” I squeezed her hands.

“Well, me and the voices in my head have made up our collective minds.”

“What do they s-say we sh-should do?”

Mikey lunged forward and wrapped her arms around me. Her face nestled into the crook of my neck as she whispered. “I think that all of us want to go out with you,”

My neck grew wet as her tears started pooling around my shirt collar. 

I was crying even harder. 

My arms hugged onto her tight, I never wanted to let go. I wasn’t going to let her go ever again. 

“DAMMIT, I OWE JENNA TWENTY BUCKS,” Jake yelled from the hallway. 

Mikey and I broke apart to see Chrissy standing with Jake, Jenna, Brookes, and Chloe. Jenna had her phone out and was recording us.

“I’m sending this to you two later. And to everyone else here. That was beautiful.” She clicked her phone off and shoved it back in her pocket.

We stood up, arms and legs shaky. 

_ “Jeremy. What are you doing? You can’t get rid of me, you need me to be cool and chill. Let go of her and listen to me.”  _ The Squip's electronic voice rang in my ears.

I looked over and saw Mikey slide her hand into mine. She laughed sweetly as she smiled. 

That was the only voice I wanted in my head. 

“The loudest one is mine,” I whispered as I squeezed her hand tight. 

The Squip’s voice faded out, growing silent as Mikey and I walked out of the school with our hands interlocked. 

Jake whooped as he took the ramp down to the parking lot, the rest of us following suit. The gang cheered as Mikey led me to her car, I couldn’t help but blush as I tightened my grip on her hand. 

She broke away and started walking backward, pulling the keys out of her hoodie pocket while winking. “C-c-c-c’mon. C-c-c-c’mon, let’s go!”

I smiled and tapped the side of the car as I hopped in. “C-c-c-c’mon. C-c-c-c’mon, let’s go!”

Mikey slid into the driver’s seat and shut the door, the sounds of our highschool peers fading away. “So-” She looked at me with a bright smile. “-you wanna get stoned in my basement?”

I bit my lip and took her in. With her hand resting on the steering wheel casually and those brown eyes looking at me playfully, I knew that I would do whatever she wanted. 

I just had to do something first. 

“Can I say s-something first?”

She nodded, pulling her headphones off and tossing them into the back seat. 

“Mikey-” My eyes fell to my shaking hands. I had to do this. I had to do this. I had to do this. I could do this. “-I love you.”

I heard her gasp softly.

A cold hand found its way to mine and squeezed tight.

“Do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted you to say that?”

My eyes met her shiny ones, and a smile broke out on my face.

“Jeremy Heere, I love you.” She gave me the brightest smile I had ever seen. 

I leaned over and grabbed her chin lightly with my hands, pulling it closer to me. Those stained cherry red lips were barely an inch away from mine. 

Mikey’s hands grabbed at my windbreaker and pulled me in. 

She tasted like cherry slushie and vanilla chapstick. 

I deepened the kiss as she pulled me in closer, only the black armrest stood between us from being completely pressed together. My right thumb swiped a tear away from her cheek as she pressed her smile against my lips. 

In that moment, I knew that I’d wipe all of her tears away for as long as she’d let me. 

So this was what it was like to do more than survive.


	30. Mikey XV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ewww, emotions  
> (nah, they deserved it)

The weekend after the play was awful, but some good came out of it. 

Mr. Heere and I stayed at Jeremy’s bedside for as long as we could, swapping stories about stupid things he had done and trying to laugh away the fear of him not waking up.

Nadia came by a few times, mostly to drag me home so I could change and shower, or to drop off food if Mr. Heere hadn’t brought any. She also decided that it was time to decorate my room. 

The FaceTime call was a disaster, but Jeremy’s dad talked me into getting an old lava lamp for my room. Everything else was something that Nadia told me I needed and I felt too bad to say “no” to her.

It was all stuff from resale stores or antique places, and it was all really cool, but I felt bad that she was wasting money on me. She said that she enjoyed it and that the room would look beautiful when it was done. 

Sunday night, Chrissy brought their posse over to talk to Jeremy. The breathing tube had come up of his throat, but he was still asleep. I was starting to doubt if he would ever wake up. I told them what had happened, all about the Squip. With Rich as Jeremy’s roommate, I had someone else to back me up on the technicalities. 

The sight of Chloe made my blood boil, but when I explained that Jeremy wasn’t in control of himself half of the time, she looked sick. She left the room with Brookes going after her. I didn’t bother to check the aftermath of it, but at least Chloe felt remorse. I had honestly thought she wasn’t capable of it. 

After they left, I went back to my house to change and grab my backpack for school. The nurse said that she would let me in so I could sleep in the chair next to Jeremy. I had to talk to Miss Smith (I had ignored her for too long, it was time for me to finish the conversation.) the next day, and attend my classes, so I would miss most of the visiting hours. 

I kept the lights off, Nadia said that she had to do a few more things before she was ready for me to see what she had done, but the soft carpet on the floor already had me smiling and emotional. The new, fluffy pillow also had me gushing in the dark room.

My school clothes for the next day were on my body as I left to go back to the hospital. I left a note on the fridge with a smiley face to tell Nadia where I went. 

She wasn’t too strict about me leaving to see Jeremy. Nadia knew that I needed to be near him or I would just be an anxious wreck. 

I plopped down in the chair as the beeping filled the room. Jeremy’s hair curled over his face and moved slightly as he softly snored. He looked like he was just sleeping like a normal person, spare the tubing and hospital gown.

My eyes stung as I looked at his closed ones. 

I’d give him my heart to break a hundred times over if it meant that I could see those happy, welcoming blue eyes again. 

Thoughts of blue and red swirled in my head as I fell asleep in the tiny hospital chair to the sound of Jeremy sleeping. 

The next morning, I had to leave early to get to school on time. 

I walked over and pushed some of the dark and wavy hair out of his face. It felt sweaty like he had been having a nightmare. 

“Please, wake up soon. You can call me a loser as much as you’d like, just be around to do so,” I whispered into his ear before I left. 

With the headphones over my ears and red backpack slung over my shoulder, I walked out of the hospital. My eyes never left the ground. 

By the benches outside, I stopped to check my phone and pull my hair back. The she-demon couldn’t yell at me for leaving it down anymore, so I only gathered half of it into a ponytail. 

“Mikey? Just the person I was looking for!” Chrissy yelled as their yellow converse ran over to me. 

“Uh, why?” I asked as I shoved my phone back in my pocket. There was still time for me to get a decent spot.

“Look, I know that things have been weird with Jeremy and all, but I wanted to make sure that you were ok. I mean, have you been here all weekend?”

I shrugged and looked away. 

“It’s ok if you have, I’m just concerned. So much happened so fast, I didn’t know if you got help after the screaming.”

“Ha, I didn’t have a Squip, so I was only yelling because I tripped trying to get to the stage.”

“Oh, yeah. Well, are you sure that you’re alright? It was pretty scary and Jeremy still hasn’t-”

“I know he hasn’t woken up yet. You think I want to leave him? I’m only going to school because I have to talk to my teacher about an essay,” I spat. The words weren’t intended to be so harsh sounding, it just hurt thinking about leaving him all alone. 

“Mikey, I know how much Jeremy means to you. I mean, I thought you two were dating until...” They trailed off, looking down at my checkered vans. 

“No, Jeremy would never be interested in me. He likes people who smile all the time and don’t hide away from the world because things get scary.”

“Hey-” Chrissy reached out and put their hand on my shoulder. “-I don’t think that’s right. I used to see you guys in the hallway or sitting at lunch, and he was always so happy. Jeremy also doesn’t know everything. I used to hide a lot too, I mean, there’s a reason I only wear long sleeves.”

I looked down at Chrissy’s arms, two light blue sleeves were poking out under their black overalls. 

“I thought at the- Nevermind. Anyway, what I’m saying is that Jeremy probably likes you a lot more than he thinks that he does. He just needs a wake up call-”

The wince I made physically hurt.

“Sorry, bad choice of wording. I just- Here, let me give you the thing I wanted to in the first place.” Chrissy pulled a red slushie from the side pocket of their backpack and handed it to me.

“And why are you giving this to me?”

“First, as a thank you for bringing the Mountain Dew Red and saving the day, and second, your best friend is in the hospital, you seem to be going through something right now, and you’ve been doing it all alone. You needed something to cheer you up. Didn’t you always used to bring slushies to lunch?”

I nodded. 

“Well, I did something right! Anyway, I thought that I might visit Jeremy and that way he’s not alone while you’re gone. I do have to go to school around noon for the afternoon classes I have, but then it won’t be too long before school’s over. I know it’s not the same, but-”

My hug cut Chrissy off. 

“Oh, this is weird.”

I pulled away. “Yeah, well you’re a drama kid that got Squipped, and I’m a stoner that used a soda to help people just unbrain washed. Things are pretty weird already, but thank you. You’re actually pretty cool, I can see why people like you.”

They smiled. “Thanks, Mikey. I just wish that people would stop asking me out on dates. After a few times, I figured out that the romance stuff just isn’t for me. The sex is fine, I just don’t like the cuddly ooey gooey stuff, you know?”

I nodded. “That’s the part that I think is the best, but to each their own. I’ll see you around, Chrissy. And thanks for the slushie, seriously. I needed something nice today.”

“Don’t worry about it, just go and ask your teacher about your essay. It seemed important!" They turned around and waved as they walked into the hospital.

I shook my head while smiling. Slushies and drama kids, who knew?

…

After Miss Smith’s class, I stayed back so I could talk to her about the essay. 

“Mikey, what’s up? You finally ready to finish our conversation?”

“Yeah-” I rubbed the back of my neck, catching the red hood with my wrists as I did so. “-Sorry about that. I just had some stuff that I was dealing with.”

“It’s ok, I’m just glad that you’re ready to talk now. Have you worked on it at all?”

“I have the first three paragraphs done, not counting the intro, and I think that I only need two more and then the conclusion. Where should I turn it in?”

She smiled and tapped her computer. “Just email it to me, and I’ll have it taken care of.”

I smiled back.

“Also, I emailed your mother, Nadia, and she said that she put the poetry money away into your college fund.

“What?”

“Yeah, I couldn’t let you just give it up, and they would have just kept the prize money otherwise.”

“Miss Smith, you didn’t have to do all that for me.”

“Mikey-” She reached out and put her hand on my shoulder. “-You are a good kid. I see a lot of my younger self in you, and I want to give you the chance that I never did. I understand that sometimes life deals you a terrible hand of cards, but you’ve got to work with what you have and find an ace that you can put up your sleeve.”

I pressed my lips together to keep myself from doing something stupid like getting emotional or sentimental. 

“Now, get to your next class. I don't want you to be late- Also, I heard about your friend and the play, are you alright?”

I sighed. “I don’t know. I just hope that he wakes up soon, we’ve known each other since kindergarten, I can’t lose him.”

“Ah-” She sat down in her chair, making her green dress poof around her. “-Well, I’m sure that he’s fighting to get back to you. Anyone that’s lucky to find someone that’s as good as a person as you should be ready to fight tooth and nail to keep you. Don’t give up hope. And I better see that essay soon!”

“Ok, Miss Smith. And-” I tightened my grip on my backpack strap. “-Thank you. I know that you also emailed Nadia about my burn, and my biological mother is gone now. I don’t think that she’s coming back, unless its to court.”

Miss Smith wiped her eyes and pulled some of her curly, blonde hair behind her ears. “I’m just glad that you’re safe now. Stay that way, please. I can’t lose my favorite student.”

She winked and I smiled. 

I left the classroom with a smile on my face. 

…

“Mikey, just listen to me. Traffic is going to be terrible, so how about you just stay back for a bit until it's clear? I don’t want you getting in an accident because you were speeding to a hospital.”

I shut my locker door and turned to face Chrissy. “No, I’m not going there right now. I need to prep dinner for Nadia when she comes back from work, finish my essay, and then I’ll head over to see Jeremy. His dad texted me saying that he was taking the day off of work to stay at the hospital, so Jeremy is going to be fine for a few more hours.”

“Well, you should still wait a little bit. I mean, the high school parking lot is a disaster. People just going with no regard for anyone’s safety. Fifteen minutes, or more. You can’t be too careful. I’m also worried. You seem to be a little upset, and no one should drive when they are upset.”

“I’m upset about some other stuff that doesn’t even matter right now, stupid court drama. But, that can’t be fixed before I need to get home. Nadia has been doing a lot of stuff for me lately, and I just want to do something nice for her. She loves casserole, so I was going to make some, now if you’ll please excuse me.”

They pleaded for me to stop as I walked down the hallway, mentally blocking out the cries of poor traffic regulations at the school. 

A small hand started tugging at my sleeve, but I just kept on going, dragging Chrissy behind me. 

“Mikey!” No, it couldn’t be. 

Chrissy ran into me as I stopped and turned around. 

Those lovely, blue eyes found mine from the end of the hallway, and I wanted to break down sobbing then and there. Instead, I just stood frozen in place.

Chrissy pushed me towards him and then ran to the next hallway over. He still was yards away, but I couldn’t believe it.

I refused to believe it.

Jeremy ran over in a frenzy of long limbs and strung together words that I couldn’t understand. He stopped two feet away from me and leaned against the lockers as support. 

His hair was fluffy like it had just been washed, and all messy from him running. His eyes scanned all over me like he was making sure that this was really happening. There were dark circles under his eyes, and his skin looked extra pale. The grey windbreaker he was wearing hung around him like it was a bit too big, even though it had been nice and snug a few days before.

I reached my hand out, afraid that my hand would pass right through him. I withdrew it before I made contact. “Jeremy?”

“Mikey, I just- I’m so- I can’t-” He gasped like he couldn’t breathe. 

Was he about to have a panic attack?

I looped my arm under his and led him to the divider between the boys' and girls' bathrooms. No one came here after school, so Jeremy would be away from prying eyes.

We sank down to the floor as I rubbed his shaking shoulders. Tears came down his face in heavy streams as he trembled. I didn’t know what to do besides sit there and be there for him. I was afraid that he’d turn into dust if I touched him too hard.

Jeremy had cried in front of me many times before, but only once or twice was it this bad.

Was he so upset over the Squip thing? I was just glad that he was alive and talking to me. It was all I could ask for

“Jeremy, it's ok. Really, I forgive you for everything. You got tricked over and over again, and you were really drunk at the party, so-”

“No!” He cut me off, putting his shaky hand on mine. “-It’s not ok!”

His voice cracked like he hadn’t had any water for years. Why was he in so much pain? I just wanted to help him. 

“Jer-”   


“No, Mikey, listen.”

I sighed and nodded.

“I messed up. I messed up bad, I just kept on sc-screwing you over, but you st-still were there for me. You came to s-see me in the play with Mountain Dew Red after I tossed you aside like our friendship meant nothing, I-”

“Well, that wasn’t entirely me. Your dad can be really persuasive.”

He laughed, and it was the most amazing thing I had seen all day. A small part of him came back, he looked a little lighter and more like before.

It reminded me of why I did everything I had done. I couldn’t let the pureness slip away.

“I just couldn’t let you get yourself hurt. My friend was so scared when he talked about his brother, and I couldn’t- I couldn’t let that happen to you even if you hurt my feelings. I couldn’t let you get yourself thrown into a mental hospital.”

My hands fiddled with my sleeves as I spoke. It felt like I was saying something secret, even though Jeremy knew all of this already. He knew that I would always be there for him, right?

“Well, I st-still can't believe that you did all that for me. I didn’t deserve it.” He looked at me, red was surrounding those blue eyes I had yearned to see. 

Why was he so hard on himself? He would have yelled at me if I said that, why couldn’t he see him how I saw him?

“Jer-” I bit my lip. “-You deserve to be happy, you’re not a monster. You just made some mistakes, and you’ve apologized for it. Can we go back to being best friends?”

“No.”

My heart dropped to the pit of my stomach.

“What?” I tried to hide how scared that word made me.

I couldn’t lose him, I had just gotten him back.

“Mikey, I realized some-something, and I know that you might not want me in that way, but when you came to the play- I mean, there was this moment when I realized that I didn’t want to do what just friends do. I wanted to do what couples do, if you get what I’m saying.” He looked down.

My heart started beating faster, so faster I feared that it was going to fly out of my chest and smack him. Was he saying what I thought he was saying?

“Jeremy, look at me,” I said while wrapping both of his hands in mine. They felt warm and familiar. They felt like they fit perfectly in mine.

His eyes met mine, and I couldn’t help but smile.

“I know that I’m messed up, that there are voices in my head telling me that I’m awful and st-stupid, but now they're just the normal kind. No S-squips to keep me from hearing the one good voice in my head.” He squeezed my hands.

Did he really mean it? This wasn’t some fantasy my brain conjured up to cope with him being in the hospital?

If it was, I never wanted to leave it. 

“Well, me and the voices in my head have made up our collective minds.” 

“What do they s-say we sh-should do?” he asked.

I leaned in and wrapped my arms around him. His shoulders felt surprisingly strong and steady. His neck felt warm against my face. I whispered softly, “I think that all of us want to go out with you,”

Tears started flowing out of my eyes faster than I could stop them, but I didn’t care. This was real. Jeremy was really here, asking me out and crying even harder than I was. 

His arms wrapped around me tight. I felt so safe while I just listened to our uneven breathing and felt his pulse next to my face.

I didn’t want him to ever let go. I didn’t want to lose him ever again.

“DAMMIT, I OWE JENNA TWENTY BUCKS,” Jake yelled from the hallway. 

Jeremy and I broke apart to see Chrissy standing with Jake, Jenna, Brookes, and Chloe. Jenna had her phone out and was recording us.

“I’m sending this to you two later. And to everyone else here. That was beautiful.” She clicked her phone off and shoved it back in her pocket.

We stood up, arms and legs shaky. 

I slid my hand into his, it fit even better this time. A small laugh escaped me as I looked at the sight of our hands intertwined. It felt like his hand had been made to hold mine.

He looked over at me and smiled, even that was so sweet and pure. 

We followed the group out of the building.

Jake whooped as he took the ramp down to the parking lot, the rest of us following suit. The gang cheered as I led Jeremy to my car. 

He tightened his grip around my hand, and it felt even warmer. I knew that if I looked back, his face would be all flushed. 

I broke away and started walking backward, pulling the keys out of my hoodie pocket. “C-c-c-c’mon. C-c-c-c’mon, let’s go!”

He smiled as I dangled the keys out in front of him. “C-c-c-c’mon. C-c-c-c’mon, let’s go!”

We hopped into the car and closed the doors. The silence was comfortable, but I didn’t want our time to end just yet. Jeremy could come back and make casserole with me, and we could have some fun while we did it.

“So you wanna get stoned in my basement?” I asked while putting my hands on the steering wheel.

“Can I say so-something first?” His face started growing red.

I nodded, pulling my headphones off and tossing them into the back seat. 

“Mikey-” He looked down and spoke quietly. I almost did hear him say,“-I love you,”

A new feeling enveloped my chest. It was tight and loose all at once. It felt like I was seeing the sunrise for the first time.

After all this time, after all of the yelling and fighting, after the dust settled, it was clear.

Jeremy said, “I love you,” and I believed him. It was the best feeling to know that my best friend of twelve years and crush for who knows how long loved me back.

“Do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted you to say that?” I grabbed his hands and squeezed them tight.

He looked up at me and smiled. I thought that I was going to melt right then and there. Why was he so cute?

“Jeremy Heere, I love you.” I smiled back. 

He leaned over and grabbed my chin lightly with his hands, pulling me in close. Those soft lips were barely an inch away from mine. 

He was going too slow, I had waited too long for this. 

I grabbed his windbreaker and pulled him forward, crashing his lips against mine.

He tasted like mint chapstick and cinnamon sticks. 

Jeremy deepened the kiss as I pulled him in closer, only the black armrest stood between us from being completely pressed together. 

A tear fell from my eye, and he wiped it away so gently. It made me smile harder than I had even smiled before.

I knew in that moment, he was the only one I would ever trust to be this tender and gentle. Jeremy was the only one I could ever see wiping my tears away while kissing me.

If all of my days could end like this, then I was never going to have too terrible of a day ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you made it this far, i absolutely adore you and wish you the best in life. thank you so much for coming along on this ride with me, and i hope that i provided you with at least one millimeter of serotonin.
> 
> stay safe and drink red <3


End file.
